(Closed) Engagement Talk… pretty disappointing… now what?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: What should I do now bees?
    If you think I'm going to read this novel, you are crazy gurl! : (26 votes)
    18 %
    Keep waiting and stay quiet- he will figure something out. : (7 votes)
    5 %
    Have a follow-up discussion about this bc it is a hot mess. : (34 votes)
    23 %
    Get over it and be happy with whatever you get (proposal, ring, timing). : (19 votes)
    13 %
    Put your foot down- he should fulfill his promises to you. : (4 votes)
    3 %
    Try to enjoy New Years! Get dolled up and have fun! : (24 votes)
    17 %
    Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me- It is time to go. : (16 votes)
    11 %
    Wait to see if he makes it by the next timeline (May 2013) or not. : (15 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    135 posts
    Blushing bee

    I have to admit I didn’t read your entire post. Once I got to the part about your FI having financial difficulties but insisting on proposing in a foreign country I quit reading.

    Why in the world would you plan a trip to a foreign country when he doesn’t think he has enough money to even purchase the ring?  This sounds like a trip into more financial problems.

    As a waiting bee I totally understand wanting to be engaged but it shouldn’t be at the cost of fiscal responsibilty.

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    4901 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Sorry, this is a bit blunt. 

    It seems to me that men act on their highest priority first. If the ring was as important as he’s making it seem, he would have made it happen. Unless you’re insisting on something far outside of what he can afford (which is not the impression I’m getting here) he seems to be dragging his feet. He could ask with a plain band. But he’s not. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1810 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    This is a tough situation. It is your proposal, but it is also his proposal too, so I understand him wanting to make it really special for both of you. I think it is important to tell him what is really important for you, and then try to leave it alone and let him make his decisions.

     

    I feel like I need to mention that his financial situation combined with his ideas/actions (spending too much on Christmas, getting you an expensive ring even though it’s unreasonable, and planning to propose to you overseas) is a red flag. This seems to be financially irresponsible. Is this a habit for him? That is something that I think you should think about. If this is common for him, this is a part of who he is, and if you two get married, you’ll have to learn to cope with it. You may find yourself frustrated with his financial decisions in the future, especially if he is not taking your feelings/ ideas into consideration (which he does not seem to be doing as he seems to be refusing to buy a less expensive ring, or adhere to the Christmas spending limit).

     

    I’m not saying a marriage won’t work– my husband is not the most financially responsible person. But it was just something I wanted to bring up.

     

    I think if you could get him to take your opinions regarding this topic into consideration by his rethinking the ring and trip to overseas, that would be a good sign.

    Post # 6
    Member
    3825 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    At this point, it’s not about if he will propose. It’s about his financial irresponsibility. You guys should have a discussion about living within your means. If money is an issue now, it will be an issue later on in your marriage. It doesn’t matter how much you have. If he has a bad relationship with money now, it will show up again.

    Post # 7
    Member
    5310 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    You don’t need a ring to be engaged. You certainly do not need an expensive ring to be engaged. If he wanted to ask, he would make it happen. If you both wanted to be married, you would be. Even if it was a >$100 sterling silver ring for now. It sounds like he has a lot of reasons at this point NOT to propose. Maybe he is just this horrible at planning, or maybe he just is looking for excuses. But, you also are seemingly looking for the “perfect proposal” (in your head) which may be pretty pressure-filled for him to not disappoint you. You definitely should not be planning trips overseas if finances do not allow for it and are that tight! No way! If he wants your grandmother to cosign a ring (do not do this, and while sometimes financing works if it is 0% and it can be paid off before interest applies I do not get sense your SO is that responsible to do this which can put him AND your grandmother in dire straits with creditors!) then you definitely should not be going overseas!

    I also agree with those who mentioned his financial decisions are concerning. It also sounds like you are using the ring thing as a “lesson” (i.e. you won’t contribute so he has to do it on his own) whether consciously or not. This is also concerning. You marry people as they are. If by chance he does want to get married, and you do, his financial habits are going to affect your life together, and your finances.  Things that bother you NOW about him will likely really, really bother you in a year or two. You marry someone for who they are, not for who you hope they will change into.

    I don’t know, but something is just hitting me as “off” about this situation/dynamic and I can’t precisely say what it is.

    Post # 8
    Member
    6256 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I think if you were willing to settle a little more with regards to the proposal, he might be willing to settle a bit more with regards to the ring. He may just be insisting on buying a diamond because he wants to buy time to plan your dream proposal. It sounds like your standards are pretty high!

    As someone who got engaged in a teeshirt with no makeup on and no one around, I assure you that I am still very much engaged. And if the inherent act of him proposing isn’t romantic enough, maybe you should use this waiting time to think a little bit about why that might be.

    Post # 9
    Member
    9400 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Can you get engaged here and use the money you would put towards travel to a foreign country towards your engagement ring and just take a cheaper trip locally or nearby?  I find it odd that you can afford a vacation abroad but not a ring…  It seems really strange to me.

    Post # 10
    Member
    924 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I’m going to echo some of the previous poster’s sentiments, both about financial (ir)responsibility and that if he wanted to make it happen then it would. 

    My first husband made somewhere in the $35k range when we got engaged and just couldn’t seem to save for a ring, or anything else for that matter.  Granted, I was in school at the time, so only working part time.  The rings we had looked at were less than $500, but he couldn’t even make that happen.  I handled the finances and knew that there should have been $300-400 left over every month (turns out he had a major drug habit).  This financial recklessness (and his extracurricular activities) carried over into our marriage.  He’s in bankruptcy and my credit is hosed for at least the next 2 years. 

    My current FI is a “househusband.”  He doesn’t have a regular job, but does do odd jobs here and there to earn money.  He pays the water bill and buys groceries when he can, but for the most part I handle all the bills (this is a fantastic arrangement for us, BTW).  He managed to save $4600 in 5 months.  I’m still not sure how he did it.  I think that he might have used part of his inheritance on it.  But the point is that he wanted it to happen so he made it happen.

    I’m not saying your guy is stringing you along.  Hell, I’m not saying that a big sparkly ring is neccessary.  But be aware that there are some financial issues here.  Most divorces are caused by fights over money.  I found that to be true, although I often found the money fight just a cover up for underlying issues.  We would have still have problems if we won the lottery.  Just be careful. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    1245 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    OP, I don’t mean to come across as being harsh so I apologize in advance if I do.

    It sounds like both of you are really hung up on the actual proposal. “The proposal” is not a desination – it is part of the journey. We see on tv and You Tube and Facebook all these huge, public proposals, and unfortunately, a lot of women get sucked up in the moment.  Just because someone plans an elaborate or expensive proposal (and lets face it, planning on getting engaged in a foreign country to me says “elaborate and expensive”) it doesn’t make it any more meaningful than someone that gets a proposal at home or gets a less exciting proposal.  Some people are very hung up on having a picture, perfect, tweet-worthy moment.

    When my DH proposed, he proposed with a rather inexpensive ring (compared to our area and the rings my friends were receiving) because we were both in grad school.  He didn’t wait until he could afford my “dream ring” – he wanted to marry me and he couldn’t wait.

    I obviously don’t know anything about you or your SO.  But it sounds to me like he is using this financial excuse to stall.  If you are planning on having a CZ for the center anyway, how much are you talking about him having to save for the setting?  Is it a $5,000 setting?  Having your grandmother co-sign is a bad idea and it sets a bad precedent.  What happens when he wants to buy a car?  A house?

    He’s already broken his promise to propose by May 2012 – why was that?  Finances again?  Heck, it all guys waited until they could afford it, none of us would be engaged or married!

    Post # 12
    Member
    4352 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think you should cosign for the ring and have a non-romantic proposal in the US. You’re putting too much pressure on him for a fancy ring and romantic proposal. If you stop caring about that so much you’ll get what you really want (to be engaged).

    Post # 13
    Member
    4352 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    double post.

    Post # 14
    Member
    474 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

    I would advise against going into debt for a proposal…save the fancy trip for the honeymoon. What is really important to you about the proposal? For me personally I’d rather be proposed somewhere that is personally meaningful for us…being proposed to in a foreign country that you might only go back to once or twice again in your life isn’t very special or intimate sounding to me. What should be important is the moment the man you love presents the ultimate commitment of asking to marry you, regardless of where you are physically. It should come from the heart and should be authentic.

    I also agree that people shouldn’t buy rings they can’t pay for out of pocket. There are plenty of inexpensive options out there for rings. If they can’t afford one now, save up for it rather than take out loans / cosign. Talk about throwing money away. I understand he wants “the best” for you but his refusal to reasonably spend within his means is concerning. I think you two need to have a sit down talk about how you are going to handle your finances as a married couple and work on that before you consider engagement. Then, let him surprise you! It seems that he’s told you the exact date and time he was planning on doing it, what fun is that? Instead I would focus on saving a trip like that for the honeymoon and let the guy do his thing, once you are on the same page re: finances. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    808 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    My first reaction was that I thought he was stalling a bit, and making excuses.  That would be hard to say without more info.  Its definitely time for a BIG TALK.  Time to put all the cards on the table, and tell him your feelings on the whole getting engaged thing.  Romantic proposal does not have to be expensive or extravagant, but he may think you require something over the top.  IF this is not the case, tell him!  Make sure he knows you’d say yes to a sincere romantic proposal with a cracker jack ring. 

    Good luck!

    Post # 16
    Member
    2 posts
    Wannabee

    Ok. I am and have been in a very similar situition for a long time. Well, too long anyway. Years. I’m not going to suggest you leave because a) you obviously want to marry him and be with him for the rest of your life and b) I’d be a hypocrit. I think what’s really important here is communication. Do you really want to know when it’s going to happen? I did the same thing. First (well most recently) it was ” by thanksgiving”. I had reminded him how long the ring took to make, and two days before thanksgiving weekend he got freaked out and we actually almost broke up. I was tired of waiting and tired of the deadlines. the ring wasn’t even ready in time! Then, it was ” by the Christmas party” so we could tell everyone. Well, he didn’t insure the ring in time and guess what? Still no ring. It’s so stressful and disappointing. I think you two need to talk, and stop the deadlines. I personally feel like its time to s— or get off the pot. Not break up, but decide not to get engaged. If financially it can’t happen, I’d settle for a beautiful band and have that be your engagement ring. The ring doesn’t matter, the meaning does! I didn’t mean for this to be so long!! Just sharing what I’ve learned. 

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