Post # 1
I’m wondering this because I’m a bit guilty of doing this recently (although, always in my head and never verbalized) and anticipate that this will happen to me once I get engaged. I have a friend whose fiancé is a grad student and isn’t financially stable. They recently got engaged and she was given a ring around 20k! I know she has impeccable taste, so I was expecting her to get such a ring. That said, I was still a bit shocked and wondering how he managed it (the parents…). People often make comments about this to her (i.e., how he afforded it on a grad student budget) and I know it makes her uncomfortable. In my case, I’m not engaged yet but the ring has been ordered and is being made. My SO makes a lot of money (physician) and has spent 17k on the ring (too much, likely overpriced because we went with a brand). I have confided in a close friend and my sister about the ring and gave them a general idea of the cost. They both responded, “well yeah, I’d expect him to spend AT LEAST that much…”.
Have you Bees ever felt that people judged your ring as “too much” or “too little” because of your SO’s occupation? Please share your experiences! Thanks!
Post # 3
I don’t count other people’s money. How they afforded their rings is none of my business. I also don’t ask or tell how much my ring or their ring is.
Post # 4
I don’t think so. I know some of my FI’s colleagues got their wives what I consider giant honkers just because they’re in a certain high income bracket, but then others of his colleagues, that make the same as the latter, spent one or two weeks’ wages. Mine is in the middle. It doesn’t really imply that my FI makes as much as he does, but I don’t really want to advertise the size of his paycheck, that seems icky to me. And clearly we’re in good company with other couples in the same bracket who didn’t choose to either. It’s normative enough among his colleagues that it isn’t something that is judged (as far as I know).
Post # 5
I’m in her situation. I’m sure people wonder. I don’t think people “judge” although his mother was obviously concerned when she realized how much he spent. Finances are personal, and I think it’s tacky to advertise how much you or your SO makes. No one needs to know the cost of my ring, or its value, so I haven’t told anyone. People can guess. If they choose to judge, it’s on them. I got the ring I wanted and that made sense based on my tastes and personality. People were expecting it, so that helped I guess.
Post # 6
People shouldn’t judge but they will. If your fiance is a doctor, friends may not know how much money he makes but they will assume he make a lot based on his occupation. Some will judge if the ring is less expensive, if they felt he can afford to give you a nicer ring. I had a friend of mine who recently got engaged and her ring looks pretty expensive. I’m not sure how much it cost and I would not dear ask but everyone was wondering how the hell can he afford a ring like that. I guess some people wonder if they were silly enough to go in debt for a ring I guess.
Post # 7
My stone is an heirloom and my FI could not have afforded it, but once I get to NYC it might be considered small! I’m sort of worried about people judging his job/income in NYC in general, but that may be my own warped expectations.
Post # 8
@foz: That behavior is typical of younger brides and their friends. At some point, you stop talking about occupations, income and stop counting other people’s money (hopefully).
I’ve never discussed how much my ring cost with people, I’ve never disclosed how much (or how little) we paid for the wedding, we don’t discuss finances with anyone. We just bought a house and the question that keeps coming up is “how much was it?” The answer we’ve given has always been a derivative of “none of your business” to everyone (parents included). I’m a huge proponent of keeping people out of your business.
Post # 9
I don’t care how people spend their money..and how they manage to buy this or that..it is not my business….so I consider it unacceptable and rude to ask these kinds of questions..and judge..
People have different priorities…some people want to live in a small apartment but buy a huge 50k engagement ring..others want to buy a huge house and a $500 ring…some people make millions of dollars and eat in macdonalds..while others make little money and save on everything..but manage to buy expensive organic groceries at Whole Foods..none of it is my or anybody else’s business…
Post # 10
@foz: I’m sure people do judge, since we are both students & my ring is rather nice (it is a moissy tho, so people might assume it’s a diamond even though I am open about it being moissy).
Honestly though, I don’t care. I didn’t pick the ring as a status symbol or for any other reason than my own enjoyment & loving the size & style.
Post # 12
I’m pretty young with a 1ct moissy, and people always seem sort of surprised when they meet FI. If I had to guess, I’d say they suspect I’m marrying someone older (since nobody gets married in their early 20s in our community anyways), and FI looks younger than we are.
Post # 13
My husband was working night audit at a hotel when he bought my ring. I’ve only once been asked about how much he spent. And frankly I don’t know how much he spent and I don’t care.Things like that just don’t matter to me. I feel in love with him not the ring even though I do love it.
Post # 14
Thanks for the input Bees! I guess I’ll just have to see what happens when the time comes. I definitely will not be disclosing the price if people ask. I’ll just play dumb and pretend I don’t know. I only confided in my sister and BFF since they asked and we tell each other everything…I’ve learned!
Post # 15
Lots of people are judgemental. Like to gossip. It is a fact of life.
TRUTH THAT SETS YOU FREE
In reality it is no one’s business but their own WHAT they have, or HOW they paid for it.
Some people save – some people get things given to them (ie heirloom ring or diamond) – some people go into major debt
And some people lie, fib or deceive.
UNLESS YOU HAVE A JEWELLER’S LOUPE HANDY there is NO WAY that the human eye can tell at a quick glance from a far WHAT is going on with a Woman’s ERing (be that a Diamond or a Gem)
It could be a Flawless Diamond… it could be a lesser one.
It could be a Mossy, a CZ, or a something else.
The perfect gem could just as well be synthetic, a piece of glass, plastic or “paste”
My best advice… don’t spend your time worrying about it. What is is.
Lol, I’m guessing with the trend towards bigger diamonds these days and fancier settings that there is a lot more *wink-wink nudge-nudge* going on than most will ever imagine. And it is really easy to pull off… there are tons of great looking “fakes” out there… look at the many sites that specialize in “stand ins / stunt doubles”, costume jewellery, or the stories of gals who said they’ve bought less now with the plan to upgrade later (and Jewellery Stores play this game as well… lot of Setting Displays the diamonds in the Setting are real, but instead of having a “traditional missing” feature diamond, they insert a CZ instead. So ya people buy those as is, with the plan to buy the expensive Diamond later on).
Truth is it is IMPOLITE TO ASK… IMPOLITE TO SUMMISE, and IMPOLITE TO GOSSIP
Post # 16
My FI is also a doctor (as am I) and I do wonder if people see my ring and think “oh no wonder, he must be loaded” Which is an assumption that bugs me – we’re pretty well off at the moment but not loaded, and before we moved to Australia our salary was much lower. My ring is pretty valuable and the stone is bigger than most of the rings I’ve seen (1.23 carat so not super massive, but I think rings in Ireland and Australia tend to be smaller than in the US).
However it didn’t cost him a huge amount as the diamond was left to him and his sister when his Mum died (his sister very sweetly told him to use it for my ring – I am blessed with my in laws!). If he didn’t have the stone my ring would probably been a lot smaller (I would have been fine with that, I would never want him to spend that much money on a ring)
I do feel a bit awkward when people comment on the ring, and I do sometimes feel like I have to explain that its an inherited diamond, even though people don’t usually comment about price.