Post # 1
About a two years ago, I realized that I had spent the last 15 years in a one-sided relationsip with my best friend. The only time we ever talked or hung out was when I initiated contact. It isn’t a malicious behavior, it’s just who she is. She’s the kind of person to wait for people to come to her, and people always do so she was never prompted to change her ways.
I was her maid of honor last year, but I decided that after her wedding I would move on with my life. If she contacted me, cool, but I wasn’t going to contact her any more. Since then, I have seen and heard from her all of 3 times in the past 12 months.
Her birthday is coming up and her husband is putting together a dinner for her, but what gift to I give to a friend who has basically become estranged? I no longer know what her interests are. It took forever to think of a Christmas gift and I’m totally out of ideas.
I still want to give her something because she isn’t aware of my feelings. In her mind it’s just been a busy year for both of us and it just so happens that we haven’t spent much time together. She doesn’t know that I intentionally backed off. I think it will fizzle out completely in the next year or so, but until then I still feel obligated to get her at least a little something. But what?
Post # 2
Gift sets from Crabtree & Evelyn…Beauty/make up sets from Sephora or a good brand? These are the kind of generic gifts I would give a female friend.
Post # 3
Gift cards are always a good option too.
Post # 4
It seems dishonest to keep up the charade when you don’t want to be friends with her anymore. Why not just decline the invite?
Post # 5
I would just give a generic gift card. Like to the movies or something.
Post # 6
squirrelbun: First of all, that’s super passive aggressive of you. Instead of playing these weird games with yourself, why don’t you talk to her??? I don’t really think it’s fair of you, regardless of her behavior. Why aren’t you brave enough to have a convo about her bad-friend behavior?
As far as a gift, anything from Sephora is always appreciated with most girls.
Post # 7
I’m really confused…..if you know she isn’t being malicious, why wouldn’t you just talk to her? It seems ridiculous to throw away a 15 year friendship over something so trivial, particularly when you acknowledge that’s just how she is.
I agree with PP that you are acting extremely passive aggressive.
Post # 8
If you know she is not purposely being malicious I don’t understand why you would drop a friend of 15 years. I also don’t understand why you don’t just talk to her instead of playing games. If you don’t want to be friends anymore don’t go to her birthday party. It seems mean to ‘lead her on’ like this.
Post # 9
I agree with everyone else…you shouldn’t just drop her as a friend.
I’m the exact same way socially. I’m extremely bad with initiating contact, even though I love my friends. For me, I act this way out of insecurity. I went through a period when I was a kid where I didn’t have many friends, and it made me completely insecure with future friends. Even though I know it’s ridiculous, I don’t often plan to do things with my friends out of fear that no one wants to hang out with me, and they’ll say no. But when they reach out to me, I always say yes!
I’m not saying this is true for your friend, just saying that there are multiple reasons she acts like this. Not everyone knows how to act socially, and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you.
Post # 10
If you really have given up on the friendship then dont get her anything. Maybe that will help her wake up.
Post # 11
I still feel obligated to get her a little something because of the length of our relationship and even though I know it’s the best thing for my own emotional health to cut ties, it just feels weird to leave behind someone I’ve known for so long so part of me is hanging onto it out of habit.
But I guess you’re right – if I continue to draw out the whole process then it really is just passive aggressive behavior.
As a side note, I know my decision to do this seems trivial based on the information I provided, but there are a lot of details I just didn’t go into since I was originally asking for gift ideas. But it was the right decision for me in this situation. Thanks for helping me to see that I need to stop sending mixed messages.