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Gosh, that's tough! I'm confused for you! I know that you can't invite people to what you'd call an "engagement party" without inviting them to the wedding so you can't quite call it that. And I think if they ever found out they were the B list that would be bad. I'm not really sure what I would do in this situation because you have to accept the generousity of your FMIL but you don't want to overburden yourself with worries. Hmmmm....
I'd say, if they want to throw this party, leave it up to them. If you're close to your future in-laws, express to them your concerns and see what they want to do. Afterall, this is mostly their peeps. And from there, you can't worry about a thing. Also, I do think you should have this party a few months before the wedding, but that's just my opinion. I know it doesn't seem right to you but I don't really see a different solution. Maybe you can consider the party a joint shower, like a "jack and jill"? It's not my thing but I've been to them and they're fun just the same. Basically I agree, the wedding is the PEAK, so it should be all over after that. But again, speak to the family and see how they feel.
Yikes, I was no help but that's a tough one to figure out!
You definitely definitely can't invite anyone to your engagement party that will not be invited to the actual wedding. I think you should have the big party maybe a month or so after you're married. Give yourself some time to just chill after the wedding itself. If I'm understanding you, you are throwing your wedding and your parents are throwing the big party? If that's the case then I wouldn't worry about the party being construed as the "real" reception because in essence it sounds like it's a party your parents are throwing for their "extras" and not as much for you and your FI as your actual wedding will be since you have final say on the guest list because you're paying. Did that make any sense? I guess my main point is that you can't throw any sort of party like that before the wedding because people will assume an invite. I know I would.
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My FI's extended family is very large and most of the relatives always have large weddings (@200-300. One was 500!) We definitely wanted something smaller, more personal, and something that really focused on us as a couple -- not our parent's random business acquaintances. In order to satisfy my FI's family's desire to have more family & friends share in some part of our wedding celebration, we offered a compromise in which FI and I would pay for the wedding completely on our own so that we could have a smaller guest list (@100 people) and my future in-laws would host a larger party at their country club and invite whomever they want. They're being very generous and offered to add my family's "extras." Basically anyone on our "B" list of friends and family from both sides would be invited to this larger party - total would be @ 200-250.
Originally, I thought they could throw us an engagement party months before the wedding because I wanted our wedding to be the clear pinnacle of our celebration. Somehow it seems potentially diluted to have a wedding weekend that we're putting so much into, and then to have another celebration after that. Also, I don't want this party to be construed as the "real" reception that was just delayed after having a smaller wedding. Although, I'm only now thinking this through and realize that if people are invited to an engagement party they'll likely expect to be invited to the wedding. My mother suggests having a 'marraige celebration' party a month or so after the wedding so that by the time people get the invites for that party, they know they're not also getting a wedding invite. I'm torn. I know that would be clearer for people, but I was really looking forward to having sometime off after the wedding and a party a few weeks after the wedding puts a damper on that for me.
I don't know what the ettiquette is for a situation like this. Can you invite people to an engagement party w/out inviting them to the wedding? And, if so, how should I manage the logistics of wording the invite so people know the party is instead of the wedding. And, even if we do a post-wedding celebration -- when and what would be appropriate (our wedding is scheduled for the end of May- we haven't given anyone an official save the date yet, as we're still finalizing the guest list.) The other fun wrench in the works is that I've been debating this for so long (since July engagement) that this fall seems too soon to plan a party where people would be traveling from other parts of the country, and Feb or March seems far from our engagement & close to our wedding.
Any similar experiences or suggestions?