Post # 1
Sorry it’s long post and I’m not sure it will make much sense. If you have some time to kill, go ahead 🙂 I’ve been with my guy for almost two years. I have knows he is the one since very very early in the relationship. And he says he knew I was the woman he wants to spend his life with, marry and have a family with. All good. We get along great. We have an uncomplicated relationship that most people find complicated because we live in two countries. We split time between the Caribbean and Europe. Summers in Europe and Winters in the Caribbean.
Anyway, marriage talk started in a very casual way with me saying something along the lines of if we get married… And he said “funny that you bring the M word up. But to me it is not IF we get married babe it is a matter of WHEN we get married. I’ve known I want to marry you since our first days together” . I blushed because I didn’t mean to bring marriage to see what he was thinking. It was just a very random comment that I blurted out without thinking much. I explained this because as much as I liked what I heard and was totally smitten, I was also sort of embarrased. This was kind of a few months into our relationship. Fast forward and this summer he began speaking about WHEN we get married this and more recently WHEN we have our kids… And he said he wants me to absolutely love my ring and that he’d prefer if I choose it or decide what I want so we can have someone make it. I’ve been checking rings out and this weekend I found one I love. He has been sort of meh… if you like it with 99% of the rings I’ve shown him. But this one he simply typed (text he’s travelling for work) WOW. That is really beautiful. So we agreed we have a winner and he asked me to choose who’ll make the ring.
In the meantime, he’s said he just wants to get married, he doesn’t understand girls obsession with rings, that we should pick a $100 ring (he is well off financially), that we should go to the courthouse and get married, that he doesn’t like parties, you name it. He likes to tease me. But he is also a very relaxed guy who likes his quiet and he doesn’t like to be the center of attention . The other day I called him a grinch while we were joking because he doesn’t like anything. Rings, wedding parties, bla bla. He laughed and said you do realize I’m joking about some of those things, right? But I won’t tell you which ones I’m just joking about! Aargghhh I wanted to yell at him for torturing me lol.
Bees the thing is that os is serious about the courthouse wedding and then having our church blessing and also the party. First of all because that is how law requires it’s done in Germany where he is from but also because there is a lot of immigration stuff we need to get done on both countries. That is not the norm here in the island. But people here don’t get worked up about those things. Whatever you need or what to do fine. As long as they get to party and celebrate with you at some point hehe.
Anyway, I feel a little confused. I am not clear on what stage our relationship is at. I’ve never been married. He neither. Hell I don’t even know if I shuld join the waiting board. But also we’ll have a meeting with immigration lawyers when he comes back to get all the info we will need. I know there are non proposal stories of many bees that just decided to get married and chose a date and that was that. I think my confusion is also part of a cultural clash between my guy and I. All we know and agree is that we want to get married. He for example doesn’t understand u that if you get married in the church here you don’t have to go to the courthouse to get married or validate the marriage there too! In Germany you HAVE to get married by law and then choose a future date to have the church ceremony and party.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling post that mught not make much sense. I am just confused and was trying to organize my thoughts and share them here on the bee because somehow it does not feel something that will happen soon but I think he is dead serious about the whole thing. Maybe I just don’t want to get all excited and hyped up and then feel let down. I don’t know!!!
Post # 3
@Sporty-Bee: I think you should have a serious talk with your boyfriend about what you thinking weddings, and more importantly, marriages, are about. If him joking isn’t a joke to you, let him know that it’s hurting you and no one’s laughing but him. Those discussions can be hard but they are essential to healthy relationships.
Post # 4
@Sporty-Bee: I can definitely understand his confusion, but I am a little bit confused myself about him wanting you to have the ring you want, but then saying that you should have a $100 ring. I study German culture, so I know that weddings really aren’t a huge deal for them like they are in the US or in other countries. I also know that typically they get a plain wedding band to wear on the left hand during engagement and switch it to the right when they are married, so this could be why he is confused about you having a big engagement ring.
When he gets back from his trip I would ask him if you can have a serious conversation about future plans and what kind of engagement and wedding you both need or want. I would tell him what you 100% need from him (if you want the big ring, big ceremony, etc. or if you can settle for just a plain band and a courthouse ceremony). I would also try to find out more about his views on marriages. Is he TOTALLY against having an actual wedding, spending money on jewelry, etc?
In the end, you both are going to have to compromise with some things. Maybe you get your ring, but you get married in the courthouse and then have a party later.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
Congratulations, you are pre-engaged!
Immigration is a lengthy process. So, if I were in your shoes, focus on getting him to the Carribean/where you live.
I also mirror a PP’s post; I briefly read that in German culture, the couples exchange rings during engagement. Fancy engagement rings are not very often sought for in Europe; I don’t think. (They are also very expensive in Europe; you’re better off making a trip to the States; etc and look for stock sales)
Post # 6
Thanks for replying. I think after re reading the post and your responses I think I realized part of me feeling confused is because we’ve spent all these months separated and pretty much all we have when we are separated is imessaging back and forth due the difference in time zones added to work commitments and life happening and running differently on both sides. So communication is not exactly clear and we joke a lot which might not help the case at times. O Skyped with him and told him how I felt and he said he was definitely joking about the $100 ring. That he knows it’s important to me and from previous conversations he knows I’m very practical and I want something that won’t really cost a fortune but definitely not $100.
He also said that he thinks the courthouse is our best way to proceed but we need to see the immigration lawyer first because if there is not a lot we can advance in the process, we might as well just have our regular ceremony in the church and reception. In any case, he said if what makes sense to make our life easier is courthouse route, that we would be doing so with our wedding party and religious ceremony already having a date, a place and invitations for pur family and friends to come celebrate with us.
We said we’ll speak about it all when he is finally here next week to stay for a few months before it’s my time to head to Germany with him for the Summer/Autumn months. He said he understands how some traditions can be super different but that he wants to honor mine and make me happy as much as I have been very insistemt in honoring most of their traditions too and want to have a ceremony and small reception in Germany for his friends and family who for financial reasons won’t be able to travel.
Thanks for helping me clear my head and open the communication line in the way I needed to get things cleared up. Sometimes we have extra challenges due to the cultural aspects and also the distance but other than a few bumps here and there we seem to be on the same page and feel happy. Especially when we are not doing the long distance thing.
Post # 7
@Cynderbug: thank you! 🙂
You and the PP are right. Engagement and weddings arw quite different in Germany. They use plain bands and use them on the right hand when you are married! Left is for engaged people. Yes, normally men use the bands when engaged too for what FMIL said. But SO is not too keen on it. Hehe. He never wears any jewelry. Not even a watch.
It is super different here in the island. Because we are an American territory and we are born US citizens, we observe many of the US traditions when it comes to weddings. Although at the same time we still honor our Spanish heritage and well our Latin traditions in general. So it’s a weird mix that we have here in the island!
Although definitely not plain bands, we don’t spend a fortune on e rings normally. Something like the two month’s salary rule is not followed at all here. And weddings in general tend to be much more relaxed affairs. Even the fancy ones.
Immigration as you mentioned is the part that worries me a bit more as I think is a complicated process. For him here in the island with US immigration. For me in Germany they treat US citizens super well and have a lot of special treatment for US citizens.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
That’s really cool! 🙂 Good luck with the immigration process. I pray that it will go smoothly, especially with him moving to US.
On a side note, if you ever wanted to exchange traditional German recipes, just PM away! Even though my FI’s Canadian, half of his heritage is German. 🙂