Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle
I went to a friends engagement party at the beginning of this month. I was very excited and voiced this to other friends that they are the only couple other then myself that are engaged! Its good to see what is done and since they did canapes for the engagement party, it gave me a real life example of how much food was served for the amount of people in attendance as I am doing canapes for my wedding. (realised i was planning way to many dishes). At one stage i mentioned that i was glad i discussed my plans for origami boxes as favors with the bride prior to because she did origami hearts and i didnt want anyone to think that i copied her!
Somehow it got back to her that i was glad she had her party first so i can be “better” etc and apparently other little comments…
This is severly upsetting for me!.. i dont have many friends and i dont have a competative bone in my body! This bride and i are totally different!.. She was very nice about it when she emailed my fiance (she is his friend primarily) as she was concerned and upset herself being told these things by her friends and guests.. she isnt a highly social person and was uncomfortable having the party in the first place but her mother insisted!
I just feel like i shouldnt talk anymore in public as everything i say gets taken the wrong way and i seem to continuously upset and offend people.. Our engagement party was already planned to be a BBQ and spitroast party.. before we attended her swanky winery in the city for drinks and canapes.. It was lovely but not my thing..
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle
Sorry.. sook and rant over.. Just feel like I cant win, that i should pull away from all friends!..
Post # 3
Don’t feel defeated. Just be very careful not to talk about your events at your friends events, that is rude, you’re taking attention away from her when it’s her time. I have a good friend who is getting married just before me and so I am hyper aware of this as well.
Post # 4
MissFox: *hugs* Everyone has times like that, when they say something that’s taken the wrong way. Or (as in your case) says something that a third person then totally misinterprets. It’s awkward and uncomfortable. And I know how disheartening it can feel. I’m a shy introvert, too, and I know that, in the past, I wanted to pull away from any and all social activities because of things similar to what has happened to you. But try to take a deep breath and let it go. You won’t do yourself any favors by cutting yourself off from other people. Plus, from what you wrote, it sounds like you didn’t do anything wrong.
If the bride is friends with your FI, hopefully he was able to straighten everything out with her. If not, maybe you could call her and explain that the information which got back to her was not accurate. For me, as uncomfortable as it would make me, I wouldn’t handle something like this via email. It’s often better to talk face-to-face or over the phone, so that the other person can hear your vocal inflections and judge how sincere you are. Emotions like that don’t come across well in writing.
Post # 5
MissFox: you didn’t say anything wrong – your “friends” are jerks for gossipping!
Post # 6
MissFox: I have a lifelong issue with oversharing, giving my frank opinion, and unintentionally offending people.
I totally feel you! I have major issues with just not realizing that what I’m saying can be construed in offensive ways. Even after years of working on being more conscientious, I stick my foot in my mouth and trod on toes that I don’t even realize I’ve done until it’s too late.
Don’t get down on yourself.
Don’t stop talking with people. But maybe prep for parties?
I have to go through and plan things like:
– This party is for XYZ, they are sensitive about ABC, I need to think up talking points that don’t cross that line.
– I know I’m excited about such & such event coming up in my future, but this party is about so & so, let’s keep topic in hand.
It sounds stupid that I would have to give myself a pep talk, but I do! If I just leave it to chance, I end up getting spun off topic, because someone was interested, and talking without thinking.
You may want to talk with the other bride and explain that you are in no way trying to compare wedding planning, but that your brain is so focussed on wedding details that you notice all of them and might have gone overboard on talking about it. You meant no offense, nor do you notice things that you want to out-do, but that you realized that she was such a good planner and that you learned some great things like the amount of canapes to serve for a group by noticing how well-organized it was?
Post # 7
Try not to be too discouraged. My mother has a habit of saying things that are taken the wrong way. We used to get into fights over it and I would be terribly hurt by something she’d said. Then eventually I realized that she was just communicating a perfectly innocent thing in a way that to me was offensive. Fortunately, I now know to clarify with her and ask “Now when you say that, are you trying to tell me (innocent thing)? When you say it this way, I take it to mean (offensive thing) because (insert breakdown of words here).”
Unfortunately, not everyone you interact with will know how to decipher what you say. That doesn’t mean you should stop talking, just that it will require a little more thought on your part in how to phrase things. Then there will also be people who willfully take things wrong and want to stir up drama. The best thing you can do is make sure you communicate what you really mean and rephrase it if you have to. When it seems someone is taking something you say the opposite of how you intended it, that’s your cue to jump in and clarify. Nadnuk has a great suggestion on how to talk to the other bride, that you realized she was such a good planner and you were happy to learn from how successful her party was. The sooner you can clear up the communication issue, the better. Then leave it be, because you’ve said your piece and it’s up to them what to do with it.