Etiquette help – disinvited? Uninvited?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
975 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta

OMG that is awful! Of course if you have budget/space limitations don’t invite them in the first place! I wouldn’t worry about it too much, it makes them look ridiculous and everyone knows it. But yes, beyong the worst etiquette. 

Post # 4
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Pixienickie: +1

 

That was extremely ride of the couple and no, it’s not common at all. 

Post # 5
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

That’s completely unacceptable behavior on their part.  Not being able to afford a large wedding is understandable, but it is expected that the bride and groom will budget for the number of people they plan to invite. What is your fiance going to do about this?  It sounds like you’ll probably just have to let it go, but they are definitely not going to be making or keeping any friends by doing this.

Post # 7
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Super rude/tacky/offensive! I wouldn’t bother to keep people like that in my life. Of all the way to cut costs last minute, univiting people shouldn’t even be an option. I’d be curious to see how many friends they lose because of their deplorable behavior. 

Post # 8
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Coffeeholic:  that is ridiculous. Also you guys are getting married in a month so to me even if they did that with some “plus ones” you should not have been one of them! 

Post # 9
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee

@Coffeeholic:  Very rude.  I would have FI change his response to a no, and save them the costs of both of your dinners.  I would also re-evaluate my relationship with them, and whether or not that was the sort of person I wanted to be friends with.

Per rules of etiquette a social unit (married, engaged, and living together couples) must be invited together.  Though if they were planning on doing differently, the time to do that is before the invitation are sent.

Post # 10
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Uninviting someone is rude, period. She should have handled her organization better, to avoid this problem. Yes, you have every right to be upset about it – but be the bigger person anyway…

Post # 11
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @Coffeeholic: As I see this is your DEBUT Post on WBee… first let me say Welcome to “the Hive”

I am a bit of an Etiquette Snob here on WBee (lol, in that I tend to know too much about the subject for my own good)

YES what was done to you guys AFTER the Invites were sent is RUDE

And would only be ok if there were extreme extenuating circumstances (ie the original venue burned down) or the person who was Hosting Paying for the Wedding lost their job etc.

And then, as a Guest it would be “gracious” to accept the change of plans with no hard feelings.

More than likely these faux pas happen due to lack of planning by the B&G / Hosts

And that is NO EXCUSE

This is specifically WHY I tell Brides who come on WBee to talk Save The Dates (STDs) that BEFORE they get them printed or figure out who to send them to that they have done ALL of the following:

  • Picked a Date
  • Figured out a Budget
  • Crunched their Guest List
  • Found & Booked a Venue that fits that OVERALL Budget

If all 4 haven’t been done… then there is a HUGE chance to discovering that the Wedding one has in their head… isn’t going to be the one that matches their bank accounts.  And then there will be much disappointment.

More so if you’ve told someone to “Save The Date”… and later discover you cannot afford to invite them at all.

I am sorry you’ve found yourself on the wrong end of this stick…

Just take a well learned lesson away from the situation, so as to make sure it doesn’t happen to you guys when the time is right.

Hope this helps,

PS… This is WHY I am not a fan of this newest money making Wedding Stationery item… STDs have replaced the once upon a time Engagement Announcement in the local Newspaper… when there was no expectation of an Invite to Follow.  It was just a way to spread good news.  I’d like to see more Brides2B thinking in that way, and not being so seduced by the pretty pictures & paper that make a lot of money for those who provide them.

 

Post # 12
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You absolutely can feel hurt by this as it was rude. You shouldn’t be considered a ‘plus one’ in the first place – the two of you are engaged and spent time with the couple on several occasions. I’m embarrased for them…

Post # 14
Member
873 posts
Busy bee

You can feel hurt but my first thought is that poor couple! Imagine how desperate they must be to make such a drastic decision! We are all brides trying our very best to have the day of our dreams with in the guidelines life has set for us. Many of us have had to make tough decisions that we would like to have done differently but just weren’t able to. I think, instead of feeling hurt, try to feel a little compassion for this couple and their tough decisions.

Post # 15
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m afraid I find it hard to feel compassion in the face of this quite astonishing rudeness. I’m not someone who blindly obeys what can often be outdated rules of etiquette but by heck, disinviting people remains an absolutely caddish thing to do. In other words, it simply ISN’T done!

Instead, if you are on a budget – and this applies to most of us – you cut your costs accordingly. So you work out what you can afford and compile the guest list accordingly. You do not send out invitations, wait for RSVPs and then decide that actually, you’ve got the sums wrong (or would prefer not to spend as much money) and thus arbitrarily withdraw invitations.

People are perfectly accepting of cost considerations and will not be mortally wounded if a line has to be drawn so far as + 1s are concerned. But they won’t, (and shouldn’t be expected) to be anywhere near as reasonable when an event that they’d been invited to is pulled from under their feet.

Post # 16
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Coffeeholic:  Very rude. First, once you are invited, it is horribly rude to uninvite someone. Period. Second, you have to invite all couples who are engaged or living together. It is social rules. Honestly, my now DH would not have been going to that wedding without me. It is just horribly rude.

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