- 3 years ago
TL;DR available at the bottom.
I have this friend — let’s call her Carrie — who I have known since we were both pre-teens. Over the years, we became extremely close friends. Whenever I needed advice or someone to talk to, she was there always brimming with advice and being incredibly supportive. This was exceptionally important during a few really rough years and hard times that I experienced in my life. She was an incredible friend. I was always there for her and did the same whenever I could.
Fast forward to the present… Over the last year, my life has had an upward momentum. I don’t by any means have a perfect life — still struggling to figure out what I want to do with my life and really figure out a career rather than a job — but I feel as though I’ve begun a new and incredibly happy chapter. I’ve been working full time steadily, been pushing myself out of my comfort zone to go out and be more social, I began dating the most incredible man who loves me dearly, my relationship with my mother has slowly improved, and I’ve made great strides in saving money for a down payment in order to move out of my parents’ house and buy a home with my SO. I’ve never been happier in my whole life.
During this last year, because of how great things have gone, I haven’t needed to go to Carrie for advice or support on how to get my life together. When we talk — which is at least once a week — its a general catch up of how we’ve been and what we’ve each been up to. Over time, I’ve begun to notice a trend… Since things have begun looking up for me, Carrie hasn’t been that caring, supportive person she once seemed to be. Every time I have great, exciting news or I have a happy update, she somehow tries to drag it down. It wasn’t just once, either. It seems like it is all the time.
For example, when I first met my SO, we hit it off right away. Within a week, we knew eachother was the one. We by no means planned to jump in and get married or do anything crazy right away; it was just a “we knew” epiphany and were very happy. When I relayed this to my friend, she acted as if I was crazy. Eye rolling and all sorts of “don’t do anything stupid” and “don’t run to a tattoo shop and get a couples tattoo.” All of these things seemed to come out of left field; I’m not the type of person to do those things. I brushed it off thinking that maybe my gushing had come off too strong and I was giving off the “we’re going to go elope in Vegas RIGHT NOW” vibe so I backed off. Weeks later, I mentioned how I thought I’d be able to move out of my parents’ house and start renting an apartment soon. Her immediate response was “how will you ever manage to afford that”? She just talked the idea down and told me what a bad idea it was, despite the fact that I have a full time job and that she is already doing what I’m trying to do (has her own place, etc). A month after that, I mentioned how things had changed in my life and buying a home was a possibility, which seemed so much better than my previous mention of renting since it seemed smarter to invest in my own mortgage and establish equity than paying rent in order to pay down someone else’s mortgage. She started freaking about how I could manage that, how homes are expensive, how she firmly believes people our age (22) should not own homes… I know lots of people who owned their own homes when they were 22 (my own parents and sister included, both of whom agree that investing is better than paying someone else). I explained that justification, and how if I’m smart and make good decisions, monthly mortgage payments could be equal to monthly rent payments. Her response was “Okay, whatever.” A few minutes later she said, “I don’t understand how you can afford a whole house.” I explained how I had been saving, how my SO had been saving, and how my mother had generously offered to match whatever we save and give that to us for a down payment… She then lost it that my SO and I were planning on buying a home together! Tried telling me it was too soon, how we were being irresponsible, etc… I mean, I know perhaps discussing moving in together usually doesn’t happen this early, but we are both happy and want to take this step; it is what we both want. Moreover, it isn’t as though we could make the move happen tomorrow. We have to get pre-approved, look at houses, decide what is really important to us, make offers, meet all the offer conditions, have to wait until the closing date… And on top of that, my SO lives an hour away and works an additional hour away from there for a total of 2 hours drive between his work and where I live, which means he also needs to find a new job. All that could take 6 months or even way longer, so we aren’t rushing. I just don’t understand. He and I are responsible adults (as I said, I’m 22; my SO is 24), we have full time jobs, and have researched what it costs to maintain a home. We have allocated how much we can afford monthly in rent and included yearly maintenance, property taxes, insurance, utilities… I feel like we’re prepated. I explained all this. Once again, it was a “whatever” in response.
I’m so flabbergasted. I cannot understand why she is being this way when she was once so supportive. I feel so hurt that she responded this way to what I thought was such exciting news. It isn’t as though I brag or talk about him all the time and she is feeling jealous or annoyed… I barely even talk about my SO unless he is directly involved in something worth catching Carrie up on. Other friends’ of mine have been so excited and congratulated me. I know sometimes friends need to give some “tough love” to keep one grounded in reality… But she seemed harsh, and everything she has to say is negative and suggesting that all the ideas I have are impossible, stupid, and I shouldn’t even consider it. It has been going on for months and months… I just don’t know what to do. I’m hurt and am starting to lose faith in her friendship…
TL;DR: My close friend Carrie has always been super supportive, given me advice, and been there for me. Ever since my life has started to get better over the last year and good things have been happening, she responds to the good things with pessimism and criticism and I don’t know what to do about it.