Post # 1
let me start by saying that i am beyond excited for my wedding. i can’t wait. it is going to be my dream and i don’t want to change anything or take away from anything. and i have been dreaming about it for years before i even knew FI existed.
but ever wonder WHY? i mean, yes we know the wedding industry shoves so many things down our throat. and everyone says/knows the wedding is for the bride more than anyone else. which i can’t dispute. yes, some grooms want to be part of the planning and have ideas etc. but the reality is weddingbee and many other wedding websites are about 99% female dominated. another example is after talking to my wedding coordinator in Jamaica to set up a time to meet, she said i don’t even have to bring FI to the meeting as most of her brides don’t! because we will finalize things like cake and flowers and decor.
so yes, i always knew all this. then there is the money factor. i am a grad student and somehow i am justifying spending over $10 000 for ONE DAY! but when i go out for lunch with my co-workers on Tuesdays, i feel guilty if i spend more than $10 on a meal!
so one day a couple of months ago, when i was up to all hours re-working my honeymoon registry and picking BM bouquets, FI was in the bedroom and he kept calling me to come to bed. he was in the mood so to speak and wanted me off the computer! so finally i went to bed. and we were lying in bed and he looked right into my eyes with that look i ADORE because all i see is his love for me. and it hit me right then: Here we are, in our crappy little apt. and i am as happy as i can be! and when it comes to our wedding night, i will be wearing my expensive wedding lingerie that i bought to make everything more perfect after enjoying our perfect, dreamt of forever, wedding day…but then i realized that what will make that night special for me is if FI looks at me with that look in his eyes. that’s all i really want or need to be happy. so when this realization hit, i started laughing. i couldn’t stop. i had tears coming out of my eyes from laughing so much. FI thought i really lost it and all he could do was laugh with me. and through my laughter and tears i said to him something like “i just realized that none of it matters, all that matters is i get to be with you forever and right now i already know i have that – so why the f*** are we spending all this money and obsessing over these details? – none of it really matters!”
then the next day, i went back about my obsessions of flowers, centerpieces, shoes, and veils. but sometimes i still have that thought in the back of mind….WHY am i wasting so much money on this?!
Post # 3
I think this all the time too! I have never really been one to care or even think about weddings much until I started trying to plan this one, but somehow, despite me always having thought weddings are silly and a waste of money, I am having one and spending lots of money on it.
As long as the things which cost the most are the things which matter the most, you are doing ok. For me, the photography is most importat, because it is the only thing you take away after it’s all over (other than all the official stuff and a husband!), and the venue/vibe. We wanted to create a wedding which WASN’T weddingy, which unfortunately meant we had to spend money on a venue in order to make our wedding look casual (backwards, I know). But this was important to us. So in the end, although we would be just as married (and significantly richer) if we went to the registry office and signed the papers, we are happy with our choices. Hopefully, even after it’s all over, you will be happy with yours as well!
Post # 4
Eh, I begged DH just to go to the City Hall or fly out to Vegas. I honestly couldn’t care less about having a wedding. It was really super important to him to have an actual wedding, with our friends and family there. I’m glad we did it, but at the end of the day all I cared about actually being married.
And yet, our wedding was 5 and a half months ago and I’m still hanging around a wedding site…
Post # 5
I have these thoughts all the time. FI & I have been together 5 years, and for the past three the popular question for us was “When are you getting married?”. I was never one to dream about getting married, weddings, dresses, rings, flowers etc. Never sat around wondering when he’d ask- I just wasn’t in any rush. We were in love & I was happy with the way things were.
When he asked me November of last year, that all changed. It’s now all I can think about. FI’s mother said to me “Rachel, you know the wedding is really all about the bride and what she wants”. My first reaction was No, it’s about both of us. But she was right- I mean, he’s not spending hours on WB, right? He’s not picking colors, flowers, etc, wearing a diamond, etc etc etc. Hell, he’s asking my permission on what he can wear!
We’re doing a small casual wedding on the beach, which will still ring in at around $8-$9k. (My “budget” keeps getting higher as more planning gets done ugh!) I can think of several better ways to spend this money, as we are not wealthy people by any means- putting it into home improvement, savings, planning for children etc. I am very frugal, so it’s hard for me not to cringe at the thought of spending that amount of money on one day. BUT (and I know this sounds cliche) this is one of the most important days of our lives, it should be special for us. We’ll never get to do it again, and I want the memories, photos, everything! I want to see our parents ball thier eyes out at our ceremony & our family members make touching speeches at dinner. I want a day to celebrate because we’re pledging our lives to one another forever, a day where a big stupid smile never leaves my face! So now I’ve rambled, but my point is I understand your feelings completely, but in the end I believe it’s all worth it
Oh, and I’m jealous of your Jamaica wedding 🙂
Post # 6
I feel like this all the time too. 25k on a one day, people are literally coming from around the world to be there and if they don’t, i’m a little offended, i need to warn people of it months in advance and then invite them about 2 months in advance, buy things more expensive than i could ever justify on any other day.. its silly! but i wouldn’t change a thing! i’ll always look back on my wedding at know it was perfect, i’ll enjoy the day more than any other day (hopefully), and its my dream!
Post # 7
I think that every single day. the only reason we are going their route is we do like to throw parties.
Post # 8
@Mrs Sarah McK: “Eh, I begged DH just to go to the City Hall or fly out to Vegas. I honestly couldn’t care less about having a wedding. It was really super important to him to have an actual wedding, with our friends and family there. I’m glad we did it, but at the end of the day all I cared about actually being married.“
Ditto, this. SO seems to think that not having a ‘real’ wedding is a cop-out (his words, not mine), though. He’s also said that if we’re going to do it, we have to do it ‘right’. LOL, I feel like the male in this situation..
Post # 9
@brighteyedgirl: Seriously! One of my favorite exchanges:
Me: Honey, we’re having is pretty small, and pretty casual Sunday afternoon wedding. What do you think about just wearing a suit instead of a tux?
DH: NO! I have to wear a tux! IT’S TRADITION!
Me: Honey, I’m thinking about using silk flowers. I can’t stomach the idea of paying a fortune for something that’s going to die in a few days.
DH: NO! You have to have real flowers. IT’S TRADITION! (This one I won.)
Post # 10
When we got in an almost fight with FMIL about plus-ones. I still don’t think we are done with that one but my goodness she is stuck on that. It’s not what I want, it’s what FH and I decided was best for us and the budget. I’m sorry FBIL started dating someone last month, they do not fall under our “year long, engaged, married” umbrellla of a plus one no matter how much you want him to get married- he’s only my age, he has quite a while before you have any reason to “panic”!
Those sort of discussians and the minute logistics question our sanity. FH and I have discussed eloping but my parents made it very clear that they would be very dissapointed. 4 months to go, 4 months to go…
Post # 11
Women spend gobs of money on their wedding because we love social events and our wedding is THE social event of our life! That said, those of us who are happy just being together with our groom-to-be, with or without the grand wedding, are the ones who are getting married for the right reasons!
Post # 12
@Mrs Sarah McK: Yeah, I have since gotten involved and excited but I wanted a JOP. This all started from my fiances desire to have something for his family
Post # 13
I too think this everyday. I feel so guilty thinking about all of the things I could spend 10-15K on and it makes me absolutely sick. For me at least, I feel like I am doing it for other people more than myself. Certain people in the family think that in order for the wedding to be nice, it has to be expensive and bought. DIY is not very popular in my little circle and I’ve been getting condescending looks for even contemplating DIY some aspects. I’ve decided to just do it and watch them admire it later. When people ask for details anymore, I just say “we have a while, and haven’t made any decisions”.
I am more excited about being married than the actual wedding. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited for our wedding, it is just that other things are more important than the “party” part.
I am so happy to see so many lovely ladies (and gentlemen) on these boards with “abstract” ideas that don’t follow the traditional wedding plan. It gives me inspiration that a beautiful wedding doesn’t have to cost as much as a new car.
Post # 14
Yes, I think this all the time! Any time the budget comes up, actually. It blows my mind how much this is going to cost, and we are by no means spending what would be considered a lot for a wedding these days. I think we’ll end up spending around 10 to 15,000. In wedding terms, that’s not a ton. But when I break it down to how long it actually takes to earn 15K, and think about the other things that money could be spent on, I can barely stand it!
Post # 15
There are some things in life worth making a big deal out of. Because you love each other so much, are committing to each other and want to share your happiness is why we go through the bother. What degree of bother is a really personal thing. While some of the party-planning details really stressed me out sometimes, I’m really glad I did it.
Post # 16
Oh my gosh, I feel the exact same way! Thank you for writing this post. It is just what I needed to read this morning. Last night my FI and I were talking about our wedding budget and how difficult it is going to be for us to swing everything. I think I first fell in love with the picture of a wedding and how I thought it was supposed to be. But now I realize how much of a financial strain planning a wedding can be on two people almost complete with their grad degrees and the piles of loan debt that go with it.
But whenever I look into his eyes and see how much he loves me. And I think about how thankful I am that we chose each other to love for life, my worries about the ridiculousness of spending so much money on one day start to fade away. Yes, we still think it’s a little crazy to spend this much money, and I realize now we didn’t really need to do the “traditional-style” wedding. But I’m so happy we get to celebrate our love with our family and friends this way. And at the end of the day, I know all that really matters is that we get to be husband and wife. The rest is just icing on the cake.