Post # 1
Okay. This is going to be a long one, so I’ll try not to bore you.
My FI and I have been engaged for over a year and are getting married in August of ’08. When we met, my FI’s brother was also engaged. The brother’s engagement and relationship was called off this summer.
About two months ago, the 21 year old brother started dating a 30 year old woman with three kids who is totally inappropriate for him in many ways – does drugs, takes him out drinking on a weekly basis, is overtly sexual around other people (for example, had him strip to his skivvies in the company of about five others – including his brother and me – and started grabbing his parts recently). She is pretensious and snotty, and none of the rest of the family likes her.
A week ago, they moved in together. Today, they announced they are getting married a few days before Christmas.
This has aroused a few feelings in me, some of which I’m ashamed to admit: they’re getting married before us, they just met, they’re stealing our thunder, it’s not fair, i don’t want to be her family, it’s inappropriate, i don’t like her, etc.
Now, on to the questions: should FI and I attend the wedding? Neither he nor I really want to based on the fact that we both think it’s a stupid, stupid decision. In our planning, we have already made up a guest list (and obviously it’s still early enough to change, but still) and it did not and does not currently include this woman or her children. I do not want her around on our wedding day, but I feel like I’m obligated to invite all of them. What should I do?
Post # 3
I guess that I should add that I think we should do all of the things I’m having questions about based on maintaining family peace, but I really don’t want to.
Post # 4
My first thought would be to talk to your fiance’s parents.Â You said no one else in their family likes her.Â Maybe they have an idea.Â Perhaps they are totally fine with you not going to their wedding.
I think it’s an awkward situation, and if you are worried about maintaining the family peace, maybe it’s best to ask some of the other family member’s opinions.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry for the mess you have to go through.
This recently came up for our family as well. My guy’s younger brother announced he was going to marry the girl he got pregnant. Mind you this was just after we lost our baby and feelings were hard all around. I decided not to go. It was a tough choice because I know that I would hear the " you have to for family’s sake", but in the end being a guest would have meant that I support the marriage when I did not.
Turns out they broke up before it even happened, so it was a moot point. But I was prepared to tell anyone who asked why. I didn’t want to be there bad enough that I was willing to tell his family straight out why. Not rude mind you because I love the rest of them, but just in a honest way.
Post # 6
Wow….totally sucky. What a bummer. I hope your future BIL gets his head straightened out before it’s too late. My hubs & I are currently going through a somewhat similar situation (not liking a loved one’s significant other) and we have acutally had conversations about "if they get married would we go?"
A friend said she’d also been in a similar situation and decided not to go to the wedding b/c (as Angel said) she felt she could not in good conscience be at a wedding where she did not support the union. I have to say I feel the same way, and should this person in our lives gets married, I will in all likelihood not go. (But as Beccs said, perhaps you should consult w/ other family members; if it’s going to harm your relationship w/ them, perhaps you may need to swallow it and go…but if they all feel the same, maybe you all don’t go? Hard on the brother, and potentially damaging all around, but the whole situation is just awful.)
On inviting her to your wedding, I say invite her and not the kids, if that’s what it takes to maintain family peace.
A piece of advice we were given: You can only love and support your friend/family. You can’t help them out of their mistakes if they don’t want to be helped; you just have to let them make those mistakes and tell them you still love them when it’s all done.