Post # 1
Hi everyone! I would love to get some opinions from the experts on a sensitive issue. Is it ok for me to feel upset by this situation:
This couple I know is getting married next week. I am not super close to them, they are more my fiance’s friends, though we have all hung out together (brunch, dinner, etc) on several occasions. They invited my fiancé and me to their wedding months ago and of course we RSVPed yes. Yesterday the bride announced that due to costs, they had to uninvite people and decided to draw the line at “only married couples”. So I (and all the other plus ones) am off the list.
am I allowed to feel hurt? i don’t think plus ones are a right. I think it is generous and gracious when the couple invites them, but if in the first place the invite had just gone to my fiance, I would have been ok with it. I understand about budgets. But to be invited and then uninvited feels unnecessarily hurtful. and the week before? By then people have bought travel tickets, sent presents, arranged for childcare, etc.
i searched online to see what others thought but the closest match seems to be people hurt by getting STDs but not formal invites, and to me this seems like a similar offense. Does anyone have any thoughts?
i just feel if this were any other kind of social occasion – a dinner party or whatever – disinviting people would be considered mean. does this happen often? She gave the news like it was nothing.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta
OMG that is awful! Of course if you have budget/space limitations don’t invite them in the first place! I wouldn’t worry about it too much, it makes them look ridiculous and everyone knows it. But yes, beyong the worst etiquette.
Post # 4
That was extremely ride of the couple and no, it’s not common at all.
Post # 5
That’s completely unacceptable behavior on their part. Not being able to afford a large wedding is understandable, but it is expected that the bride and groom will budget for the number of people they plan to invite. What is your fiance going to do about this? It sounds like you’ll probably just have to let it go, but they are definitely not going to be making or keeping any friends by doing this.
Post # 7
Super rude/tacky/offensive! I wouldn’t bother to keep people like that in my life. Of all the way to cut costs last minute, univiting people shouldn’t even be an option. I’d be curious to see how many friends they lose because of their deplorable behavior.
Post # 8
@Coffeeholic: that is ridiculous. Also you guys are getting married in a month so to me even if they did that with some “plus ones” you should not have been one of them!
Post # 9
@Coffeeholic: Very rude. I would have FI change his response to a no, and save them the costs of both of your dinners. I would also re-evaluate my relationship with them, and whether or not that was the sort of person I wanted to be friends with.
Per rules of etiquette a social unit (married, engaged, and living together couples) must be invited together. Though if they were planning on doing differently, the time to do that is before the invitation are sent.
Post # 10
Uninviting someone is rude, period. She should have handled her organization better, to avoid this problem. Yes, you have every right to be upset about it – but be the bigger person anyway…
Post # 11
Hi @Coffeeholic: As I see this is your DEBUT Post on WBee… first let me say Welcome to “the Hive”
I am a bit of an Etiquette Snob here on WBee (lol, in that I tend to know too much about the subject for my own good)
YES what was done to you guys AFTER the Invites were sent is RUDE
And would only be ok if there were extreme extenuating circumstances (ie the original venue burned down) or the person who was Hosting Paying for the Wedding lost their job etc.
And then, as a Guest it would be “gracious” to accept the change of plans with no hard feelings.
More than likely these faux pas happen due to lack of planning by the B&G / Hosts
And that is NO EXCUSE
This is specifically WHY I tell Brides who come on WBee to talk Save The Dates (STDs) that BEFORE they get them printed or figure out who to send them to that they have done ALL of the following:
- Picked a Date
- Figured out a Budget
- Crunched their Guest List
- Found & Booked a Venue that fits that OVERALL Budget
If all 4 haven’t been done… then there is a HUGE chance to discovering that the Wedding one has in their head… isn’t going to be the one that matches their bank accounts. And then there will be much disappointment.
More so if you’ve told someone to “Save The Date”… and later discover you cannot afford to invite them at all.
I am sorry you’ve found yourself on the wrong end of this stick…
Just take a well learned lesson away from the situation, so as to make sure it doesn’t happen to you guys when the time is right.
Hope this helps,
PS… This is WHY I am not a fan of this newest money making Wedding Stationery item… STDs have replaced the once upon a time Engagement Announcement in the local Newspaper… when there was no expectation of an Invite to Follow. It was just a way to spread good news. I’d like to see more Brides2B thinking in that way, and not being so seduced by the pretty pictures & paper that make a lot of money for those who provide them.
Post # 12
You absolutely can feel hurt by this as it was rude. You shouldn’t be considered a ‘plus one’ in the first place – the two of you are engaged and spent time with the couple on several occasions. I’m embarrased for them…
Post # 13
OMG thank you so much everyone for all the responses! It is really kind of you to take the time to respond and I really appreciate the validation. It was one of those things that “felt” mean but then the normal rules don’t always apply to weddings, so part of me worried that I was being too sensitive. I also was too embarassed to talk to my friends about it because it felt kind of humiliating/childish to be uninvited.
So, just, a big thank you to everyone for the thorough and supportive feedback. This is my first time posting though I’ve lurked for a while (usually I find all the answers to my questions by just searching the board, this was just the first issue where I came up empty. Lucky me for being the first!). I can’t thank you all enough.
I’ll try to take your advice and try to just let it go. It feels too late for my fiance to back out so I guess he’ll go and I’ll find something else to do that day. (Funnily, I don’t think he “got” while I was hurt at first. He saw my face fall and then he said, “oh, but it’s nothing personal because it’s everybody’s significant other. It’s not just you, so you don’t need to feel bad.” I have to laugh a little because that’s so…him. Logic first, emotion second.)
On the bright side, at least I’m not out for any travel costs because I live within driving distance and I’m not out any childcare costs, because it was my aunt & uncle that were going to babysit. I’m worried it might be awkward when I see this couple again, especially if we see them before our wedding, but what can you do. And yes, I have definitely learned a lesson about invites and will never do anything like this to anybody…I know how it feels!!!
Post # 14
You can feel hurt but my first thought is that poor couple! Imagine how desperate they must be to make such a drastic decision! We are all brides trying our very best to have the day of our dreams with in the guidelines life has set for us. Many of us have had to make tough decisions that we would like to have done differently but just weren’t able to. I think, instead of feeling hurt, try to feel a little compassion for this couple and their tough decisions.
Post # 15
I’m afraid I find it hard to feel compassion in the face of this quite astonishing rudeness. I’m not someone who blindly obeys what can often be outdated rules of etiquette but by heck, disinviting people remains an absolutely caddish thing to do. In other words, it simply ISN’T done!
Instead, if you are on a budget – and this applies to most of us – you cut your costs accordingly. So you work out what you can afford and compile the guest list accordingly. You do not send out invitations, wait for RSVPs and then decide that actually, you’ve got the sums wrong (or would prefer not to spend as much money) and thus arbitrarily withdraw invitations.
People are perfectly accepting of cost considerations and will not be mortally wounded if a line has to be drawn so far as + 1s are concerned. But they won’t, (and shouldn’t be expected) to be anywhere near as reasonable when an event that they’d been invited to is pulled from under their feet.
Post # 16
@Coffeeholic: Very rude. First, once you are invited, it is horribly rude to uninvite someone. Period. Second, you have to invite all couples who are engaged or living together. It is social rules. Honestly, my now DH would not have been going to that wedding without me. It is just horribly rude.