Post # 1
Okay, so I know I’ve been hanging all of my dirty laundry out to dry on wedding bee for the last few weeks and I apologize for all of my complaining and negativity. I am trying to stay optimistic throughout this horrid process.
I don’t know how to attach links, so if you don’t know the back story I apologize. Here’s the gist… my parents offered to give us a lump sum towards the wedding to “spend it how you (we) choose… anything left over you (we) can put toward a house”.
Ever since offering to pay for the wedding, they have attached all sorts of strings to this purse and it is literally making me insane! They were ready to write a check as soon as they saw the place they fell in love with for me. But the place I fell in love with (and can’t afford right now without their help)… they are shuffling their feet. I have tried and tried to be polite, while standing my ground. Expressing how stressed out and paranoid I am about losing the date, assuring them that I am doing all the necessary research to be sure that I am getting the best deal without stretching my budget, etc etc. My mother has poured on the guilt trip, telling me that I am putting down my hometown by wanting to get married where I live now (a whopping 1.5 hours away). It’s been nothing but snarkiness and she refuses to talk to me on the phone, and will only email. I have offered to not take their money so that I can spend it how I choose. I told them that I would prefer to not take it if there were all these stipulations but it’s just getting worse.
Er-go… I received a copy of the contract for the venu last night and forwarded it with a note stating that I want and value their opinions and that I am extremely grateful for their generosity. I got an email back this afternoon with:
“your mother and i will look over this contract tonight and get back to you in a day or two”
Honestly, I am losing my freaking mind! I can’t/won’t do anything else until I have my venue!!
Post # 3
The absolute best decision that my FI and I made regarding our wedding was that we were going to make the decisions. We would review and sign the contracts – we would be responsible for the payments, etc. Yes, my parents are helping (some) financially, but from the beginning we didn’t allow what they said to change our minds. My mom writes checks to me and then I use the money accordingly. I still take their opinion into consideration, but at the end of the day my FI and I are the ones making the decision. (For example, my mom saw the ceremony/reception venue but I saw no reason why she should see the contract. The contract is between myself, my FI, and the venue.)
These are just my opinions….
- Your parents need to trust your judgment.
- Part of an engagement period is for you and your FI to start to make more (bigger) decisions together. Planning a wedding helps you to figure out if there are any areas that you need to work on before you begin your marriage (finances, compromising, etc).
Post # 4
That is honestly the best advice I think I’ve gotten from anyone. And you make a very good point. I feel like my parents are using the money as a form of control, as opposed to as a monetary gift. It’s very frustrating and I don’t know how to tell them to back off without coming off as a huge bitch.
Post # 5
As long as you parents are giving money, no matter what they say, it is a form of control.
Another route is to start planning the wedding without your parent’s money. If you have certain things you MUST have, Like having the wedding where you live now, you may lose the venue. But it becomes easier to put your foot down and let their influence roll off your back. Your situation becomes: I am an adult capable of handling this 100% my way, but with your help and your generous gift, I can have a nicer wedding.
Plus, if they decide not to give you the money, you are still planning a wedding you want. If you can’t/won’t do it without their money, then you’re probably stuck negotiating for what you want since it is ultimately up to them to loosen the purse strings. Good luck!
Post # 6
Can you go without the money? Cuz, seriously, that is the best decision I ever made. Otherwise I probably would’ve gone crazy cuz money DOES come with strings. You have to get used to it. It sucks big time.
Post # 7
Ahhh. I remember your story well. I believe the on your original post I said something to the effect of not allowing your parents to be involved in much of the deicion making or details of the wedding… that after you and FI make a decision you can tell them about after the fact.
Basically you should try sticking with the same thing. My mom was being rather controlling such as your parents were right from the get go which was not flying with me at all. After my mother flipped out and insulted me I decided then and there that it’d be best to leave her out of the process in general. By doing that it asserted myself and FI to make sound judgements and mom backed off. If I hadn’t done this from the get go my whole wedding planning experience would be a whole lot different that it has been so far.
Mind you, my parents are paying for my half of the budget (FI and I are splitting 50/50) so it would seem that my parents should have more control over the decisions. Setting boundaries from the beginning is important. My parents have paid for my dress and will still be contributing toward my half of the wedding.
Another thing we did was to let our parents take over other things that were important. For instance, FI’s mom and dad are handling the invitations. FMIL is an artist and sketched our invitations out for us according to the ideas we gave them. Granted, she still had creative control and FFIL touched up the sketches and printed the invites for us.
Can you and FI afford the deposit on the venue yourselves? I suggest you guys pay for the deposit to garauntee the place. That way things are set in stone and it sets the tempo for getting the wedding you want. You’ll parents will still contribute afterward but you can show them, “hey we can handle this wedding”.
Post # 8
Honestly, if you accept their money, you accept their strings. If you can’t afford the same things if you were to pay for the wedding yourselves, just have a smaller, more intimate wedding. It sucks that you have to deal with this, and I do agree that they are being necessarily snarky but it is their money which means they can have strings…
If you do decide to go the smaller route in order to forgo the strings and stipulations and they complain about not having a big, fancy wedding. Tell them that you are having a wedding that you can afford with the things that you and your FI find important.
I hope it works out for you!