NWR:Ever feel as though a close friend is unsupportive? What do you do about it?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7412 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@alt_bride:  Have you stopped to think that maybe it is you who has changed and not her? She has always been the one you came to for advice and support especially it seems when the chips were down. Now that the tides have turned are you really after advice or just affirmation? She may not be used to that role in your life yet- to just be the cheerleader.

But I also think that you need to recognise that giving advice that isn’t what YOU want to hear is not being unsupportive. Giving advice to your friend and expressing your concerns over their choices in life is being supportive. it is showing concern and care and pushing you to evaluate all the sides of the equation.

Post # 5
Member
7412 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@alt_bride:  Maybe she feels like she is your protector because you have relied on her through those times where she felt you made poor life decisions. As I said I think this is the role she has seen herself in for your friendship. She was probably doing all those things before (eye rolling etc) but you did not notice because at the time she was telling you what you wanted/needed to hear. It will take time for her and you to adjust to your new roles within the friendship.

Post # 7
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Honestly I’d probably react the same way if a 22 year old friend was planning on buying a house with a guy she hadn’t been dating long. She’s just trying to look out for you and to keep you from leaping before looking. 

Post # 8
Member
7412 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@alt_bride:  I am big for communication. I think friends should be able to broach any and all factual topics (I don’t deal in unverified information or gossip) with each other because well that is what friendship is about.

I say take her out for coffee and just let her know how you are feeling. Acknowledge everythign that she has done for you int he past and how much you appreciate it and that you hope she will be your rock again in the future if need be. But let her know that at this stage in life when she does (insert thing here) it makes you feel (insert how it makes you feel). Make it about you and not like you are acquising of being a bad friend.

 

Post # 11
Member
38 posts
Newbee

@alt_bride:  I have a friend just like this. I do think that she might be adjusting to the fact that you are doing so well. You are still young and she obviously wants you to still be level-headed. Her remarks do not sound overly snarky but she needs to learn that it is ok to show support while being happy for you, even giddy. This is a huge step and you seem like a smart enough girl. She should definitely support and smile along with you as you don’t seem to be making dumb choices. After all, she isn’t your mother either.She might be having trouble because her own life is not taking such a drastic, positive turn. I think it is important that you do not rub things in her face (not saying you did, just warning). Otherwise, be happy. She asks you to update and that’s what you are doing. 

 

Post # 12
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

I have been in a similar situation but a different role. these past couple years I have had creepy guys creep up on me and everytime that happened I would tell my best guy friend. Well after a while he got tired of it. I guess my point is that your friend needs to realize that she has a new role. Since my best guy friend got tired of me talking about creepy guys hitting on me I stopped talking about it. It makes the friendship better. 

Post # 13
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@alt_bride:  I have to agree with @j_jaye:  because I feel like I am that friend you just described. I feel bad whenever a conversation ends because I realized that I never was happy for her…I have been worried for her for so long that it suddenly feels like I can’t stop. She is doing “better” in her own mind but I still feel like she deserves more or could do even better. She is engaged and is excited…..I worry because she hardly knows the guy and I feel like she is rushing. 

Honestly, it sounds like she is still in her “safe keeper” role and you have changed prospectives. You feel like you are doing well and aren’t happy that she is still being her normal advice giving self. 

I personally find it hard to look at someone differently when I have viewed them a certain way for sooo long. 

Post # 14
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

Were your catch-ups always about the new boy in your life? When I’ve had friends who, at a young age, fell deeply in love and moved very quickly, they (to put it not-so-politely) never shut up about it and I got sick of it. That isn’t to say that she’s not wording things in a stinging manner, just perhaps she’s sitting over there thinking “We used to talk about life, now we can’t even talk about a subject with her bringing up her boyfriend at least once.”

I agree with PP, I think she still cares. Her methods of showing it just may not be so appropriate for the situation. Try talking to her about it!

Post # 16
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@alt_bride:  Sounds exactly like my best friend (not so “best” anymore, from my perspective) but she’s now been like this towards me for years.  Very competitive and doesn’t seem to want to hear about any good news I might have. If there is, she will immediately try to drag me back down to make herself either look or feel better.  It’s frustrating and immature and I’ve tried to talk to her about it but she just doesn’t ever see it. So I’ve stopped telling her. I’ve found other friends to be closer to and they show so much positive support. This girl doesn’t have any other friends. All of our mutual friends are only friends with me now. I just cut her out of my inner circle and really only tell her something when she directly asks and never go into detail. It makes it easier for me and she will never change so why put myself in the position where I am constantly having to justify my decisions? Better off to slowly disengage yourself from the relationship and concentrate on friends who help you up, not push you down.

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