Post # 1
So, the whole wedding planning process was really a shock to me at first, mostly because there were a lot of things I never had to think about.
Like certain aspects of etiquette.
Case in point: my family doesn’t have weddings often (I mean, the last generation did, but not this one). I’m the second oldest of my cousins, the first to get married, and it’s a pretty small family. So I never even went to a wedding until I was in my teens, and that first one was for a girl I worked with (who was a bit older than I was at the time).
I went to the shower and the wedding. And when I asked about gift giving, I was told that I could just bring my gift to the shower and that was sufficient.
So for a long time I went about to weddings and just gifted at the shower, but it would be a gift for the most I could afford to spend (I’ve been a student forever).
It never occurred to me that the answer I was given was wrong, so it took me a while to realize I should have brought gifts to shower AND wedding. And occassionally on the bee, I see brides mention people who failed to bring gifts and how rude those non-gift-givers are.
And I kinda want to go back to those few people and send them presents because I failed at etiquette.
Anyone else out there fail at etiquette in the past? Help me feel better!
Post # 3
Yep. Although I’m not sure if it was my bad or the bride’s. The first wedding I attended as an adult (I went to maybe 3 ceremonies as a young child) came addressed only to me. I RSVP’d for my FI too. Looking back, he probably technically wasn’t invited, but on the other hand, we were engaged and got engaged before the bride and her FI had so it wasn’t like she didn’t know.
I’ve always kind of felt bad about it even though I know it didn’t matter in the scheme of things – it was a nice fun wedding at a VFW hall so nothing big and fancy that he cost her a ton of money/screwed up the seating chart etc.
Post # 4
I really think Gift giving Etiquette is ridiculous 🙂 Honestly for those brides that think the guests are rude for not bringing a gift to both the shower AND wedding, they are actually being the rude ones here. Im not inviting people to my wedding for gifts, i want them to be there for our big day not so I can get something out of it.
@hisgoosiegirl: This is different, I also did this, The invite was addressed to my FI and his dad and we marked it for three, ooppps, but it is going to happen, so no big deal 🙂 I talked to the bride afterwards she wasnt upset about it (at least she said she was upset)
Post # 5
I’m the same way as you. I’m the first one of the current generation to get married. My dad’s youngest half-sister, who is only four years older than me, is the only family wedding I’ve been invited to as an adult. Well, I say “adult,” but what I mean is that I was a ninteen-year-old sophomore in college. Her wedding was right before finals week, and I freaked out on the phone to my parents about how I would never have time to do everything I had to do. They told me it was no big deal if I just didn’t show up at the wedding (I would have had to fly across the country to get there), and my aunt wouldn’t even notice. They had already RSVP’d yes on my account. I don’t think they told her I wasn’t going to come, though it was probably too late for her to get any of her money back, anyway. :-
Two years ago, I flew back to the US (I was living in Japan at the time) for my very oldest friend’s wedding. We have known each other since we were six months old, and we were best friends growing up. My parents stressed over and over and over again how I needed to get a really special present for her, and something off the registry just wouldn’t cut it. I finally made a set of eight bowls and mugs for her (I’m a pretty decent potter). I had no clue if they matched anything they wanted, but that’s what I did. I now feel really guilty for it because I’ve seen so many other people here get upset about getting things like that. I really hoped my friend and her husband liked them. :- She’s going to be my bridesmaid, though, so she obviously still likes me!
Post # 6
No one else has recently realized their previous terrible etiquette? We can’t be the only ones. Share your guilt!
Post # 7
I committed a pretty major faux pas, in my opinion, when one of my third cousins (daughter of my dad’s cousin) got married. They had invited my parents, my siblings, and me. I had been with my SO (my current FI) for a couple years, but he was not mentioned on the invite. Well, my brother couldn’t make it because he was going to be at boot camp, so one day my mom and I asked the bride’s mom (my dad’s cousin) if I could bring my SO instead since my brother couldn’t make it. The mom – who is seriously one of the loveliest, nicest people you will ever meet – graciously said, “Of course,” so I took my SO. And the following year when their second daughter got married she told me I should of course bring my SO to that wedding.
I know technically all people in relationships should be given a plus one when invited, so some might say the error was on the part of the host, but to this day I still feel so bad for asking – especially now being a bride and knowing what a pain it is trying to plan and control a guest list. My current self wants to go back and kick my own ass for being so rude. I even feel like I need to “make it up” to them, even though realistically they probably don’t even remember (it was about 4 years ago). My dad’s cousins, and their daughters with their hubbies, will all be invited to my wedding, but they each have a few little kids now, and I’m hoping there is no issue with the fact that the kiddos aren’t invited, because I will feel really bad if I have to say no to them.
ETA – GreenEeyedMoon, I don’t think you should feel guilty for the handmade bowls and mugs! Handmade gifts are lovely and thoughtful – who cares if they don’t match the rest of their dining sets? I’d be over the moon about a gift like that from an old friend, because it’s so meaningful. 🙂
Post # 8
I was a junior bridesmaid in my older sister’s wedding 10 years ago, and I didn’t realize that bridesmaids had to actually DO anything. I mean, I was only 14 but in hindsight I wish I would have helped more with everything. At my first non-family wedding as an adult, I didn’t bring a gift, and I probably dressed too casually (nice pants and a cotton top)… but it was also a 2PM ceremony with no meal served, so maybe not. Since then, I’ve been to 4 more friends’ showers and weddings, been a bridesmaid, and gotten engaged, so now I feel like I know how it ‘should be’, and I try to be on top of the gift giving, attire, etc.
Post # 9
Hm, I guess this is one of the advantages of getting married young. I’ve only been to 3 weddings since I was about 12 (I cn’t remember ever having bad etiquette as a child but you never know, haha). Two of them were this summer, and I’ve been wedding planning since January so I was pretty conscious of all the etiquette and events. The other one was a family thing, and since I was 18 I was just included with my parents, and I didn’t bring my SO. So I guess I’m set for etiquette in the future 🙂 Until it changes and I don’t realize it, lol.
Post # 10
OK well I can think of 2 things:
1) Last year FH got invited to an OOT wedding (ie he had to take a plane) and the invite was just addressed to him. We were not engaged yet but living together. He called the groom (a good friend from college) and made up a lame story about how the envelope got smudged and he couldn’t tell if I was invited or not so he asked if I was invited and the guy said OK. Now that I have been on this site for about 2 months I see the horrors involved with what we did…
2) When I was still in college my aunt was getting married and I specifically asked if she would send me my own invitation for me and my current BF, so she did. I RSVP’d yes for both of us. The wedding weekend came and me and the BF were prepared for the 6 hour drive (was in school in Pittsburgh) but then he backed out at the last minute for some lame reason I can’t remember. I was going to drive there myself but then it was raining and BF convinced me to call my parents and tell them I wasn’t going. So I was a no-show. Then I never sent a gift either.
So….I think those 2 are pretty bad!
Post # 11
@GreenGables: Thank you. I still feel bad, but that makes me feel a bit better. 🙂
@confettiegg2000: I think you’re off the hook for not helping with your sister’s wedding. I honestly do not think that anyone can realistically expect a fourteen-year-old to help with wedding planning, not even for a close sibling. Young teens are just way too caught up in the drama of their own lives to realize or care about the existence of a world outside of themselves.
I’m also definitely guilty of being too casually dressed before.
Post # 12
Thanks for sharing bees!
@GreenEyedMoon: I think the bowls/mugs was a lovely idea! This makes me think of my FI – our best friends got married almost 5 years ago (we were dating then) and we both were at the wedding but had planned to do separate gifts. He never got them anything. The other day, one of them mentioned something they could use in their new house, and he was like.. “Oh! I should get them that for their wedding!” *headdesk*
Anyone else out there want to join the Etiquette Confessional?
Post # 13
I got invited to a friend’s wedding when I was a sophomore in HS (she was a few years older). I’d never been invited to a wedding myself before; all previous weddings had been family. And I was young, so I didn’t get the importance of RSVPing to things. I think I was pretty lax on responding to both the shower and wedding invites. In retrospect, I feel bad about it. But I truly had no idea how it worked.
Post # 14
Totally guilty of not realizing you had to bring gifts to both the shower AND wedding! I always brought gifts for shower and nothing for wedding. I feel terrible in hindsight that I gave nothing to a few of my friends that got married when we were still young but at the very least I always did good on their shower. Whoops!
Post # 15
Wedding etiquette (especially gift etiquette!) makes me roll my eyes so hard. So much of this stuff is just pointless! That said, I don’t think I’ve ever broken any wedding etiquette – probably because I’ve always just trooped along with my parents.
Post # 16
I’m so happy this thread has been revived. 😀