Post # 1
I’d love to get rid of one. The wedding is still 7 months away and no one has made any purchases yet. I’m really irritated with this girl both wedding and non-wedding related ways.
I feel like she is completely unsupportive of my choices for the wedding, although I’m sure she thinks she is helping. She has criticized my dress choice, my choice for colored shoes, our not getting married in a Catholic church (and she’s not even Catholic!), etc., etc.
In addition to her wedding criticisms, we Mary and I have clashed lately in other areas. She has been a family friend for a long time, is a few years older than me and consistently and admittedly has difficulty recognizing that I’m not the same 8 year old girl she met 21 years ago. As a grown adult with a stable career and more education than Mary has, I find this completely insulting and demeaning.
She asked the night I told her I was engaged who my bridesmaids would be. Off the cuff, I replied her, we’ll call her “Mary,” and my sister. Now I wish I had never included her.
Anyway, I’m wondering if I’d stand a chance of saving the friendship and quashing her as a bridesmaid. Have any of you had that luck in this situtation?
Post # 3
I have. But, we had a very special situation where there were tons of other things going on in our relationship and with friend issuses and stuff. I didn’t dump her because of things centered around the wedding but because of major life changes that were separating us. Plus, she lives far away and we go long long amount of time without talking. She told me it was up to me if she’d be a bridesmaid or not, but that she’d still like to be invited the wedding, and we’re stil friends. Good luck.
Post # 4
I seriously doubt you can cut her loose and expect the friendship to remain in tact. She immediately wanted to know who your bridesmaids were, so she was obviously thinking of it from the start. Your best bet is to have a heart-to-heart with her. Be kind, but be honest and firm about how her comments upset you. Remind her that you chose her because you expected her to show you support. Tell her that if she’s not up to the job, then you wouldn’t mind if she bowed out 😉
Post # 5
Let her know her comments are upsetting, and that it is your wedding so you can do whatever YOU want to do. Be careful in the future asking her opinion on things. Try to give her specific tasks like addressing envelopes or searching for reception decor. Cutting her lose will be a huge issue, so if you value your friendship stand up to her and get it over with before the wedding.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2010 - Carlouel Yacht Club
Sadly, I don’t know if it is possible to be friends with someone after they cut you from their wedding, unless it is a really special circumstance.
My good friend from high school got engaged a few years ago, and she asked me to be in her wedding…then asked me a few months later to not be a bridesmaid and to just sing at the ceremony…then a few months later she told me I couldn’t sing at the ceremony because the food at the reception would get cold and her dad was paying for it all. I haven’t spoken to her in over 2 years now. I’m not a mean person in general, but I just found it so hurtful (although, I do admit that I wasn’t being pesky or judgmental about her choices, etc…I didn’t know any of them because we lived in different states and we didn’t talk about her plans every day or anything).
Just be prepared that if you do cut her off, you do run the potential risk of losing her as a friend. If you are ready for that, then go ahead. But just consider it. I am sorry that she is being a bit of a downer with things, but is it worth your friendship to cut her off? Or could you two sit down and have a conversation about how you’re feeling, and hopefully smooth things over?
Post # 7
I’m interested in the part where you say she’s criticizing, but you’re sure she thinks she’s helping. Is it that she doesn’t agree with what you prefer? (ie. you go dress shoppping, and she voices her opinion that she likes dress D best, even though you like dress A?) Perhaps she doesn’t have the most gentle way of saying she likes something a different way? Are you telling her the cake flavors you’ve picked out? Or are you taking her to the cake tastings? There’s a difference.
But in any case, it sounds like it might be just an annoying aspect of her personality. Yet, it sounds like despite that, you still want to be her friend. If tha’s the case, I think you should just let this roll off your bak. Perhaps try other strategies like, not talking much about the wedding, or asking her to do much.
Post # 8
I have, one of my best friends moved to Fl and we had a huge falling out. Much too long of a story to get into here, but suffice it to say that I decided it would be in both of our best interest to just have her attend my wedding rather than be in it. She understood my position, and now things are fine between us. I think it worked out better this way anyway, but I will say she was never snarky to me like your BM seems to be. Seems like she needs to get a reality check…
Post # 9
Maybe try to tell her that from now on when you come to her with a wedding idea, you are not asking her for her opinion, you are asking her to support what you’ve already decided. Maybe if you had that boundary you’d be able to save your sanity, her position and your friendship.
Post # 10
To respond to some of the questions, her comments have included: telling me the dress I wore in our engagement photos was unflattering, saying that maybe she liked the dress I chose, or maybe it made me look like a stripper, and insisting that I try hair extensions for my limp, lifeless hair even though I objected to the idea repeatedly.
BritShiningStar has a point, she seems to think she is commenting on things I am considering, not things I have decided. Either that, or she doesn’t understand the difference.
You ladies are probably right that there is no way out of it at this point. I plan to discuss it with her again. I tried before, but she completely blew it off like it was a non-issue.
Post # 11
O my goodness, those are some very creative comments, who tells someone that they look like a stripper in their wedding dress that’s horrible, she has no tact. I’m sorry.
Post # 12
If I were in your situation, I’d have a heart-to-heart with your friend. In the interest of maintaining your friendship, it’s probably easier to try to sort out some issues and see how that goes, rather than asking her to step down.
Have you talked to her at all about her comments? What do you think would happen if you told her that she had hurt your feelings with all her negativity? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling her that while you love her and your friendship, her negativity is hurting you. Let her know that you want her to be a part of this process with you, but if she can’t do it in a more positive way, then maybe you need to figure out another solution.
Maybe she doesn’t realize that her comments are hurting your feelings. Hopefully if she hears it from you, she’ll take your feelings to heart.
Post # 13
Big hugs, SoontobeMrsC. I feel like you and I are in the same situation! I too have a lifelong family friend who’s very critical of everything (including but no limited to, my dress, the location of our rehearsal dinner, who we are inviting to the rehearsal dinner and where I’d like to have dinner on my bachelorette night out) and thinks that she’s helping. She’s also my MOH, which has created a huge issue for me and I’ve spent many hours exhausted and crying to my FI over this fact.
As many said, do try talking to her, but I know in my case it would not help, so maybe you’d have better luck with that. I honestly don’t know what to tell anyone in these situations other than do what YOU need to do to make YOU happy, because honestly your wedding is all about you and your FI, not about ANYONE else. No matter what those people think.
Post # 14
Thanks for the support/advice ladies. I talked to her. She says she didn’t realize I was so hurt by her comments and will try to be more careful in the future. We’ll see. Here’s hoping!
Post # 15
do you really want to be friends with someone who treats you like that ?
Post # 16
totally feel for u, have just had the same situation, one of my brides maids and i were very close friends for 5 years. when i got engaged she assumed she was a bridesmaid, i went with it and had no problems with it, then she started to change, back stabbed me a lot, disrespected my family big time, then we seldom spoke for a long time. out partners play at the same football club and saw her a bit, made a effort to talk to her but she just acted like she was too good. Finally broached the subject with her to which she tried to say she loves me and wants to help anyway she could. After that, havent heard from her for 3 months!!! Last week i contacted her via facebook as she was not responding any other way to say how i felt and felt it best she stepped down as our wedding is 2 months away and she has done nothing dress wise/shoes/flowers and ofcourse hasnt spoken to me. she has not responded or acknowleded that contact either. Without her acknowledging it i still feel the situation has not been reselved. how did you go with ur bridesmaid?