Post # 1
So, I had an argument with my mom today about a trivial wedding detail. The argument was minor, but I was left feeling very upset. I couldn’t figure out why, until i mulled it over, and came up with this:
I am sick of my wedding being thought of as some sort of weird Court of Public Perception, where you earn bonus or demerit points.
Let me preface this by saying, I am a pretty moderate person. I’ve never taken the attitude that this is “my” day, I’ve always felt it was a day for me to celebrate with the people I love. I am willing to sacrifice extras for myself, like a more expensive dress, to provide things that will make my guests’ experience better, like extra food.
That said, I sometimes run into this idea that the wedding is all about making “the right” impression on people, to the point where it’s more important than me and my close family actually enjoying the day! And it’s not like my mom even seems happy with this idea – to the contrary, it seems more like she’s held hostage by fear of making the ‘wrong’ impression.
Free our weddings, daggone it! That is IT, I am wearing a Big Bird costume and dancing the Macarena down the aisle just to prove a point!
Post # 3
I have had moments of feeling like that. Mostly when I think about the more non-traditional aspects of my wedding- i’ll be like “What will they think?” or “will they get what Im trying to do?”. Luckily, for the most part I’ve been able to push those feelings aside and just continue on with my original plan. My mother is very hands-off with the whole wedding process (maybe a bit too much but thats a different story) so I don’t feel the pressure from her- I think its mostly self-imposed. I love the vision of you wearing a Big Bird costume and dancing the Macarena- THAT would make an impression alright!
Post # 4
I wouldn’t say I wanted to make the right impression (whatever that is), but I certainly wanted to throw a party that didn’t leave a bad taste in people’s mouths. Like I know a cash bar doesn’t go over well here….so I made sure I didn’t have one. Outdoor wedding=hot, so I made sure to supply bottled water. Stuff like that.
Post # 5
It depends. The mother of one of my oldest friends definitely wanted to make the right impression more like show off. She made sure to throw her daughter a big wedding. I mean the works. Her daughter could have cared less she just wanted to get married end of story. So some people will try to show off through a wedding.
Post # 6
You’re not alone. I think it’s too easy for brides to caught up in wedding maddness — I’ve had to remind myself a time or two what this is really all about which is exactly what you said… a celebration of our love! The details can be overwhelming when you completely throw yourself into them so those “deep breath” moments become very important so you don’t get lost in the wedding shuffle. 🙂 Sounds like you’ve got a great attitude… a wedding shouldn’t be a show, but everyone there should feel special.
Post # 7
For me it’s important that my guests enjoy the day. It’s about making them feel welcome so they can celebrate with us, not be annoyed by disorganization or lack of food. I think that puts me on your side of the argument here. However, it’s possible that something you don’t think is important is something your mom feels guests will find inappropriate or tacky – making them less comfortable and happy. A wedding is a carefully orchestrated show in some ways – you are standing in front of everyone, wearing fancy clothes, saying your vows, etc. If it wasn’t a show you wouldn’t care about wearing a fancy dress or having the right flowers. It sounds like you just have different ideas of what the show has to look like.
Post # 8
Thank god someone finally posted this lol. all I have been reading about lately is that everything is tacky – if you dont buy your guests expensive enough favours its tacky – if the food isnt 100 dollars a plate tacky – cash bar – tacky. I may have exaggerated a little but it seems to me that weddings are all about whose is bigger and more expensive and that everyone, including the bride, groom and guests has lost sight about what it is really about.
i remember my mom saying that there was no was we could have a cash bar because someone told her it was tacky. We had a cash bar but she bought 4 drink tickets per person (more than enough I would say). She wanted so badly to make sure that we didnt look bad and I could see how stressed she was. Then I come on here and read posts about guests complaining about cash bars and other things and I think – why even go? If your main goal for that persons wedding day is not to love and support them and have fun with them on their day, then why are you there?
So thank you for your post!
Just a note though – i wasnt referring to the weddings where the bride and groom do not thank their guests or just get up and leave – because its the small touchest from the bride and groom such as a thoughtful speech, a quick thank you to everyones table when you have time that make guests feel special.
Post # 9
my problem is that im trying tp pack so much sentiment into my wedding that glenn gets confused. like why my bouquest and my moms corsage has a butterfly but no other buttrflies are involved (my mom has a butterfly tat on her ankle with my name on it) its out little thing. i want to emboss all the envelopes with <3 cus that was our lil joke before we were even dating. all the little things
and on top of all that im trying to make it bigger and better then my older cousins. as the last female cousin in the family i have to make a statement, as mom moms only daughter i have to make her cry tears of joy, and since i will never get married again, even if we divorce, i want to make this the best day ever. this is also the first time i will meet most of his family, ive met his oldest sister and his parents but thats it. i have to make them think im awesome. fi knows it and his close family knows it but thats it. so much pressure to have everything perfect
Post # 10
I’m totally with you. My FMIL is the big culprit for this. When I was designing the invitations, she told me so many times that the invitations would “set the tone” for the wedding and would need to meet a certain standard. Not even 12 hours after my FI proposed, she was telling me all about how we’d “have to” do this, “have to” do that, all to impress people. It drives me crazy – I don’t want our wedding to be about keeping up with the Joneses.
Post # 11
Hey–some date twins! I feel exactly the same way that you do in that this isn’t “my day”, it’s a day of celebrating with my family and closest friends. The vast majority of people want a decent meal and to see the bride and groom have fun. The amount of cash spent does not guarantee a successful event. We are giving up a lot of extras to help our families and attendants participate. Make sure your guests are comfortable and you are enjoying yourself. People who really love you are not coming to be impressed, they are coming to support you. Everyone else can go to …..
@s_h_e_l_b_s: I actually disagree with you about what is on this board. I have seen so many girls do really creative things to save money. It has actually inspired me a lot and I think I will have many unique touches because of it. Yes, there are some judgemental or harsh comments but I think the vast majority of Bees are really supportive of each other and overlook regional differences.
Post # 12
My FMIL is the worst about this. So I’ve stopped telling her about stuff until it is already planned and set in stone (such as first look and pics before the wedding). My mantra (and it’s hard – have to keep repeating!!) is “It is OUR day.”
Post # 13
I’m glad I’m not alone in this. I think it takes a lot of different forms – this will be “tacky”, this will be too “untraditional”, this won’t be “proper”.
For me, the last straw was when my mom had a fit about my colored shoes because people “would talk.” All of the sudden I felt like “Let them talk! Let them talk all they want! I cannot stand another decision about what will look ‘appropriate’ to everyone else!” Bah! Anyways, I did get that frustration out of my system and so help me I’m wearing green shoes come heck or high water.
Post # 14
Luckily, I haven’t run into this much yet, but I know what you’re saying. Pretty sure I’ll run into it with the invites though. Personally, (and I know it’s traditional so no offense) but the whole Mr. & Mrs. Joe Smith makes my skin crawl and I don’t want to use it. I think my FILs will want to use it though, even though our wedding isn’t formal. Ick.
Post # 15
@Angela83: I ended up doing “Mr and Mrs John and Jane Smith” for mine. I know it’s not traditional, but I just couldn’t, in good conscience, refer to a woman by her husband’s name. Like you, it made my skin crawl. Think your FILs would go for that?