Post # 1
Hello bees, I know I’m not a unique story and so many other patiently waiting bees are in a similar boat. I guess I’m just hoping I can share my story and seek a little support. I have been with my wonderful, incredibly loving SO for 7 years, lived together for 4 and have been openly speaking about our plans to eventually get married for about 5 years. We are entirely financially joined, and honestly are living as a married couple now. We have set and then passed a few times that we thought we’d be engaged by, and many of them had to do with school. Now there really isn’t anything left to wait for, and it’s been a few months since we passed the most recently set time we talked about doing it by. Despite these passed set times for getting engaged, we have been set on marrying by spring of 2015 for a long time. We are very open with eachother and discuss it frequently, but it is usually me who gets the conversation rolling… My family and close friends all know that we have been openly planning to get married, and recently SO told me that even though I’ve said I don’t need anything but a loving conversation in which we decide to publicly announce our plans to marry he told me that he still wants to be the one to officially ask or propose. I want to respect this desire, but this is not really like him- he isn’t usually very gendered about these things and isn’t usually a big gesture kind of person. Annnnd if he wants to do it, GO AHEAD AND DO IT!!!! Anyhow, getting to my point, he talked with his mom last week about the fact that we are planning to get married but weren’t officially engaged yet in a conversation about healthcare and other not so romantic items (so yes… we basically have begun planning a wedding without being formally engaged…) The more time goes by the more I realize that we are engaged for all intents and purposes, and I feel very silly not just using the correct word to describe our actual situation. We spent this weekend with his parents, and his mom started talking to me about how she was confused because he told her we were getting married but not yet officially engaged. It was a beautiful conversation where she told me how happy she was and she even told me that she and FFIL plan to help out with finances, and she started talking all about venues and details and it was really lovely… But now I just feel like everyone already knows we are getting married, and I don’t know why I have to keep waiting for an official gesture. I want to start planning (more than just on my own secret pinterest board) together, pinning down the logistics and stop waiting for an “official” proposal that won’t change anything that isn’t already in motion anyway! Arrgghh thank you for letting me rant. Any advice from bees who were “engaged without being engaged” about how to hang on until he decides to complete his proposal plan so I can just officially say he is my fiance would be much appreciated. : )
Post # 3
I was with my FI for 10 years before he proposed (started dating at 15). I would never consider myself to have been ‘waiting’ because we both agreed that we wanted to wait until we were finished with school and had stable careers, but for all intents and purposes we were basically living a married life without even being engaged. At one point my mom suggested we just go to the courthouse so that my FI could go on my health insurance (my work offers better plans than his). Romantic, huh?
My FI surprised me and proposed randomly one day. It was perfect. I had never asked when it was going to happen. I never pushed him or pressured. Like you, we were very open with our plans and expectations. There was a point when we were in college and said, “we should get married in 2010!” But we didn’t graduate until 2009 and then the job search in this economy was a hurdle in itself. So yeah, we had loose plans that fell through.
While I was never ‘waiting’ or obsessing over when it would happen (heck I really never thought about it at all) it was awkward to tell people that, “this is my boyfriend of 10 years.” I got lots of side eyes over that one lol.
It sounds like you guys have really discussed it quite a bit and are on the same page. Maybe you should just bring it up one day and say something like, “I really can’t wait to be officially engaged. I’m so excited!!” and see what he says. That way you aren’t putting him on the spot with a direct question, but you might get a feel of whats going on.
Post # 4
@Jazzylove: I’m on the same middle-ground, so I know how you feel but I cannot offer you any help. We have talked, looked for venues and Churches… but he hasn’t asked yet. SO’s parents don’t know yet (because we’re waiting until his brother’s wedding to break the news) but my mother and siblings do, and they are all like… Ok, so what’s going on? Are you engaged or not? It’s a bit frustrating not knowing what to call him anymore. He is obviously not only my BF now, yet he is not my FI either.
Let me know if you hear any good advice for this situation!
Post # 5
@Jazzylove: My SO and I have been “dating” for 8 years and we will be getting married next year. We are not yet officially engaged either. We discussed it, settled on a possible month and my SO wanted to go from there. I felt a little off with moving on from there (I dunno why) so I told him that I would like a proposal before anything official is done.
Some may be ashamed to say but I am a waiting bee. I want him to officially propose (so I guess we are opposite there). I am waiting for it to officially happen and the waiting is easier when I take a step back from wedding planning. My SO is very slowly informing family of our plans and so am I. We are already getting a lot of advice and recommendations too. A few members of both of our families are already planning to help out with a lot of things. I just want him to ask already!!
Post # 6
Thanks so much for the thoughts and advice ladies. Yeah, I think I’m just going to ask his mom if she wouldn’t mind not talking about wedding stuff until he asks… Her talking about it makes it feel much harder not to just scream “We are engaged already dude!!!” I think I’ll let it go as long as I can without bringing it up again, but if a few more months go by I will definitely say something like what you suggested adoc86. He is wonderful and kind and he knows that I am feeling uncomfortable with the secrecy and the not being able to call it what it is, so hopfully some kind of autumn proposal is in the works!