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Haha, great question :) A lot of people told me to "enjoy the engagement" as a way to say "enjoy the first few weeks after getting engaged because once you start planning, it's the worst experience of your life".
That was great advice!
I personally think waiting was lovely, we could just enjoy and be happy without any drama or anything. Once we started planning, I wanted to make the engagement period as short as possible to just get it over with - I see no need to be engaged for engagement's sake. Just my two cents!
Huh. I never really stopped to consider what makes the engagement period special. For right now, it's fun to say "my fiance" and I obviously enjoy the ring, but I'm not sure what really is special about it except for planning a wedding together and getting to know his family better (which wouldn't end once we're married!).
I can't really think of anything that makes it any different than any other time.
I liked being engaged! Planning for your life together is special. I get it can be really stressful, though.
I am one of those people who believes in enjoying the engagement hahaha :) And it's definitely not something I would say to make people with long engagements feel better. I personally would like to be engaged for at least a year in order to "enjoy being engaged". Reasons why:
1. I personally feel that being engaged is a special time in a woman's life where she is somewhat in the spotlight and has the opportunity to be treated extra special by friends and family. Everyone is so excited for you and you have parties thrown in your honor and people always want to know how the wedding planning is going and all that. Think about it, if you see someone with an engagement ring that you don't know, you may say "Oh wow, you're engaged! Congratulations!" and ask about the details etc. If you see someone with a wedding ring you aren't like "Oh you're married! How cool!"
2. I personally love planning. I think planning my special day will be so exciting and it's something I do want to be able to enjoy and not stress about. I want to be able to find all the right things for the right prices and all that.
3. There is all this anticipation leading up to the marriage. You are excited, FI is excited, your friends and family are excited. Then you get married and you don't have that super exciting life changing event to look forward to anymore.
Engaged means planning to get married, it is special because you've moved up a step from "just" being in a relationship to actively planning a wedding and future together. I love saying this is fiance rather than boyfriend and think its very exciting to get to make all the wedding planning decisions. Sometimes it does get stressful but its a stress that I actually enjoy.
Yeah, after the initial shock and excitement over being engaged, I don't really get it either. We haven't gotten into the full 'stress' of wedding planning yet, so I'm not to the point of reminiscing on our engagement 'beginnings' when it was simple happiness and excitement and I wasn't freaking out about floral arrangements.
One thing I think an engagement period is good for though is that you and your FI can now have some serious conversations about what you both want in your life together. It's not just the theoretical talk that you had when you were just dating, this is the real deal now. We've definitely taken it up a level to talk about where we'll move next to accomodate the family we want, when we want to start having kids, etc. I think it's a good time to sketch out your life plan together, all the way to retirement and old age, so you can be clear in communication and not just 'assume' it will all work out without talking about it.
Ugh people kept saying this to me as my wedding got closer. Oh you are only engaged once and you should enjoy this time because it will be over soon. Yeah such BS. I'm sorry but being married is a million times better than being engaged. We fought a lot through our engagement and literally right after we got married we have barely fought in the past 3 months. I have also been a lot less stressed. I really have no clue what people mean when they say this to you!
I think people just say it because getting engaged is exciting. I don't think they really think about the time of engagement itself. Although it is a unique and (relatively, compared with how long you were singe, and how long you will be married) short time, so perhaps just enjoy it for that?
I guess for us it's something more sound and real than just dating, but it's not yet a "legal obligation."
@ejs4y8: I agree. I like being in the "engagement period." For me it's like a prelude to the rest of our lives together...things are more relaxed (despite the wedding planning), the seriousness of marriage hasn't set it, and we really are just enjoying our time together.
It feels almost like we're teenagers and everything is really giddy and exciting. I can imagine that although the wedding will be exciting being married probably won't feel the same. We'll still be mad for each other, but we have set a lot of serious life goals for ourselves after the wedding and it will be more of a time for us to put our noses to the grind as partners.
I'm loving the engagement, it's a great build-up to the wedding :)
@jenter: We've definitely taken it up a level to talk about where we'll move next to accomodate the family we want, when we want to start having kids, etc. I think it's a good time to sketch out your life plan together, all the way to retirement and old age, so you can be clear in communication and not just 'assume' it will all work out without talking about it.
This, right here. There is some excitement to being engaged (people asking you about the wedding, the planning, ect) but outside of discussing the future in real vs. abstract terms and actually planning the wedding, I don't see the big deal either.
Unless you're actively planning your wedding, I think just being engaged would be frustrating. You've got the ring, you're going to get married (at some point), but thats it. You're kind of in this place of limbo, you're more than dating but you're not married yet. Some people really enjoy this "limbo" period, other people (myself included) just want to get to the next stage, already!
I'm in a long engagement and no one needs to tell me something to make me "feel better" becaue I LOVE my engagement. Not to say everyone has to, but don't assume gals who are in long engagements are unhappy. :) We dated for almost four years before getting engaged so a 2.5 year engagement really doesn't seem that long. It's been amazing. Of course I'm ready for the wedding to be here, but I still love that we no longer have to be discreet about our level of commitment and head-over-heels love for each other. :)
i think it's a reminder not to rush things. being engaged is different from being married, and it's nice to stop and smell the roses once in awhile an enjoy planning for your life together, instead of obsessing over the wedding.
The engagement period is just full of stressful planning. FI and I got engaged in February and will be married in December. I'm glad that we will soon be able just to move on with the normal stressers of life and cut out this big shin-dig planning.
With that said I wish we would have eloped or had a small destination honey-moon. I am excited for it don't get me wrong, but the amount of money, relationship stress, financial stress, family stress, it's all too much for just one day.
While being engaged was a special time in our lives, I wish it had been shorter than 1.5 years. If I could do things over again, I would seriously consider a couthouse wedding with parents only. I would say siblings, but they have SO MANY kids now it would make it a huge event. And we were really eager to start off our married life, being engaged is like a weird transitional period. We are SO much happier now that we're married, it's just so much better than being engaged.
@Gemstone: lol, I didn't assume or state girls in long engagements were unhappy. ::confused::: I was just wondering the reason behind the sentiment and because I saw it a lot on threads where people were asking for reassurance for a long engagement. I am really glad you are happy. :)
I enjoy reading everyone's input!
i'm trying to enjoy the last few months of our engagement, and it really hit me this weekend WHY i need to really try to enjoy it..
we had our first shower this month, as well as our tasting. we will never experience those events again. we will never be the "bride and groom" at events--and these events are about US. they are FOR us. we won't ever have that again. i've been trying to just enjoy the moments and soak it all up because once these events are over, they are over--we can't get this time back.
we can't WAIT to be married. but all the "events" and "experiences" that come with wedding planning are really something that should be enjoyed.
i'd also like to point out that we've been engaged for about 7.5 months at this point and i only recently started to really enjoy it.
People who are married a long time say this because they know that the engagement is the "shiny" time. They know that, once the wedding is over and your life goes "back to normal", you won't feel that whirlwind of excitement for planning, etc.
I think that the excitement of an engagement, the fun of planning it all, the focus being on you ... it's fleeting. So, enjoy it while you have it. After the wedding, it's back to everyday life and nobody will "care" anymore. So many brides get depressed because there's nothing to plan, nobody asking how wedding plans are going. You kind of just go back to that "everyday" pace that you have kind of forgotten about in that year of planning.
But what do I know? Even though I was engaged for 10 years, we just up and decided to go to the JoP one day and I didn't have the "whirlwind" of planning that most women get. I've always said that I lost the right to a big white wedding since I had 3 kids before we got married!
Getting married is going to bring a lot of changes to my life, which makes the engagement exciting, but being engaged is just a stepping stone to those changes. I am enjoying engagement, but not for the sake of being engaged, or planning a wedding, or even all the gifts and parties. The engagement is special because of the marriage. It feeels like the lights dimming in a theater, right before the music starts and the curtain goes up on the show. It's a nice prelude to the real show.
i havent had a long engagement (7 months total) but i can understand why people say enjoy the engagement. its kind of like my time in the spotlight...not that everything revolves around me but in my own head its wedding wedding wedding and i love it, even if others dont share my excitement and i dont really push it on anyone. I am just as excited to be married but for some reason being engaged is just different . Its like OUR time before actually gettting married....maybe its the anticipation of "the wedding" and being married that makes me excited...you hear alot about "post wedding blues" and i think thats is because we spend our entire engagement pumped about our wedding day. Needless to say, everyone should stop and enjoy their engagement for what it is...its a short period of time (in the grand scheme of things) that is dedicated to planning your wedding and your life together.
Thanks everyone for the responses! These are great. I have never seen it stated like this before and I am starting to get it a little.
I think an engagement is an important transition time that has a lot of excitement in it. It also comes with some stress, but for the most part, it was a time where my husband and I talked a LOT about everything we wanted for the future, and a lot of plans were made.
But, it doesn't sound like you're cutting that short if your elopement is next year. That's plenty of time. Just do what you want!
Yes, weddings are planned during engagements but the period of engagement is to prepare for marriage, not a wedding. When you date there's no formal commitment beyond today in essence. At any time, either person could end things. When you are engaged, you are saying that I intend to make a lifelong commitment, but yet one still hasn't been made. You begin to get more serious about things and plan for the future. That's why I think people SHOULD enjoy their engagement. It's more than white dresses, cakes, and DJs. It's a time for the two of you to enjoy the beginning stages of that formal commitment. There's no longer a question of "if" or "When."
Engagement time is STRESSFUL! I can definitely relate to your original post... Mainly b/c my FI wants to just elope or have a destination wedding... But I want my family to be there… Have my Daddy walk me down the aisle and just have all the wonderful pictures and memories to go along with it! But on the other hand… My Mom and Step-dad are giving me $1000 and I’m paying for the rest… and by I... I seriously mean ME! And I don’t have alotta money... So student loans are paying for the Wedding... I know that’s horrible and I will so probably regret it but right now it’s what I have... My FI is going to pay for the honeymoon since he really doesn’t want a wedding anyway... I’m praying that he will come around and that I’m not being a complete bia for not just giving in and having the destination wedding…
@Aubergold: Didn't mean to say you were. I just meant that I personally have nothing I need to "feel better" about. For some people, long engagement are frustrating, and I feel lucky that my own hasn't been that way.
I think most people when they say that are referring to how people treat you like you walk on water when you're a bride. And you really are a bride for the entire time from proposal to wedding day. Marriage is without a doubt a million times better than being engaged, and I've never once looked back, but I'd say it to someone without hesitating: enjoy being engaged. Yes it's stressful, and you unfortunately learn some nasty truths about the human race and your loved ones during the process, but people are excited for you (excited! for YOU!), they throw you parties, they gush over you. Vendors who are good at their jobs won't sound like they're faking it when they grin and ask about you and your life and your wedding, and beg to wait on you hand and foot. It's amazing when it's over, but it's a great time, and too easy to let the bad outweigh the good - so that's why I think it's important to be reminded to make the choice to enjoy it.
I get what everyone is saying, but I don't feel the same way. Granted, my wedding is still six months out, but aside from the day FH and I got engaged, very few people have been overly excited about the wedding (our mothers, my sister somewhat, and one friend somewhat) and no one ever calls me a bride or treats me any different than before. Also, I am not having a bridal shower, and it seems like bachelorette parties are as much for friends as it is for the bride, so I really am not being treated like I walk on water or anything like that. I am just a normal person and at this time in my life, I just happen to be engaged. That's all. No big deal.
And, in my opinion, all the planning has big a huge pain in my ass. I am NOT enjoying the planning (thank god I'm mostly done) and I am definitely not enjoying saving up all this money that will be spent on one day. I am just hoping that at the end of the day, the whole wedding and everything that went into it will be worth it.
I am not particularly enjoying my engagement (though I don't hate it either... I feel neutral about it, albeit anxious)-- I am just ready to be married. Things felt different right after we got engaged, but since our engagement is so long (we've almost been engaged for two years at this point), the "newness" has worn off, and I'm over it. I just want to be married and not have the wedding and all its stress hanging over my head anymore.
Edit: Upon re-reading my post, it REALLY sounds like I'm whining. But truly, I'm not. I am totally ok with people not gushing over me, not having a bridal shower, etc. As a bride with a long engagement, this is just how I feel. I am not looking for a pity party or anything like that, though that's what this post sounds like, lol!
I think you should do what's right for you. Being engaged was fun, but I much prefer marriage! :)
I’m guilty of saying that lol
For my husband and I, we never really talked about marriage or our future in concrete terms before getting engaged. We would say “when we have kids . . .” and things like that. We both felt like there was the lifelong commitment, but we had not really talked about what form that would take, so for us, the engagement period was this really fun time of sitting down and talking about our life together going forward in concrete terms.
During our engagement we not only talked about things in more concrete terms, but started to talk more about how to get there (i.e., what we both want in the next 10 years and financially what we need to do now to get there).
I think, err, I know, I was lucky to have family on both sides that respected our choices and butted out of the planning process, so it wasn’t super stressful. Wedding planning also didn’t make me and my husband argue more, and honestly, we never argued about anything wedding related (even if we disagreed on a few minor things).
It’s weird because nothing has really changed in our lives since getting married, but *something* is different (in a good way!). I guess I feel like...I enjoyed being single and having those adventures, I enjoy being married and plotting my future adventures with my husband, and I enjoyed the period in between, that bridged those two points in my life.
The excitement of being engaged was great, but quickly wore off once the planning started.... now I just want to be married and have all this planning over with!
@BanditGirl: I agree with you. Also someone once told me that if a couple can survive a year engaged and planning a wedding, then they will do well in marriage. Some people say you were learn how to pick your battles, compromise, and even sacrifice things for each other during the planning. Also, I think that a lot of brides don't get to enjoy the planning and then they have a hard time after the wedding because they feel like they didn't get enough time.
@BanditGirl: I have children and I'm having a Big White Wedding. Is there a reason I shouldn't? ("knowing" you through your posts, I know you probably didn't mean it like it sounded, but wanted to let know it sounded a little mean.)
For us, engagement kinda made everything "glowy" again. I think it's kinda like when you turn 21, there aren't really any good birthdays after that. When you get married it's great, then you have some anniversaries but it's not really as exciting as getting ready to marry the man of your dreams :)
I absolutely love being engaged. I was one of those little girls who planned her wedding from a young age. I knew pretty early on in our relationship that I wanted to marry FI and I was eagerly awaiting our engagement for a number of years (we were together for a little over 5 years when he proposed this past June). I guess one of the reasons why I love being engaged is because I love talking about our wedding plans and I LOVE being a bride since I've waited so long to actually have that title (maybe that sounds self absorbed, but whatevs). I feel like this is such an exciting time in a couples life and I didn't want it to be over so quickly for us. Hence why we choose to have a long engagement (16 months). I love the excitement and anticipation knowing that our wedding is approaching. I also LOVE planning parties and events so this whole wedding thing has been right up my alley.
Of course I cant wait for the end result of marrying my best friend next October but I fully intend on enjoying every moment of our engagement until then. =)
I was engaged for about a month before it sunk in and then I decided I did want engagement pictures...because this is an exciting time. Full of spreading the word, getting congratulations, playing the role of bride-to-be...it's a new expereience that (hopefully) you'll only get once. It's a fun new transitional role...I think this time is more than for planning...it's for celebrating your exciting new role before becoming a wife....although I do tend to be sentimental :p
well i say enjoy being engaged because it's probably the last time you'll get to do a lot of things - that strange time between being single and not. which isn't at all a bad thing! but i feel like with marriage comes a new set of obligations, and your egnagement can be a time both to work out how you're going to handle them together, and enjoying your life without those added stresses. our engagement will be about 18.5 months, and mostly for financial reasons. i have a stressful job and i often have to travel, so i didn't want to rush the wedding planning, both because i really wanted to enjoy and remember it, but also because i didn't want it to be stressful. yes, there are definitely times where i'm like "man i wish we could just get married already so i can cross all of this stuff off my list!"hahaha. but i'm definitely enjoying the engagement thus far.
but ultimately, you have to do what feels right for you. there's no shame in just wanting to be married already! for some people, the wedding itself is less important. and who's to say you can't do both! run off and get married somewhere next year, and if it's that important to your families to have a big party, than you can do that in 2012. but don't feel guilty about not enjoying something everyone tells you you should be.
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So I've shared a couple of times that we (well I) are struggling with deciding whether to move forward with having a traditional wedding in 2012 versus doing a planned elopement in 2011 (FI's preference). 2012 is for a number of reasons, including family preference and because we would be planning on sinking a significant chunk of money into a wedding, we aren't sure if the wedding is even worth it emotionally and financially. I was perusing the boards trying to see if any other bees were/are struggling with the same thing and I always come across one sentiment "enjoy your engagement period, you will never get that time back"
I dont really get this sentiment. Isn't the point of being engaged just to plan for a wedding? I dont know what is particularly special about an engagement period in and of itself; I would say it brings no specific, particular benefit to the couple's lives.
Is this something people just say to make people with long engagements feel better?
What are your thoughts on what makes the engagement period something to particularly cherish?