Post # 1
Just wanting to find out your opinions on a situation we have. Last month we hosted an engagement party to tie in with my 30th birthday (we have lots of close friends and family interstate so we didn’t want to ask them to travel twice in a matter of 6 months). My mum and stepdad came from interstate for the occasion. We also only invited people to our engagement party that we have on our guest list for our wedding next April. We sent wedding STD’s with the engagement invites.
My aunt and uncle (who live here on a farm, approx 30minute drive) RSVPed that they’d love to come. We spoke on the phone and she also spoke with my Nanna and my future MIL and expressed her excitement about the upcoming party. It needs to be mentioned that my uncle is my Mums brother and he and Mum get along well, however he has nothing to do with their father or his other two sisters.
On the night of the party they didn’t show up. I didn’t hear from them and neither did mum or Nanna. I text Nanna a couple of days later and asked if she had heard from them – are they okay? The next day Nanna saw my aunty and she gave a super lame excuse as to why they didn’t come (she had to work the next day and all their boys were home (please note also that all the boys live here too)!! She told Nanna she would call me.
i am not annoyed that they didn’t come – I understand that things come up. I am slightly peeved that they didn’t at least send a text about it, and nearly a month later I still have not heard from them. This is a pattern with my aunty and uncle and they often didn’t show up to family things when I was growing up. This is definitely a pattern with them.
our dilemma is that if they RSVP ‘yes’ to the wedding – we are paying for them to be there. is it too risky to invite them to the wedding?
my brother and SIL (and even mum) have told us not to invite them (even though they would have received a STD with engagement invite). This doesn’t sit well with me. I feel like we need to invite them still, but perhaps I need to bite the bullet and have an uncomfortable conversation with them regarding my expectation that they show up?? I will be fuming on our wedding day if they blow us off (again!). I have been trying to extend the olive branch as I know they have a strained relationship with many of our family members, and I don’t want them to feel isolated. We are not close, we barely speak except for the times we run into each other in the supermarket, but our relationship is not strained or awkward at all.
what do you bees think?
Post # 2
I wouldn’t invite them especially since your paying for their meals.
Post # 3
You already essentially invited them by sending a save the date. To not invite them now would be like un inviting them. If you’re concerned they won’t show up, have a carefully worded chat with them (“I was hurt that you didn’t come to our engagement party after you said you would”…etc).
Post # 4
I would invite them, especially since you have a good relationship with them, to not invite them after you have sent them a STD would only damage it. But I would talk to them about your concerns about them RSVPing yes but not showing.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2015 - Firehouse Restaurant
As for your situation by sending a save the date it is implied they are invited. I could see why you wouldn’t want to invite them though. One of my bridesmaids and groomsmen (married couple) did show up to my engagement party even though they both said they were coming. I text my friend and hour and a half before the party and she said she forgot and picked up a shift at work. That irritated me. Her husband (one of the groomsmen) said he would be there and he never called us to say he wasn’t coming. Apparently he had to get up early the next day which I thought was BS because my FI had to get up at 4am the next day. Overall, I was dissapointed at the both of them and hope that as wedding related events pop up they won’t continue to flake. Otherwise, I might have to reconsider my weddng party.
Post # 6
Was it rude of them to not show up with no call or text, yes of course. But I think that not inviting them to the wedding is kind of petty. Unfortunately some people would rank an engagement or birthday party as not as serious/formal event that a wedding is and probably wouldn’t give a no show a second thought.
Post # 7
missopal: Not going to your engagement party was rude, but to retaliate by not inviting them to the wedding is an overreaction, IMO. Because a wedding is a more important event than an engagement party. Also, the fallout could be worse if you don’t invite them.
Post # 8
I understand that you’re annoyed they didn’t show up, but writing family members out of your wedding seems to be an extreme reaction. Maybe they couldn’t come because something horrible that they didn’t want to share happened, so they covered with a lame excuse? If these people are chronic no-shows, work into your budget to cover their plate. No-shows occur at almost every wedding, and while I agree it’s rude, it’s part of life.
Post # 9
Honestly, prepare yourself for your wedding day – you are going to have people RSVP “yes” and not show up. After you’ve already paid for their seats. We had about 15 people not show up after they had RSVP’d yes. It’s been 6 months since our wedding, and we’ve only heard from one of those couples – and only because the guy was a groomsman in the same wedding I was a bridesmaid in 6 weeks after our wedding and he basically had to say something. Guess what – it was a lame excuse then too, but it’s not my business.
People do have things going on in their lives that they don’t always want to share with the world, family or not. I understand you’re upset they didn’t show for your engagement party, but I think it’s a little petty to consider not inviting them to the wedding. Especially if, other than not showing, relationships are good between you and them.
Post # 10
I hear you, about aunts and uncles! My daughter’s were married in 2013 an 2014. The one in 2013 had 248 guests respond, out of 250 invited. The two that didn’t were an uncle and his wife. They never even sent so much as a congratulatory e-mail (quick and free). Since the 2014 wedding’s venue was half the size as the 2013, that uncle/aunt weren’t even invited. (My girls only have 2 aunt/uncle couples, to begin with).
I think you should talk to your venue about it. I do think they need to be invited and included in the seating chart, but you can probably get by with not inclulding them in your final numbers, to the venue. They usually state that they will have ready an additional 5% of your final number meals (or something like that?), so they’ll be fed if they do show up.
Post # 11
I do not want to be an “Itoldyouso” but this is why I think STDs should be limited. You can send a handwritten letter to your parents/grandparents and any very close friends not in wedding party and email out of town guests with date.
Post # 12
Invite them, but speak to them on the side about whether or not they will be in attendance. I agree with PABride about excluding your aunt and uncle from the final head count that’s due to the venue.