- 3 years ago
- Wedding: February 2014
I’ve been around this forum for some time now, perhaps a month, but this is the first time I’m posting. I really need advice, feedback, virtual hugs, pretty much anything is utterly appreciated. I feel like I’ve got no one to talk to about this, and it’s making my life really crappy.
It all began about a month ago, when FI proposed to me. I’m 26, only child, and still live with my parents (tradition in my country, plus my parents are pretty conservative and Catholic). FI is 24, has siblings, and lives with his parents as well. We’ve been dating for around 4 years, we both have a Bachelor’s degree and have a full-time job.
The day that FI proposed was the happiest, yet saddest day of my life. He took me out to dinner, and made me believe we were going out with his sister and BIL, and proposed in the geekest, sweetest way. I said yes; I was so happy, until we came back home. When we gave my parents the news, they didn’t say a word, only a bitter “Congratulations”. Nothing more. It all came downhill. I had been dreaming about this day for so long, and I wasn’t able to enjoy it. FI’s family is completetly supportive and they couldn’t be happier for us.
In an attempt to make this post shorter, I’ll try to sum it all up. By the way, English is not my native language, so forgive me if I’m not clear enough.
My parents don’t approve him. My mother has never done so; her reasons are: 1) He doesn’t care much about his appearance, 2) She doesn’t think that he’ll be able to support me through life (I think this is mainly because he’s afraid of hospitals, phobia-like). My father thinks he’s a good “boy”, but doesn’t see him as my husband. He says that even if we’re good friends and spend a good time together, he doesn’t see the romantic side, plus he thinks we’re too young.
I feel the need to let you know that I’m pretty much the “perfect daughter”. I’ve never given my parents too much trouble. I respect them, been a straight-A student, and I’m condescending w/them (a lot perhaps). I’m very close to my parents and, for as long as I remember, I’ve been acting as a bridge between them meaning, they’ve had a hard time together, lots of fights, months without speaking to each other (too much pride), and this has affected me a lot. Religion has brought them together, but they still cannot bond as a couple. My mother had a disease that involved 4 surgeries and radiotherapy, one of those surgeries being extremely (50% chance of death or damage) dangerous. Everything is good now, thanks to God.
I’ve recently gone back to Catholiscism. FI supports me, he’s a believer but doesn’t agree with the Catholic system. But still, he goes to mass with me and has agreed to raise up our kids as Catholics, which I appreciate. We had a discussion over contraceptives, and agreed using barrier method when we’re married (I know this is against Catholiscism, but I cannot think of having more children that I can support, emotionally and financially speaking, so I’m asking you not to tell me that I’m not a Catholic for this, if you prefer to call me Christian that’s okay though).
I asked my FI for a month to deal with this, since I want my parents to be involved, but that we would begin looking out for churches and picking the date. I still cannot tell my parents that we’ve been seeing/picking churches. The month is almost over and I still feel so helpless and sad. My parents and I are currently going to counseling, and so am I, privately. I feel like I’ve progressed, but not that much in the sense that I still feel distressed. FI’s is feeling frustrated because he sees that this is still affecting me and taking away all my (our) happiness. We really didn’t fight before the engagement, but it seems like this situation has brought up lots of discussions and fights. He feels like he’s begging me to marry him, specially because I’m so anxious and I feel that I cannot do this (planning) without my parents’ blessing. During one of our fights, I told him that I still cannot get through my mother’s sickness and that was one of the reasons that I cannot bear to upset her. He asked/told me that if he had to go through a sickness to get attention from me. I won’t lie, that comment hurt and I let him know. He feels like I’m not giving him his place by putting my parents first. He says that if his parents didn’t approve, he would give them the choice to either be part of this or not, as in he would give me my place so to say. I feel misunderstood and yet, I get was he’s telling me.
I’ve been crying a lot, lost weight, and have had thoughts on wanting not to wake up alive. My father has let me know that if my mother doesn’t support me, that he’ll do anything he can to support me and change my mother’s opinion if I still want to marry my FI; but I feel so guilty to put him through so much stress.
During my counseling sessions, my counselor has let me know that even if my FI was the “perfect man”, my parents would still not approve because they’re so dependent on me and see me as their little one.
We’ve picked out a church. FI called and the church is available for Feb 22. When picking out dates we mentioned Feb-March 2014. I let my parents know that we wanted to get married in Feb-March, but that we picked out March; my father thanked me for giving them an extra month. This lead to another fight, because FI didn’t want me to let them know that they are have control over our wedding date. FI wants to get married in Feb, which is why he asked for Feb 22 (last Saturday of Feb). I mentioned him the possibility of picking out March 17, but he feels like I’m doing this to please my parents, not because I want to. Truth is, he’s right. I already told my parents March, how can I tell them that it’ll be Feb instead when I feel so distressed?
I’m sad too because FI is angry at my parents for taking away my happiness. He says that that will go away once they support me and respect my desires and choices.
This post has turned out to be longer that I’ve liked, sorry. But I didn’t want to cut out things that I felt were important. As I said previously, any comment, advice, etc., will be very appreciated. Thanks for reading.