Establishing Boundaries w/ Mom

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: How Often Do You Speak w/ Your Mom
    Daily : (18 votes)
    22 %
    Multiple Times a Week : (29 votes)
    36 %
    Once Weekly : (15 votes)
    19 %
    Multiple Times a Monthly : (14 votes)
    17 %
    Once Monthly : (2 votes)
    2 %
    Less Frequently Than Stated Above : (2 votes)
    2 %
    Other (Explain) : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    5450 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    j9marie :  You are EXACTLY right. I had to figure that out as an adult, too, and also mourn the fact she’s not your average, involved, caring mom as you expect a mom to be. It’s VERY difficult. Good luck!

    Post # 17
    Member
    455 posts
    Helper bee

    I think, if a relationship is unhealthy, it needs to be managed as much as possible to lessen the negative impact in your life. It sucks when it’s your mother, but it has to be done. So I would personally focus less on ‘normal’ and more ‘what is healthy’ for you.

    To answer your question, though:

    My mom is a bit codependent (I live out of state) and we used to talk almost every day, but I’ve needed my space lately so I call her once a week or so.

    My husband has a great relationship with his mom, and calls her maybe once every few weeks. It works for them, and doesn’t reflect the quality of their relationship.

    Post # 18
    Member
    346 posts
    Helper bee

    j9marie :  I wish I had more of a relationship with my mom, but honestly, most of the time it is just too hard. My mom has been diagnosed with schizophrenia psychosis, we always knew she was a little crazy but we thought it just was her depression and her personality. She refuses to believe she actually has schizophrenia psychosis and therefore refuses any medication or to get disability (she has a tough time working because she legitimately thinks people are out to get her). She goes from hating me and my siblings to bragging about what great kids she has. She deleted us all from fb but then added back everyone but me, because they have kids that she wants to share pictures of and I’m just boring old me.

    So, my normal definitely isn’t normal, but now maybe you will feel a bit better about yours 🙂 

    Post # 19
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee

    I have an immedite family member with BDP. The book that helped me the most (and was recommended to me by a therapist) is called “Stop walking on Eggshells” by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. The book helps you establish boundaries, what scripts to use when talking to someone with BDP, and a little understanding of how they function.

    Best wishes!

    Post # 22
    Member
    7052 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I have a love/hate relationship with my mom. She raised me well and I never wanted for anything — for that I’ll always love her. And she was amazingly loving when I was little. But ever since I was a teenager, she’s had a tendency to tear me apart (about how I look, how I dress, what I eat, what I don’t eat, what I choose to do with my free time, how I decorate my home, etc.). Basically, if I do anything that she herself wouldn’t want to do, then I’m wrong. She also has extremely manipulative tendencies and guilt trips me like no other. So all that makes it really difficult to be around her.

    She lives about an hour away in traffic and I see her maybe once every 3 weeks. I text with her everyday, but only because our texting rarely brings out her criticisms the way spending several hours with her in person does.

    Post # 23
    Member
    9117 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    Oh man.  Poor thing.  For me, that’s WAY too much to talk to anyone besides possibly my spouse – and especially if she’s a really negative person.  How draining.  That’s way too much pressure to put on one’s child.

    My parents live 3.5 hours away from me but they usually spend half the year traveling and further away.  We talk on the phone probably ever 1.5-2 weeks, and exchange brief emails or texts a couple times a week.  I love them dearly and really enjoy seeing them in person too.  The frequency varies due to my busy work travel schedule and their enjoyment of retirement… we usually spend a few extended trips / holidays together per year, and I also see them probably every month or two for a day or two.

    Post # 24
    Member
    1378 posts
    Bumble bee

    j9marie :  My FIL is somewhat like this and DH sees a therapist and we’ve had to tell FIL when he gets all “no one loves me or cares about me”  that if he wants to talk like an adult I will be more than happy to have a conversation with him but if he’s going to get very innapropriate then we hang up and tell him we will talk to him later when he’s more in a frame of mind to have an adult conversation.

    Post # 26
    Member
    38 posts
    Newbee

    My mom has BPD. I talk to her on the phone once a week (otherwise, she gets upset and says I’m ignoring her). Like you, I worked with my therapist to establish boundaries. The most powerful thing that helped me was realizing I have the control in the relationship: if my mom ignores the boundaries I have set, I let her know I’m not talking to her until I’m no longer upset about the situation and she agrees to respect the boundaries going forward. After first setting boundaries over a year ago, we’ve only had a few blow ups; any time she crosses the line, I say, “If you want to have a relationship with me, this is how it has to be.” It has been a lifesaver for me, mentally and emotionally. I hope your therapist helps you and you’re able to have a healthier relationship with your mom.

    Post # 27
    Member
    1462 posts
    Bumble bee

    j9marie :  Me and my parents live in different states, so while I don’t get to see them as often as would like, we talk every day. I usually call my mom every day on my long drive home from work, and we chat for about 30  mins or so. On weekends, we sometimes talk for an hour or even two. My DH thinks it is too much, as he only talks to his famile 1 or 2 times every few weeks….but me and mom have been very close (we have our issues, but still) so for me that is normal. Most of my girlfriends talk to their moms once a day also (but it might also be that we are from different culture where family ties are very valued and importnant)

    Post # 29
    Member
    26 posts
    Newbee

    j9marie :  I said something along the lines of, “My therapist and I have been talking about boundaries and how they are important for my mental and emotional well-being. My following boundaries are A, B, and C. I need you to respect them in order for us to have a healthy relationship.” It helped to mention my therapist, because it was advice coming from a professional, not just my personal opinion.

    Post # 30
    Member
    2332 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I live across the country from my mom and we talk about every other day. It used to be a little less frequent but we started talking more during my pregnancy and now that I have a child. 

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