Etiquette question

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
11712 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think this gets touchy when you are, or would, allow some kids and not others. Usually, in this case, it’s a blanket “no kids” rule that you can stick out.  Did you invite the kids in the original invite?  I.e, was the invitation addressed to “The Smith Family” or “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith” ? 

If you said the family, you’re stuck with the kids, since you did invite them, regardless of your not knowing how many kids there were.  If you just said Mr. and Mrs, you can point out that the invitation was only for her and her husband, and you regret that you cannot accomodate the children.

Post # 4
Member
11712 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Well, then you can call her and tell her that only she and her husband were invited.  However, if there are other children there, she may question that at the actual event, because it looks like favoritism.

Post # 5
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Sweetnsassy:  There is nothing tactful about what you are trying to do.  So I would suggest not doing it unless you are completely OK with looking like a jerk.

I had a situation extremely similar to yours.

My MIL’s adoptive brother’s son had a FI that no one knew about– SHE had three kids.

Obviously the children were not put on the invite– as we didn’t even know they existed.

The RSVP came back with EIGHT when FOUR were included on the invite.  I even have a post about it on here– where I was clearly not happy (this was before my wedding)– I was really stressed with health issues and multiple DRs appointments, sick the week before the wedding AND they were the VERY last RSVP to trickle in– 2 weeks before the wedding.  It mean we had to add a table as well.

Thankfully, my venue worked miracles with me and handled it better than I ever could have expected.

While I haven’t read my post lately, I’m pretty sure I was throwing a stink LOL.

My mom told me that I there was no way I could just oust these kids.  And she was right, in retrospect.  It would have been tacky– which is the opposite of tactful, in my book.

If you don’t care enough about this cousin– you shouldn’t have invited them at all.  I understand it’s a dilemma, but you just can’t do that without looking like an ass.

Post # 6
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

My bridesmaid has 5 children, and i just hope she doesn’t bring them. But if she does, i’ll have to get over it.

Post # 7
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Sweetnsassy:  Who did you actually invite? If your invitation specifically named only the adults, then you just clarify the “misunderstanding” if she RSVP’s for more.  If you invited the adults “and family” then you can’t change your mind and rescind your invitation now without being incredibly rude and offensive. 

If you are allowing other family to bring their children, I can’t see how you can legitimately and randomly decide this family can’t.  You said many people are choosing to leave their kids at home so these kids coming shouldn’t be a problem.

It kind of sounds like your invitations were vague and that’s on you.  Even if they were specific but you are allowing other family to RSVP with their uninvited kids, I don’t see how you can single out this family without causing offense.

Post # 8
Member
6503 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

You would need to add an extra table because of three people? There is no polite way to uninvite her kids. I would just deal with the three extra kids.

Post # 10
Member
6503 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sweetnsassy:  if you only specified the couple and they add the kids than I would call and explain that it was only addressed to the couple and you hope they can still make it.

Has she actually RSVPed?

Post # 11
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

do you have other cousins bringing kids?

We have a blanket no kids rule (other than our neice and nephew) invites were adressed to Mr and Mrs Lastname – pretty much most of the people invited who have kids have asked us – are the kids invited – we have polietly said no im afraid its adults only during the day events but children are welcome in the evening

i think if you invited just the couple then theres no reason you cant say im sorry you misunderstood 

Post # 12
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

Sweetnsassy:  If it was only addressed to them, then only they are invited.

Post # 13
Member
744 posts
Busy bee

I don’t believe in “all or nothing” kid rules.  It’s your wedding, you can invite whoever you want.  And inviting kids of immediate family members (i.e. nieces and nephews) but not other kids seems more than reasonable to me.  I’m still confused though – has she actually told you whether she is bringing her kids?  That wasn’t clear from your original post.

Post # 15
Member
4596 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

We are only inviting kids that we are related to, so siblings kids or cousins kids (everyone else is gornw). Most of my friends will consider the wedding an adult-only event to have a night away, so I don’t feel bad about it. I am planning on putting something like this on the invitation:

We have reserved ___ seats in your honor

…to curb people bringing more than what is on the invitation.

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