Post # 1
Am I the only one who feels this way?? I have been trying to tell all my family and friends that FI and I just want a very low-key wedding ceremony. We are planning on a DW with about 20-30 people – tops! My family (mother, specifically) is having a hard time with this and wanting to invite all of my aunts, uncles and cousins. We just don’t want a big, traditional wedding. FI and I are both private people and we really want to just be able to focus on each other on this one day that’s supposed to be about us. We don’t want all the distractions, chaos, or anxiety — which we would both very much feel if it were to turn into a large party.
On top of that, I have been trying to make it known that I really don’t want a wedding shower or bachelorette party either. I’ve told some of my friends, sisters, mom that I would be fine if we decided to go out for drinks and a nice dinner one night, but that’s it as far as a bachelorette party is concerned. The other night when I told my friends I didn’t want a wedding shower, my best friend actually looked at me like I had just told her I was going to dye my hair blue for my wedding and said, “you don’t want a wedding shower?? Don’t you want to get presents???” THAT’S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT TO US!!! She very quickly added the obligatory, “well, it’s about you and what you want, so if that’s the case, I support whatever you want,” which I appreciated, but it still made me feel like I’m doing something wrong, or “inappropriate.”
I have lived on my own for 9 years, owned a home of my own, before moving into a very nice place with FI. Although we are not wealthy, FI and I are both gainfully employed and are very comfortable with how we live. We just don’t feel right asking people to buy us things because we want them, or because we need to “upgrade” the kitchen utensils we already have 3 of! I also really don’t like being the center of attention and the thought of opening a bunch of gifts while 30+ people watch terrifies me!
I guess I just don’t understand how weddings became all about the parties and the gifts and over-the-top decorations. i mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that don’t judge or begrudge anyone else these things who may really want them. If that is what you envision your wedding celebration to be like, then more power to you! But, on my side of things, why do I constantly feel like I’m being judged for NOT wanting those things?? I’m tired of being looked at like I have 3 heads when I tell someone about something else that I just don’t want to have/do for our wedding.
Post # 3
We didn’t do a bridal shower because we had been living on our own and really didn’t need more stuff, let alone a registry for it. It’s ok to skip traditions! A dinner sounds lovely, just dont be surprised if you get gifts anyway.
Post # 4
@Grossern: Have you ever considered having a shower, and instead of gifts, you can ask people to donate to a charity that is important to both you and your FI? You are giving to people who need it AND you are spending an afternoon with the people most important in your life. Could be a win-win sitaution
Post # 5
Can definitely relate to not wanting to add additional events that require friends and family to buy additional gifts and shower attention on you. I hate being in the spotlight. That said, it is possible certain close friends have been looking forward to celebrating the occasion with you on a level more intimate than the wedding itself, so for their sake, I would recommend allowing them to do something small for you. The dinner you suggest sounds perfect. I had no shower (destination wedding, and I didn’t feel it appropriate to cause ppl to spend more), and I visited out of town friends for my bach and three of us went to dinner and did some dancing. Had a ball!
Post # 6
I don’t want a shower, I think they’re awkward and I’m not really into the idea of having a party all about bringing me gifts (especially ones I don’t need), and I refuse to register. My mother isn’t happy with that idea at all and will probably still throw one (even though I told her she can’t since she’s my mother, she insists that it is fine since my bridesmaids are all over the country and I don’t have any aunts or female cousins, I still say no).
I also will absolutely not be having a bachelorette party, I think they’re inappropriate. I never wore [I’m not sure what the appropriate word would be, clothes that a “woman of the night” might wear to work?] “bachelorette” clothes or acted that way on any other night, why should I go out of my way to do so for an evening simply because I’m getting married?
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2014 - Gold Hill Gardens
I am having a shower – It’s being thrown by my FI’s aunt. She REALLY wanted to throw one for me . . . It’s not my favorite thing in the world to have a party “in my honor” (I almost never celebrate my birthday except with my fiance). It means a lot to her, though, and it will be nice to get together with the women I care about.
I am currently on a “bachelorette weekend” in Portland, OR! We came up here together, from CA, because the bride has always wanted to bungee jump. So, we went and she did that two days ago, and tonight we are going to see a concert for a band that we’ve all liked since college (when we met). Aside from having her wear a tiara and sash (which she didn’t have to if she didn’t actually want to) it’s been a very low-key, friends-hanging-out type “party.” Just another option for you to consider.
Post # 8
We’re not having a shower, didn’t have an engagement party, and I probably won’t be having a bachelorette party either. They’re not necessary, often feel forced, and they’re just not my personality.
Post # 9
@Grossern: I don’t want that stuff either. Seriously, I’m uncomfortable being the center of attention – I most likely have social anxiety and I’m an Introvert. These types of events are like torture for me – I don’t even want to go dress shopping with my mom and sisters because I loathe attention that much. If I had my way, we would just elope and be done with it.
I don’t want to spend my time registering for a bunch of stuff either. FI seems to want to, but I honestly don’t see the point. By the time we get married we will have been living in our condo for 2 years – honestly, I don’t see what else we could possibly need that we can’t afford ourselves.
The most I’m willing to do is to invite my sisters and best friend over for pizza and a movie so they can meet and get to know one another.
Post # 10
I understand completely where you’re coming from, my wedding will be 70-100 people, but other than the wedding itself I’m trying to make sure there are no other parties.
We might go out with some younger friends maybe on the Friday night beforehand (we’re getting married on a Sunday), have a couple drinks and go for wings or have a bonfire, not a formal stag and doe but more a relaxed way to say hi to everyone before we’re running around like maniacs getting photographed and such. As for my bachelorette, my sister is underage and we’re not big partiers, so we’re going to try to go horseback riding together (I ride regularly and have for years, all my bridesmaids have at some point attended one of my childhood horseback riding parties, it was kind of a cute but fun thing to do)