(Closed) Etiquette question

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

You are under NO obligation to invite your co-workers!  If you truly get along with very few of them, why would you want them at your wedding?  I think weddings are to be shared with those who care the most about you, treat you well, and truly care about the well-being of you and your husband-to-be.  I get the feeling that these are not qualities of your co-workers.

I would never expect to be invited to a co-worker’s wedding, unless we were really close friends outside of work.  The way I think of it is: if I were to leave my job, who would I keep in touch with after my departure?  Those are the people I might consider inviting; but otherwise, if I don’t see you being in my life beyond sharing a 9-5 schedule with you, I don’t need to share the most important day of my life with you.  It may sound harsh, but it’s the truth.  

It’s your wedding, and you invite who you can; if inviting your co-workers is truly impossibly because of budget and space, then they will just have to come to terms with that.  If anyone raises a stink over it, I don’t think they’re very mature or understanding and that might validate to you why you’re not inviting them; but nonetheless, you might still have to spread the word that you are unable to invite co-workers and are instead having a smaller reception for close friends and family.  They’ll get over it.  I definltely wouldn’t invite them to the ceremony and tell them they can’t come to the reception; that might cause even more issues, or worse, people could misunderstand and show up at the reception.  Maybe if anyone asks if you’d mind them coming to the church to see you married, tell them you’d love that — that would be a nice gesture on their part, but they won’t be expecting an invite to the reception.

Sorry you’re dealing with this…. good luck!

Post # 4
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

I would be pretty offended if someone invited me to a wedding and not the reception.  I would just not go to the wedding…

Maybe you could have an afterparty, and invite everyone to that?  Tell them that there just wasn’t room in the reception venue for work friends, but you wanted to share your special day with them.  If a coworker told me that, I’d actually be relieved not to have to sit through a 6-8 wedding!  If it’s really really important for them to be there, they’ll let you know and you can try and accomodate them?

Post # 5
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

i understand what you’re going through. when i first started planning my wedding, i was getting stressed and overwhelmed because i was having such a hard time cutting our guestlist down. we actually ended up deciding on having a destination wedding!  

i would say that since you have to cut your list down by a third, many of your co-workers would probably be the first to be cut. if they’re as immature as you say, if you invited some of them, the ones you didn’t invite would have more to complain about.

make an ‘A’ list of who must be invited. then make a ‘B’ list of maybes. if you still had room or some invitees rvsp’d and can’t come, then make a ‘C’ list and pull from there as needed.

HTH!

Post # 6
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2007 - Ceremony at a cement and stained glass cathedral and reception at a boutique hotel ballroom

I had the same problem. My solution was to make the RSVP deadline for the "A" list earlier (6+ weeks before the wedding). I was able to invite "B" list guests without them knowing that they were on the "second tier" of invites.

Also, find out early from your friends and family that are out of town if they can make it or not. They will probably have an idea. Knowing this, you can approximate how many more guests you’ll be able to fit. We actually had about an 18% decline rate with about 60-70% of them being out of towners.

One of my family members actually had two receptions for her wedding. Right after the ceremony was a lunch reception that was less expensively catered (chinese food, self service buffet style) plus cake cutting and champagne. They also did the bouquet toss at the lunch reception. Later that evening was a smaller dinner reception with close friends and family. I’m not sure if it’s in your budget, but that may be an option. 

I hope that helps!

Post # 7
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

I’ve only invited a couple of close co-workers and my boss. I’m not sure if any of them are even coming. I think one woman is upset that I didn’t invite her, but we don’t even get along! You’re going to run into people that act out or get upset while you plan this wedding…it’s the nature of the beast. Keep it to your close friends and family if space is an issue. I wouldn’t invite them only to the ceremony. Most people who get invited to a wedding would assume they are invited to the reception…that would be difficult to communicate…and as someone said above, they probably won’t come. I’d just leave them out and explain that it’s just close friends and family. They’ll get over it. And if they have any class, they won’t care!  Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

If you don’t like them at all, I’d ditch them.  You need the space for your friends and family who you actually enjoy spending time with.

My rule of thumb was to consider the question, "Would I want to invite you & your S.O. to our house for dinner?" (i.e., invest in a lot of time cooking and cleaning and spend one-on-one extended time in our personal space with this person) If not, we moved on.

If you just cannot make the cut (spreading the word at work that your budget forces to you only include f&f might help), maybe just invite the co-workers with no spouses/guests/children. A co-worker/friend had to trim his list by a lot too. He asked what we thought of the above idea, and several of us told him that no, we wouldn’t feel insulted that he only invited us, not our S.O.’s b/c we understood the space/budget limitations, and many of our S.O.’s didn’t really know him and his wife anyway. This solution doesn’t work for everyone, though, and your co-workers don’t seem like the understanding type who would "get it" and would be peeved at the "only one" invite.

Consider the fact that since you don’t get along anyway and that they are childish, whether or not you invite them, they’ll prob’ly have something snarky to say about you no matter what you do.

Post # 9
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Honestly, I woulnd’t even bother inviting them – if they can’t understand that you can’t afford to feed an extra 100 people then screw them – sorry for the harsh term, but I had this same problem and a good friend of mine taught me one thing that’s helped me a lot. When you are being forced into doing something either directly or by pressure from fear of hurting others you simply say

"TOUGH, it’s my day and this is WHAT I WANT"

It’s been such a big help! If they are going to be upset you didn’t invite them, it doens’t sound like they will be much worse then they are now.  

I had to cut 75 people from ym list – all under 10! I couldn’t afford another $1000 in chicken finger kids meals. I’m simply putting on there that an adult reception will follow the wedding. nd I’m not offering any kid friendly options (though my wedding party kids will have it)

 

When others got mad about not being able to bring their kids, at first I was worried I hurt everyone – and I realized — they arn’t paying for this…..

 

You leave them out of your day! SOunds like you need a break from them anyway!

Good luck! 

Post # 10
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I work in a small start-up company of about 10 people, so I invited most of them to the wedding because I didn’t want it to be awkward at work to invite some and not others (BAD IDEA!!!), including the two bosses. All of the co-workers are male, in their late 20s, and the only ones who responded to the RSVPs BEFORE the deadline were the ones where I am friends with their girlfriends (and the GFs sent in the RSVP). All the guys, I had to ask AFTER the RSVP date if they were coming or not, some didn’t tell me until a week before the wedding, screwing up my seating plans.

Well, after getting back from our honeymoon and looking through the list of gifts, not a single person from work had brought a gift! After a couple weeks, I got a few gifts, brought to work, but still nothing from two of them. I guess that’s what I get for inviting (and paying for dinner) for people that I don’t know too well. 

 

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