Post # 1
- Wedding: July 2015 - Castle
I had a question for you all about an issue in my family. Here is the story. I grew up on Australia’s east cost. My dads family live on the west coast.
My cousin got engaged while I was still living in the east. A few months after that I met my FI and moved to the west coast, to the town my dads family lives in.
After a few months of living together the invitations for the wedding went out. I was included on an invitation addressed to my mother, stepfather, brother and I which was obviously sent back east. My dad got a seperate invitation. My mother thought this was a bit odd since I hadn’t been living at home for awhile and clearly lived with my FI (although not engaged at the time). She rang my aunt to ask if this was right, which it was.
My stepdad, not being at all related to this side of my family, was not interested in going. My brother had work comitments and couldn’t get the time off. My mum and dad were keen to go because it would also be a chance to come see me. Now the wedding was not in my town, but a 5 hour drive away. So my mum asked my aunt if maybe we could bring my FI along in place of both my stepdad and brother? I’m not sure if this was rude to ask? In any case the message was passed to my cousin, who simply replied with an SMS to my mum saying, No he can’t come.
Of course this ruffled my parents feathers, as they expected a live in partner should have been invited in the first place. It seemed to them that not allowing a substitution indicated that none of us were in fact wanted, and were only invited as a courtesy and never expected to attend. In fact had I not moved west we probably would all have RSVP’d no. In any case none of us attended her wedding, but it certainly left some ill feelings, no doubt on both sides.
Now I am planning my wedding, which will be held back east. Now I am dealing with the issue of courtesy invites. To be honest I can understand my cousin not really wanting us there, we grew up on opposite sides of a continent so are not close, and seats are at a premium at a wedding. I don’t intend to invite this cousin and her husband, nor several other family members I don’t see. I don’t want to issue any courtesy invitations really hoping they will say no. Do you think I am doing the right thing?
Post # 2
First off couples who are married,engaged, or living together need to be invited together. Second if I was planning a wedding I would defently invite my cousins SOs Since they could be my family one day. if you decide to invite parts of the family then I suggest inviting by tiers ie invite all cousins or no cousins. Same with aunts and uncles. It saves hurt feelings.
Post # 3
I agree with inviting in tiers. It makes it easier to cut down the list if needed without picking and choosing. Cousins you are not close to will probably decline.
I’m somewhat in the same boat, in terms of inviting cousins who live on opposite sides of the country. There is one set that I really have not seen in years and even then only sporadically. I’m inviting all my cousins, so they are included, but I not really expecting them to come.
It doesn’t sound like you are really close to your cousin. It’s unfortunate that your FI is not invited.
Post # 4
Serket84: I have lots of cousins, most of whom are much older than me or didn’t live close. I invited a grand total of one of them to our wedding that I had a lot to do with growing up and still see now. I wasn’t about to invite the whole tier because no doubt most of them would have come along for a free feed! No one was however offended because they would not have expected an invitation just as I did not expect an invitation to theirs.
And it was rude of your cousin not to invite your FI when he was your SO anyway.
Post # 5
Serket84: Yes, I believe that you are doing the right thing but not sending a courtesey invite. It really has nothing to do with the prior situation with your family and it’s not for spite (right?). If you actually don’t want someone at your wedding, don’t send them an invite. Nothing wrong with that at all.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2015 - Castle
cbgg: I was initially planning to invite all my cousins, but the reality is I’ve only really met them each a handful of times in my life. I am considering inviting 1 cousin and her husband, but thats because they actually stay in contact with my dad and have met up with us each time they came over east when I lived back home. I’m afraid if I do invite them though the other will think I am deliberately slighting her due to the aforementioned.
Post # 7
Serket84: I wouldn’t worry too much about them thinking it’s a deliberate slight – especailly since it’s not. And even if they do think it’s a slight, will it really effect them? You hardly know each other, it shouldn’t be a big deal.
Post # 8
First your FI should have been invited if you were invited. SOs (regardless of the length of the relationship) should be included.
Second I have many cousins who live across the country (Canada) who I am not inviting. I’m not even inviting all my local cousins. All of my cousins are older than me and some are much older than me. I’m only including ones that I have an actual relationship with and not sending an invite just because they are my cousin. My mother is fully supportive of this (my father is long passed away). There is always a chance if you invite someone that they will actually come whether you want them there or not.
Post # 9
just because you were invited to their wedding, doesn’t mean they have to be invited to yours.
when DH and I were still dating, we were invited to his cousin’s 250 person wedding.
our wedding was 120 people and these people didn’t make the cut. the parents of that cousin weren’t invited either.
so i would say, no don’t invite them, you don’t have to.