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I'm still confused as to why some people don't give gifts or money to the bride and groom. It happened at my wedding and many others have mentioned it on here as well.
If anyone out there has gone to a wedding and not brought a gift, can they explain why?
I understand if people have travelled from another country or to a destination wedding - but the local folk who don't bring anything puzzles me.
Surely if you were that broke, you could still buy a card and a $10 gift?!
I did not buy my sister in law (then boyfriend's sister) a gift when I attended her wedding.
I was 21, stupid, and assumed my date (now husband) had taken care of it- we had been seeing each other for about a month. Luckily she's super cool.
I have always given a gift, if I attend the wedding; however, I know a lot of people don't. Guests aren't required to bring a gift. Some guests thing that by showing up and offering their support in your marriage is gift enough. Also, for some people $10.00 could be their gas to get to work the following week. With the economy the way it is right now and with so many people out of work, people are more strapped than ever for cash to pay their bills, let alone travel or purchase non-necessities.
One of my best friends had a destination wedding and specifically told us gifts were not required since attending was so expensive. It cost us about $4,000 to attend and cash was tight at the time so we didn't buy the couple a gift. Now I'm thinking baout getting them something nice as a 1st anniversary present but did not feel guilty about not bringing a wedding gift. Should I have brought a gift? She gave us a generous wedding gift as well as planned my bachelorette day which makes me feel guilty.
@slicey19: I think the fact you travelled so far to the destination wedding certainly means that a gift is not necessary! I completely understand why one wouldn't bring a gift in that circumstance.
FI and I are guilty of this. We were both in our best friends wedding last year. With all the stress of packing the car to make sure we weren't missing anything bridal party related, we totally forgot their card/monetary gift at home. I felt pretty terrible, like I had committed a serious faux pas. We eventually gave it to them like 6 months later (which was the next time we saw them). I think my situations a little different since I did actually get them a gift, just forgot to give it to them but I still felt super tacky!
Once, I didn't get the couple a gift. I was 20 years old, unemployed for the winter, and broke. I was mortified about it and was talking to the bride's sister about how I didn't even want to show up without a gift. And she said "Are you crazy? I know that [her sister] would much rather have you there without a gift than have you not come because you can't afford one."
So I went. I think I finally bought them a gift like a year later, but I felt really bad about it, and still do.
I pesronally have never not given a gift, but I have always been in a financial position to be able to give one. I had one guest not give me a gift at my wedding, but I still thanked him for coming. I didn't care--frankly i knew he was dirt poor, just graduated college, and was going through a very tough spot in life.
DH brought me to a wedding (way before we were engaged) and the bride and groom said "no gifts needed!". They got married on the beach before he joined the Army. Anyways, DH didn't buy a gift. I was completely mortified and rode his ass for it, but he didn't think it was a big deal since he was told by the groom himself to not bother with a gift. Still bugs me!
I voted "no" but thats only kind of true. For a few cousins' weddings when I was younger (late teen or very early 20s) I didn't get a gift but that is kind of the norm in our family. Until you're out of college you always sign onto your parents card/gift... its just what we've always done because there are a lot of us. And actually at my shower last weekend I had my 4 cousins (age 22, 25, 27, and 29... two of whom are married) sign onto their mom's gift.... so yea I don't really feel badly about it :)
Once! It was my PhD Supervisor's wedding and he stipulated no gifts from his students (because he knows we are strapped for cash).
But I still came to the wedding with a card in hand!
@CorgiTales: That's the same way with my family in Columbus. At my two cousins' weddings I didn't receive my own invitation and signed onto my parents' gift.
But for non-family weddings, I have given gifts. At one, I didn't realize that the bridal shower was when to give wedding gifts, so I actually gave two.
The first wedding I attended without my parents I didn't even think to give a gift, I was young and just didn't know any better :/ Then FH and I attended his friends wedding and we didn't give a gift. I didn't even know we were going to a wedding (it was a last min decision) so we didn't have a gift. Since those though I've been better :)
I did and I'm ashamed to admit it. I was in a long term relationship for 7 years and we broke up. The next day, was my sisters best friends wedding. I got dressed, puffy faced, and everything because my parents insisted it would be better for me to go to the wedding and give my ex-SO time alone. (I did the ending) I was so obsessed with myself that I never even thought about the gift.
We had family members who didn't bring gifts or even a card to our wedding. We didn't get married to get gifts, but a card from our siblings/aunts/uncles would have been nice.
Have I ever done it? No. Because that's who I am and I can't really help myself.
Having said that, I don't think it's a big deal if other people do. As brides, we know we aren't inviting people for the gifts, we're inviting them to celebrate with us. Beyond showing up and acting appropriately throughout the event, I don't consider guests to have any other obligation.
Edited to point out in the interest of full disclosure, that we are encouraging our guests not to bring gifts so they don't feel a sense of obligation. I'm not having any showers either. That's also who I am. (I know, double standards right? I can't help myself.)
I've always brought a gift. Right out of college I chipped in with friends for a present and in hindsight I wish I'd bought my own gift as I don't feel I spent as much as I should have. That said, I've always been in a financial position to give a gift.
I went to a wedding last year and didn't take a gift. For the shower I re-gifted a cook book that, thank God, the bride loved. I was B.R.O.K.E. and selling personal items to pay off student loans that I couldn't defer. I had just used all my savings to move 5 hours away and then move back a month later. I think I bought a card, but nothing was in it.
I have always taken cash (the universal present) but at my wedding over 70% of the guests didn't feel like they needed to bring us anything. IMO it was completely tasteless as some of them were close family members didn't even have the decency to bring a card :/
**cough cough I'm lookin at YOU grandma!**
I would never go to a wedding without a gift, but that's me. I'd rather not go if I couldn't afford a gift because I wouldn't want that burden on the bride and groom. Or I would come to watch the ceremony, but not go to the reception if I truly couldn't afford to.
One occasion I didn't buy/give a gift. It was a friends second wedding (hers and the hubbys both). She insisted she didn't need anything so for once, I listened and didn't get anything. I went to her first babys baby shower, helped put together the second babys shower and have attended both kids bdays with gift in hand. I invited her to my wedding shower and she didn't come. I'm glad I didn't get her a wedding gift now.
The only reason I wouldn't give a gift is if I'm physically unable to afford one. The first wedding I went to was my best friend's. I was her MOH. My husband and I probably spent about $100 or more in gas just to get there, which was pretty much all the money we had. It was that and the fact that she told me that I didn't have to bring one.
The other one that I didn't was again a money issue. We live in town and probably wouldn't have gone except for the fact that she is one of my husband's good friends, and she was moving shortly after. It was one of his last chances to see her. My husband and I fully intend to send her a gift when we can afford it.
I've never not given a gift. I understand peoples financial situation that they might not be able to afford to give you anything. i just think all people should at least give a card.
I ALWAYS give a gift if I attend a wedding. If you can't give a gift, and we never expected them, AT LEAST give a card. The thought of something is far better than nothing at all. I was baffled by those (very close friends, even some family) who didn't even give a card to wish us well. This was the most important day of our lives & to not acknowledge that, I thought was offensive & pretty tacky.
Not everyone can purchase a card or a $10 gift card. I went to a period of time where I was about to have NO money at all and couldn't even pay some bills. I went to a wedding and couldn't afford a card as I had to afford to travel out of state, but the bride was just happy I could come. My gift to them (as I'm still working on is a scrapbook of their wedding). But that will be about $80 when all said and done.
I guess my point is no I don't agree with it, but I do think that given the economy and certain situations and if they had relayed to you whether you were going to get one or not is a different story. You never know there might be a time where you are in the same situation, so I wouldn't judge. I had constant communication with the bride.
You know, now that I think of it, we did this recently. We went to an out of town wedding for one of FI's friends. Not that this matters one bit but his friend married into a very, very wealthy family. We were told by the groom to not give them a gift as they have everything that they need. However, they did so much for us over the course of the weekend that I still feel guilty about it. I hope I can make it up to them going forward.
The only wedding I didn't get the couple a gift for was a wedding of 2 of my friends right out of high school. I was 18 and stupid, it didn't even occur to me, I don't even know if they were registered (it was a bit rushed ahem.) I did feel bad about it when I attended the next wedding a few years later, and realized that gifts are the norm.
Personally, never.
I don't know, I know many bees agree completely with guests not brining gifts, and say that its perfectly fine....
But personally, I just think its kind of rude. I understand people are in certain financial situations but even a 5 dollar gift or card would be better then no gesture at all.
We had a good chunk of ppl who came 100% empty handed and it kind of rubbed us the wrong way, e well!
i wish you had the option: bought a gift for the bridal shower, but not the wedding.
i spent $3000 to go to New Zealand to be a bridesmaid. Because myself and the other BMs were travelling the same, the couple insisted we do not get them a gift. I was also a student and scrounging every penny i had to make the trip. I also bought a gift off the registry for the bridal shower. For the wedding, I bought a card, but not an additional gift. Under those circumstances, I thought it was okay. Under almost any other circumstances, i would never dream of attending a wedding without giving at least a $50 dollar gift (i will likely give more when i make more money one day).
I have never done it but Mr. M and I are very lucky that we have good jobs so we can afford to. Back when I was in college and broke as hell I probably would have not brought a gift just because it would have been the differnce between eating and not eating that week.
I guess I can understand when someone has no money for a gift, and I'm sure a bride and groom would realize that and not be offended. But a card is not too much to ask! You could scrounge up loose change to buy a card. Or make one for heaven's sake. It's about the thought.
I don't understand when (well-off) family members don't even give a gift though. That truly baffles me.
Well I’ve shown up to two weddings without gifts. The first was my cousin’s wedding and I was pretty strapped for cash since I had to fly from California to Canada for the wedding and I wasn’t sure if my mom had already taken care of it (I probably should have asked)
The second was my FI’s friend’s wedding. My FI was in the bridal party (one of the groomsmen) and had already shelled out a lot of money on a new suit and hotel/dinner/drinks/boat rental for the bachelor party that he ended up organizing. Plus since we are fairly close with this friend, we’ve taken him on nearly every major trip we’ve been on for the last few years.
So we’ve taken him (and his ex-girlfriend) to Arizona. Him and one of his friends to Hawaii. Him and his current wife to Lake Tahoe (when my FI proposed!). And back to Tahoe again this last year (without his wife).
I originally had plans on getting a card the day of the wedding, but I had my hair done that morning and the stylist took off a foot of hair without my permission, so I spent most of my afternoon crying and not doing anything productive.
I'm of two minds about it - I've always given a gift, but at the same time I don't think there should be an obligation to do so. I don't like that weddings have become so synonymous with GETTING STUFF. It should be about sharing/witnessing a rite of passage. I certainly won't be offended if some of our guests don't get us anything (especially because we're not registering and we're telling people that their presence is all the gift we could hope for!).
I have; it was actually a wedding for my then bf, now FI's cousin. Despite the fact that I had met their family and that I was living with bf, he was invited with "and guest". I let him be responsible for the gift/card/whatever he wanted to do. But he was a guy and didn't think to take care of it, so we ended up not bringing anything.
The only time I haven't given a gift was a destination wedding that my husband and I spent over $2,000 to go to. Seriously - our presence was their gift! We got them a nice card and wrote them a long letter about how much they meant to us, though!
@mightywombat:I totally agree with you. I completely apologize if this is getting off topic but I really hate that commecial, I think it's for Chase bank, where it's the bride and groom on their wedding night laying in bed, still dressed up and all they want to do is deposit the checks they received that day. Do I think it's pretty sweet that you can deposit a check but snapping a picture and sending it to the bank? Yes. But I feel like that commercial confirms the stereotype that people only get married for the gifts.
I've never not given a gift and I honestly wouldn't even feel comfortable showing my face at a wedding where I did not bring a gift. I was raised that that is proper ettiquette and that the is no excuse to not get the B&G something.
Yes, I was invited to their ceremony and after the reception for dessert and drinks.
I did show up for her bridal shower and helped them by making some hors d'oeuvres and cupcakes and helped them setup and clean so I also pitched in on a group gift so I figured that would cover it....
Ok.... I have to admit I pulled the no gift move before... but not intentionally!! It was literally the first wedding I had ever went to for a friend I grew up with (I was 20 at the time and came home from college) and I had no idea about wedding ettiquette. When I came home afterwards my mom asked me what I gave them and I had no clue what she was talking about. MORTIFIED! Needless to say we sent a hefty gift out to them the following Monday and it's actually something that they all joke around with me about 8 years later! :)
....I have never forgotten a gift since!
Yes. It was a really laid-back wedding (this was years ago, I would never not get something for them or make something for them now) and they were just college friends. We camped on the ground outside and dogs were running around and we had a campfire (if you get the picture). Another time I went with a friend to her friend's wedding, and I didn't have a gift, but I arrived the day before and early the day-of and helped these people (that I didn't even know) set up chairs and cook and put things together and decorate and entertain family, etc. So, at least I helped. That too was very laid-back (camping again).
Yes I have. I was actually in the wedding and was broke as a joke to begin with. I had to fly down there, rent a car, etc. Then my wallet was stolen during the ceremony.
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