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If there's anything the 'bee has taught me, it's that youre never going to please everyone. You just have to make the best of it.
If there's anything the 'bee has taught me, it's that youre never going to please everyone. You just have to make the best of it.
That sucks! My family wasn't happy when I got engaged either bit for other reasons, and when I said anythign about getting married they would just pretend to not hear me. Eventually they got over it and were so beond happy for us! All you can do is ride out the storm when you start to become more financially independent maybe they will act diffrently and as you get oler and get your degree. Oh and to make you feel better I am 20 and married already. Your not to young, it's all about maturity in my opinion. Good luck with the fam. I hope they come around becasue this is going to be such a happy time for you two and it's only the first of many! :D
I'm really sorry that this happened to you, but thinking of it from your parents perspective, I can kind of understand why they freaked out.
I'm in no way saying that you aren't old enough to get married. But if you look at it from their POV, you're still relying on them for money, so they probably still think of you as their little girl who needs their help, not an adult who is prepared for marriage.
There are honestly a *lot* of parents who feel this way now.... because their kids still rely on them, they don't magically think of them as adults one day- DH's mom still checked in on his bank account until he was 23, and he was financially independent!
It's unfortunate that they're not excited, but since you're planning to have a long engagement, I would just give it some time- they'll likely come around a bit more by the time you actually get married.
And in the mean time, work on finding ways to become more financially independent. That is by far the quickest way to get them to think of you as an adult, and it really is a great feeling!
Thanks for the replies.
@MissHobbit: I know. And I understand and expected that. But I feel like I wasn't able to please ANYONE. I was just shocked that EVERYONE in our families had such a poor reaction.
@Mollie: I hope it gets better like yours did. I just wanted the initial excitement and happiness. I don't want them to have to "deal with it and get used to it" or 'warm up to it". I was excited and happy and thought this was suppoed to be a happy occassion but it isn't for anyone but me apparently. :(
@TinyLittleBird: I agree and understand my parents POV, at least as much as I can. I am not completely dependent on them. I can support myself but my dad INSISTS on giving me money from his military retirement to help pay my rather low school cost and my car insurance until I finish school. He wants to make sure I don't have to choose work over school to make ends me, so he helps me out. I appreciate it and am grateful, but I don't ask them to and am kinda tired of them holding it over my head.
@Future Mrs. Christian: Oh, I totally hear you there... the "holding it over your head" part was my main incentive for financial independence. They can't boss you around when you pay your own bills!
It's tough, and it's obviously more tough when you are young. Like I said before, I'm not saying you're too young to get married, but you are younger than the "average" engaged person, so people will raise eyebrows from time to time.
It seems like anybody who gets engaged young is judged by someone at some point for their choice (there are threads and threads on here all about it!)
Even I was told that DH and I were "babies" by a supervisor at work... she wasn't trying to offend, she was just surprised at how young we were (DH and I were 24 and 26 when we got married, but she and her hubs were 29 and 32.... so to her, we seemed young)
It takes the wind out of your sails and I am sorry... :(
I'm sure there are people really pleased for you and you'll need to concentrate your euphoria there or you'll just be deflated again. I'm going through the same thing so I know how you feel.
I can see your parents' POV. While they don't have to love the idea, they should at least be supportive. Maybe give it a while to sink in and don't bring up wedding details with them too soon. Show them that you're mature and independent enough to make your own way and hopefully they'll come around.
@Future Mrs. Christian: Answer the following question?
Are you happy with your Future Husband?
Is he happy with you?
Than all else later down the road will not matter because a marriage is between 3 people : YOU, Husband, and God. What keeps a marriage intact and happiness is that both groom and bride love one another all else will fall into place.
Obviously the ring your fiance got was not worthy in your dads eyes, but what might have hurt him is the fact that he did not ask for your hand in marriage. but that says alot about you to in a positive manner that you love your fiance over all others.
Thanks everyone. And yes, I love my fiance more than anyone and I understand that I am marrying him, not our families, and that ultimately it comes down to the two of us and our own happiness. But people are being extremely negative about our engagement, even though we made it very clear, and are very serious about, that we wait until we get our degrees. We want to be completely financially independent before our marriage. We are fairly independent now, but not completely. I can understand why everyone is so... questioning of us, but at the same time, it hurts knowing they are disappointed and embarrased of us even though we feel we are making responsible decisions for ourselves. They just keep telling us we're immature and too young and that we're going to fail at everything we do. It is to the point now where if we were actively planning the wedding right now, it would be just the two of us, and maybe four or five of our closest friends, and that's it.
Your parents end up verbally spewing all their insecurities about your life and their control when you venture out on your own and decide to get married. Its natural and probably usually temporary!
Everyone will have an opinion and most of it is well intentioned but it certainly can hurt when you are on cloud 9!!
Stay strong, and make sure everyone knows your not getting married like in 5 months, you guys are waiting till your done with school :)
Anyways- Congratulations!!!!!!!! I'm thrilled for another young couple taking out marriage, there are youth setting a new trend, degrading marriage.
I'm so sorry =( my ex FI's mom was less than pleased when we told her too, I know how you feel. However CONGRATS! You'll get a lot of support here!
First, Congrats on your engagement!! Second, I'm sorry you didn't get the reaction you're looking for :(. I think it's a pretty mature decision to wait until your out of school and can be independent, so try not to worry to much. I'm 22, and I went through something similar. I told my mom, who was excited at the time but then started talking about how my cousin (who is not engaged at all) will probably be married within the year and she's soo excited about it (and only when the subject of my wedding plans come up...hmmm). My dad gets very morose and subdued when the subject comes up and has yet to say "congrats" or "I'm happy for you" even two months later. My FIs family, however, has been begging for wedding details and have been very excited and accepting, so that's helped me a lot. I can't imagine both sides not showing excitment. The bees will always be here to be excited with you though!!
I'm so sorry hun. It's not fair for them to react that way. But you still have two years before your wedding so I'm sure then will come around by then. Were you able to explain that you were going to have a long engagement? It's strange they reacted so harsh. It's not like you told them you were getting married next month.
Chin up. Let the smoke clear and then have a heart to heart with them.
Good luck.
There are a couple of things... it is hard to be so happy and wanting your loved ones to be happy too... many parents with children in all age ranges want to be included BEFORE the engagement. Did your fiance talk with your parents before he asked you? Not in an archaic "what's the dowry" kind of way but more in the including loved ones in major life decisions kind of way. My partner and I respectively spoke with both sets of parents because we are super close with our families and wanted to include them in that... It might sound terribly dated but our parents were soooo happy they were consulted prior to the official engagement and we were in our 30s.
The other thing to think about is that it is hard for people to get excited about something so far in the future. We also had a 2+ year engagement, at first everyone thought we were crazy for making plans and putting deposits down for an event so far in the future. We are now under the 1 year mark and things have changed, our moms are gushing wanting to know every detail, wanting to help, and being outright excited.
A wedding brings a huge change in the family dynamics (even if you have been together for 4.5 years), and parents are humans too, they love you and want to be involved in your future plans...
Thanks for the support, everyone! I feel better knowing that this isn't happening to just me, and that it does get better.
@rheabee80: My fiance did talk to his family about it a little, since his mother and sister helped him pick the ring. We didn't want to "ask" my parents, because they are very negative people. A while back we were looking for a new couch, and they were telling us how stupid we were for spending money on a new couch and how we're going to go into debt and ruin our credit score, and blah blah blah. When in reality we paid it off in full on debit with money we saved up, and have no payments on it. They just blow everything out of proportion and make us out to be more immmature and irresponsible than we really are. Like even when I mention I have a stomach ache, I get a lecture about how I better not be pregnant. It is just insane. I feel terrible saying this, but when it comes to my parents, we kinda told them more as a courtesy, not because we really wanted to. They try to be "realistic" but in the end they just tell us no matter what we're doing, we're doing it wrong.
Hi there! Congrats!!!! I am really happy for you!!! :)
I just joined the site too. Your story sounds very similar to mine! My fiance and I are both medical students, and I am pretty much still completely financially-dependent on my parents. When I told my parents, the initial reaction was really horrible. Everyone in my family really liked my fiance, so I was so surprised and confused about why my parents were so upset. They said it was because of financial dependence, they were afraid I was going to drop out of medical school, forget about my career aspirations, things like that. But they were really just using that as a cover for their real feelings about the whole thing. You said that your fiance didn't consult your parents- mine didn't either. I recently was talking to my mom about the whole thing, and part of the reason she was so upset about the engagement was that she felt that her role as my mother and future mother-in-law to my fiance was undermined. She felt like "Hey, this is my daughter, I raised her and she is the way she is because of me" and not to be consulted at all about the proposal, picking out the ring, etc she felt like her opinions and thoughts and feelings just didn't matter, as if it was a slap in the face and that my fiance and I are just going to disregard her feelings about all future important events. Looking back now, I understand why she might have felt that way.
Another factor I think that plays into everything is the whole "your taking my little girl away from me" thing. Are you the oldest child in your family or the first to get engaged? I am, and I think this way of thinking was also part of the reason my parents were so upset and angry. They had never experienced a child getting engaged before so instead of thinking about all the positive things that will happen to their child, they immediately went to all of the potential negatives and concerns for the future.
Regardless of all of this, I want to tell you that it WILL get better eventually. At first, I wanted to go and schedule all of these family meetings with me and my fiance and my parents in order to make things better, but I don't think any of that would have helped. Your parents just need time to process everything and they need to deal with their emotions on their own. For now, I think if you continue to show them how happy you and your fiance are and remain confident in your decision, it's the best thing you can do. I know it sounds corny, but I really believe that parents just really want to make sure their children lead long, happy, healthy lives. They have their own idea of what this means, and if something happens that conflicts with their idea, they're going to immediately think it's not what's right for their child. With time, they'll see that you are your own person and need to experience life for yourself.
Best of luck with the wedding planning!! :) Be positive!!
Welcome!! Congrats on your engagement that is so exciting. But this sucks!!! I am sorry you are going through this. You cant please everyone. You just have to work on doing what is best for you!! Im sure that they will warm up to the idea, maybe when things calm down let them know how important it is to you to have their support. It sounds like you told your parents after the fact of being engaged which could be a reason on why they reacted the way they did also. Even though its "old school" or whatever The parents like to know whats going on, and like to be involved in the process more than you would think. Again Im sorry your going through this. Thing do get better, and no matter how much support you have from your family. I at least always seem to get some here, so stick around.
I'm also 20 and recntly engaged.
I agree with efgrand. When I first brought up the engagement convo with my parents (before we were engaged) my mom was upset, thought I was too young, etc. As time went on she came to accept it and by the time FI proposed she was really happy about it. FI also asked my mom and dad for my hand especially since I am still dependent on them financially and consider their house my home when I'm back home for the summer.
I think like efgrand said that they might feel left out of the process, but idk your history with your parents
Also, the odds are against us, being young brides. but they would be against us at an age. You just have to do whats right for you! CONGRATS!!!
@Future Mrs. Christian: Welcome to the Hive and Congratulations.
I think both sets of parents are looking at the 2 of you like you are their babies still. They are not ready to let you go fully and marriage is a way of letting go. I think it is a good idea that you have a long engagement to get things in line (School, Household, Savings for your wedding) and I think with these things going on, it will turn their opinions in your direction. I am a parent and I think if my child came to me at 20 and said she was engaged, I would have mixed feelings about it but I would not make her feel bad either, I would just deal with it the best way I can and take it from there.
Keep your head up, Good Luck and Congratulations.
I understand what you're going through to some degree. My family is happy, his isn't thrilled. It's tough, especially since everyone in both sides of your family isn't excited.
One thing that has helped me is the bee! Chatting and posting and talking with others who are certainly excited for you ( I am! congrats!) no matter how young or old you are.
I am 21, FI is 23. SO I get the young and in school part. Are your friends happy for you? If so... celebrate with them! I hope at least someone you or your FH knows is happy for ya'll.
Congratulations to you both!! I, for one, am very happy for you :)
I can empathize with what you're going through, my dad barely blinked when my FI and I told him we were engaged, and his girlfriend just sat there and didn't do anything. No hugs, no congrats, no nothing.
I agree with cameronwedding, I think part of it has to do with both sets of parents thinking that their babies are growing up way too fast. You both seem very logical and mature in that you're going to finish up your education before getting married.
A sit down with the parents might be in order. They need to know how hurt and unloved it made you feel that they gave you the reaction they had. I think in time they will come around.
After all, you've been living together for a year already. If my 20 year old daughter was living with a guy and DIDN'T have a ring on her finger, I'd be upset! They should be happy knowing this man loves you and wants to take care of you for the rest of your life and that it isn't just some "boyfriend" anymore!
Good luck!
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Hey everyone!
I am new to the site, and have been having some problems. I feel like I need to chat with others who may have a better understanding of what I am going through. SO thanks in advanced!
So. My fiance and I are both 20 years old. I know it is young. We have been together for over four and a half years and have been living together for over a year. We are both fairly close to both of our families. This last month, my fiance popped the question and we have decided on having a rather long engagement (about 2 years) to finish getting our degrees.
We are both super excited and so happy. We were excited to tell our families. First we told my parents, per ettiquette, and the were not very excited... My mother lectured me about how I better not be pregnant and how it is dumb that I am engaged and not completely financially dependent (my dad pays my car insurance and for schooling, at least what isn't covered by my scholarships). My father saw the ring and just said, "What the hell is that?" and walked away. While I understand I am young and not financially secure (yet) we are really hurt by the lack of emotional support and the way she expressed her views.
We thought his family would be more excited. But we were wrong. His mother knew he was looking for a ring, but she got angry when we told her, and kept saying over and over to my fiance, "You said you were going to do it later this summer, not so soon. Why didn't you wait? You didn't tell me. You lied, etc. etc. etc." The rest of his family was just like "Good for you." and continued watching tv.
I understand that no one can be as excited as us, but the unsupportive reactions or sheer lack of any reaction really hurt and upset us.
Sorry for the lengthy post. But thanks for reading! Has anyone else encountered any problems similar to this regarding your engagement or wedding date? Any problems with family? How did you cope or solve the problems? We are just upset and we feel like our families are disappointed and embarrassed of us.