Post # 1
I don’t know what to do anymore. I was supportive the first 10 times but now.. I just want to slap her and tell her to STOP!
Okay, you probably need background. My best friend started dating a guy almost two years ago. They weren’t exclusive in the beginning or so she thought. Long story short, he STILL brings up that she “cheated” on him. He doesn’t trust her and always assumes the worst. At my wedding my drunk BIL started to dance with her and it started a huge fight. He was convinced they had something going on. Anyways, they have broken up probably 20 times since getting together. He’ll send her some dramatic text stating he can’t be with “someone like her” and they’ll break up for like a day. He’ll say sorry and she’ll go crawling back to him. In December I thought they were finally going to call it quits but next thing I know she is giving him another month, to see if he can change. HE IS NOT CHANGING! I just don’t know what to say anymore. She knows how I feel about him, as in I can’t stand him. There is nothing left to say. How do I stay a good friend? I feel like yelling at her because she is being so stupid about it all. She deserves SO much better.
They are broken up right now but it’s only a matter of days before they are back together.
Post # 3
Ugh, situations like this are ROUGH. Unfortuantely, other than voicing your concern for her, I don’t think there is much else you can do besides being there for her. Sorry 🙁
Post # 4
@savealife: I would make a time to speak with her and lay out all of the points in your post. Express your love and concern, and leave her with, is this really what she wants for the rest of her life?
If so, I’d go on to explain that, you’ll need to distance yourself. That you no longer wish to be an active part of her life with this much chaos and drama, and the distress it causes you to see her being tossed about by this jerk. That, short of an emergency situation, you’re no longer available for the daily dramas, break ups, reunions, etc. And then, do just that. Step away from her.
Im not sayin it’s easy. I’ve had to do this with a married friend of mine whose husband was very controlling, unfaithful, all the time they were getting divorced, now things are great, we’d go out to celebrate a birthday or something, and he’d blow up a fight, cause ugly scenes, etc. I finally had to tell her I’d had enough of it, even if she hadnt. And it hurt me like hell to do that, but the price I was paying to ride along for the crap just wasn’t worth it.
Its an option. Only do it if you can mean it and follow through with it. You can’t forever be close to a situation like that and it not just drain part of your soul away. And you can’t want something for a person more than they want it for themselves and never take action to better their life.
Im sorry you’re going through this. I really hope, for her sake, she’s able to feel your love, and make some positive changes. And I hope for your sake, you’re able to find some peace in the matter as well 🙂
Post # 5
it’s a tough situation to be in – i’ve been there as the person in the relationship, and also as the friend on the outside. There’s nothing else you can say or do to make her realize the situation is toxic. Eventually she will come to her senses and realize it and have the strength to leave (or he will dump her for the last and final time and won’t give her the chance to come back). ALl that’s left for you to do is be there to support her when this happens.
If you have to distance yourself from her for your own well being, don’t feel guilty doing it. I had to with my friend – she was really dragging down my own relationship with all her drama. When her and her ex broke up, even though we hadn’t spoke in months, I still reached out to her to give her my support.
Post # 6
@savealife: One day she will hopefully realize that he is bad news. I think deep down she knows it, and it may only be a matter of time before they stay broken up.
My ex and I were on/off. Not quite as much as the couple you describe, but we basically had 5 years of this crap. I thought I loved him and could never love anyone else… I felt like I had invested too much time to give up. I was very stubborn. Eventually I got sick of us breaking up (we even lived together at one point) and just said screw it. Took a long time, but it happened.
One thing that really helped me was when a friend gave me the book “He’s Not That Into You”. It really hit home for me. Pretty much every page says (in a different way) STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM. Silly as it sounds, that book perhaps gave me that final little push to cut him out of my life for good. I then remained single for over a year before I got together with my SO (much healthier relationship!).
Post # 7
@savealife: She’ll have to come around on her own to figure out what a stupid situation this is but in the meantime I would focus your conversations on her, and what she wants out of life, love and relationships (and make sure it’s about HER and she’s not tying this to anyone else). Hopefully she’ll say she wants to be loved, trusted, secure, etc.. then ask her if this is how she feels right now (make sure she is focusing on the reality of her situation, and not the potential). Hopefully laying it out like that might help her to realize that this guy is not going to help her get what she wants out of life.