Post # 1
Hello! I had a question that I’m kind of struggling with. How do we respectfully ask for money in lieu of gifts?
First, let me start out by saying we’re not expecting ANYTHING from ANYONE. We are totally not that kind of couple.
A little background: My fiance and I are getting married 3 days before our 6th anniversary. We’ve owned our home for 2 years now and lived together for a total of 5 years so we pretty much have all the household items we need. We’re hesitant to register because we don’t really need or even want anything that you would normally give a newly married couple. So we were thinking of just asking those who insist on giving us anything to just give us the money instead of a gift. I know that sounds really terrible, which is why we’re having trouble spreading the word to our invitees.
What is the proper etiquette in this instance? Do we say something on our invitations? Do we just tell people when they ask where we’re registered? Do we say anything at all?? And if we do, what should we say? I don’t want to come off as selfish or tasteless for asking for money in lieu of presents so I’m leaning towards not saying anything at all and just having like a card box at the reception for people to leave money if they’d like.
Post # 3
@KimmieAnn: If you don’t want/need physical gifts, don’t register for physical gifts.
If people ask, just tell them ” We have all the things we need.” Full stop.
People who still want to give you a gift will either choose a physical gift of their choice, cash, cheque or gift card.
Post # 4
I’m sorry, but IN MY OPINION, there is no nice way of going about that. It’s tacky. Towels don’t last forever, you could register for that. Dish racks get grimy with time.. Sheets & bedding certainly need to be discarded at some point.
My point… There are PLENTY of things you can register for.
Post # 5
I completely disagree that this is tacky 🙁 I don’t think it is at all!!!
First of all, it depends what you’re used to, culturally. Personally, I am completely accumstomed to monetary gifts being the norm. It’s the default gift where I’m from. But I have the same problem: how to word this so as not to rub people the wrong way who are not from my background.
What my friend did was a great idea – they registered on this website called Honeyfund, where people could give monetary gifts to go towards their honeymoon! I thought that was great; people still feel like the money is going somewhere tangible, then.
Post # 6
I think you’re still far enough away from your wedding date that people wouldn’t expect you to be registered anywhere yet. Have people been asking?
Post # 7
@KimmieAnn: The proper manner in which to handle this situation is to not have a gift registry and to not make any mention whatsoever about gifts. If someone specifically asks you (or someone close to you) what you would like as a gift, Julies1949 has offered the correct response — just say that you really have everything you need for your home together.
However, as someone who did not get married until I was in my 40s, I also agree with @Rubbs:. It would be wise to think of all of the things that you may need in the future for which you could register now, including any formal china, flatware, crystal, etc. and any replacement sheets, towels, and other items that you’ll need to replace in several years. I had several sets of dishes, but I chose to register for an elegant set of white, silver-rimmed, rather-plain-looking, bone china to use for the holidays, since all of my other dishes have nore spring/summer-like floral patterns on them.
Post # 8
For some reason, when we tell people we’re getting married, EVERYONE has been asking where we plan on registering!! (We always answer nonchalantly with an “Oh, we don’t know yet!! Hahaha) That’s the only reason why I ask. I do like they Honeyfund idea a lot. That’s actually really cool!!
My only issue with registering for bed sheets, etc. is we aren’t in need of any and we’re more like they “essentials only” type couple. If we need it, we’ll get it and if we don’t have a need for it, we’re not going to waste space housing it. If that makes any sense.
Thank you for all the responses!! 🙂
Post # 9
@KimmieAnn: I am completely in the minority but I don’t think it’s tacky either. I’m sorry but registering for things you already have means you’ll just have a bunch of boxes in your home of stuff you don’t use.
I have heard of people using cute poems to spread the message that they would really appreciate a monetary gift. I would not be offended if it were included in the invitation, posted on your website, or emailed separately (or all of the above). You have to determine your guest list to figure if any would be offended (I think it’s weird if they are, but that’s me. I’d rather someone use the $50 I can spare versus throwing away or donating those hand towels that don’t match their decor.)
Here’s one I liked:
More than just kisses so far we’ve shared,
Our home has been made with love and care,
Most things we need we’ve already got,
And in our home we can’t fit a lot!
A wishing well we thought would be great,
(But only if you wish to participate),
A gift of money is placed in the well,
Then make a wish but shhh don’t tell!
Once we’ve replaced the old with the new,
We can look back and say it was thanks to you!
And in return for your kindness, we’re sure,
That one day soon you will get what you wished for.
Please don’t be offended at this type of request,
As our day is complete having you as our guest.
Post # 10
We didn’t register- we just made no mention of a registry. A few people asked and I just told them the truth! We didn’t end up with any crazy useless gifts, people understood. We got one Tiffany vase, which I didn’t have a problem with ; ) Seriously, it didn’t cause any drama at all.
Post # 11
@KimmieAnn: If there is one thing I have learned from weddingbee about registries it’s no matter what you do, someone will think it is tacky. My best advice is to not register. Tell your parents and BFF’s that if anyone asks to tell them that you really don’t need anything but you are saving up for “insert item here.”
That way, you don’t look like you are standing there with your hand out but it is obvious that cash is the preferred gift.
We did a Honeyfund but ended up closing it when I got a reeming here on the Bee and FI felt like maybe it was tacky so we settled on closing it.
Post # 12
don’t register. those that want to give gifts will give gifts, those that want to give cash/check will do so.
but you are more likely to get cash.
Post # 13
There’s no need to register if you don’t want anything, but you don’t need to announce the fact that you didn’t register, or that you’d rather have money. If there is only a tiny registry or no registry, most people will get the hint.
ETA: BUT, if someone is going to throw you a shower, either make a small registry just for the shower (like a cookbook one on Amazon), or decline the shower. Since the point is to “shower” the Bride-to-be with gifts, people will want to buy you physical things for that.
Post # 14
@MrsPBandJ: Wow that is an awesome poem. I think I might have to just steal it!!
Post # 15
DH and I were made to register by my MIL (long story) but we ended up putting only 20 items on the list. We didn’t want to register because, like you, we are an “essentials only”, very minimal couple who gets everything they need themselves.
I also come from a background where a cash gift is default, so whatever it is, I don’t think not registering is tacky. I don’t see how that is tacky. Asking for money flat out is tacky.
Post # 16
@KimmieAnn: Please don’t use that poem. I try never to use the word “tacky” but I’m really struggling here.