Post # 1
Just wondering, bees, if you ever find yourself tired of compromising, tired of sacrificing for the sake of the relationship? I understand all relationships take compromises and there are things that you will have to deal with that you just can’t change but I was wondering if anyone ever finds themselves feeling that way. I want to be with him and I am aware that he is probably the best thing that has happened to me. He is as committed as I am but I can’t help feeling like it would be easier to just be single. But, at the same time, I can’t imagine being without him.
Am I alone here?
Post # 3
Oh no. No, of course you’re not alone (actually, I think it was Miss Seahorse that did a post on this). Sometimes I think about what single life was like and I remember how much simpler it was. I had the run of EVERYTHING in my life, of my finances and my time. But then, like you, I think about how awesome it is to be with him and I think about how much I’ve learned about myself and about humanity by being in this relationship. It’s worth it 🙂
Post # 4
Don’t ever stay with somebody just because you can’t imagine it any other way. If you really want to be single, you should be single. Single life is fun! If you have found somebody that you are willing to give that up for and move on to the next phase of your life, you will be glad to sacrifice. If it’s not worth it to you – and be honest with yourself – don’t do it. You might just want to be single deep down inside, at least for a little while longer. Nothing wrong with that.
Post # 5
I sometimes just want some time by myself! A night to do my hair, nails, and watch bad tv. It can be hard to get those moments when you live together.
Even in bad times in our relationship, I cannot imagine my life without him. He completes my life and while I don’t get to go out dancing with my friends as much anymore, I am not 21 anymore either!
Why not plan a single girls night with your friends? Go out for dinner, go out to a bar or a club and have some girl chat and dance. You don’t have to actually be single to enjoy the good parts of it!
Plus, think about the realities of actually being single – dealing with guys hitting on you, coming home to an empty house every night, trying to make ends meet on a single income! The grass isn’t always greener.
Post # 6
What kind of compromises/sacrifices are bothering you, specifically? Being single can be “easier” in some ways, I guess, but I don’t think I really see it that way in my relationship.
Having SO with me helps me out in so many ways, both logistically, emotionally, and otherwise. I just really enjoy and value having him as a partner, and there’s not a whole lot that’s difficult about my life with him. I definitely have never felt like I was “fighting for the relationship.” I think the most successful relationships are pretty much drama-free…
But as far as sacrifices, I think the biggest thing would be that I do sometimes wish I could have a little bit more privacy when I felt like it. We live in a really small place together right now and there isn’t another separate room I can go to if I wanted to just spend some time by myself. But I wouldn’t say it’s that huge of a sacrifice or an issue really. How long have you two been together btw?
Post # 7
@littlemissmango: We’ve been together for about 4.5 years now. I find us having the same arguments over and over. I feel at this point that either one of us has to just “deal with it” or move on. I didn’t mean to sound as if I was staying because I’m afraid to be alone. That’s not it. I’m just at a point where I feel like he just doesn’t get it. And perhaps I don’t get him either.
Specifically, an issue that has always been present for me is his yelling during our disagreements. I don’t feel threathened but it hinders communication because I just don’t want to deal with it. He feels that I am controlling because I like to know where he generally is and what time I can expect him back. Our arguments pretty much go nowhere.
Post # 8
I forgot to add that I am just trying to get perspective on other couples. I have always seen marriage as difficult and never bought into the idea that everything is perfect in marriage. So I’m wondering whether this is normal disagreements or is marriage really much easier than I think. Is it realistic to think that you’ll only be happy 75-85% of the time in marriage?
Post # 9
Yup. Felt that way. And got out of that relationship. I used to think relationships were with difficulties and stress and yadda yadda. Then I met someone LIKE me with the same values, and it’s pretty much smooth sailing. Yeah, sure, there is the occasional fight or compromise, but it’s not some huge stressful throwdown, and in general, we’re happy.
Maybe that’s not what you want to hear…but I know one thing is definitely true: love can not be the only thing to keep two people together. As much as it hurts to say that… I know, because I found out the hard way.
Best of luck to you sweetie.
Post # 10
OMG! I’ve been there done that @jjilyeah: The most important thing you can do is look at the situation from a far. Is what you’re really fighting about worth it? Sometimes you have to accept that person as is. Good or bad. Especially if he has the majority of what you are looking for in a partner. There is something called the “80/20” rule. In most healthy successful relationships/marriages you’re only going to get 80% of what you need. That 20% of what you don’t have looks tempting because you’re missing that at home. But as another Bee said the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Would you rather have 80% or 20%? Ask yourself. You’re just at a slum right now. It will pass. You sound like a good person and your guys sounds like a good guy. Try to turn “arguments” into discussions. NO INTERUPTIONS. Let each person talk and vent. NO YELLING. Ask yourself on some small issues is it easier to compromise on those or keep arguing? You have to pick your battles. Don’t argue and bicker over every little thing.
I can tell you from experience that if you are a bit on the fence about staying or leaving then you need to stay. Just because you haven’t given your all. The reason I say this is because as women when we are fed up we are fed up. No one can tell us differently. I’m sure you’ve had relationships where you just said forget it and left. That’s because you were 100% sure it would not work. I like to know I’ve given 110% and have no doubt in my mind before I leave a relationship. That way I look back with no regrets. It doesn’t sound like you are there yet. Don’t leave or stay on emotion.
If your arguments are going no where. Stop arguing until you can have discussions. I think alone time needs to be 3 to 1. So in a month a man should hang out no more than 1 weekend with friends. Same for women. He should inform you where he is going and what time he is going to be in period! My guy and I have a ‘curfew’. Basically get in the house by 2am. Otherwise the doors will be locked 🙂 Unless there is something that was agreed on prior. Sometimes guys just go out to a bar or club then go eat, etc. Don’t pester him about it. If you trust him what’s the problem? Let him inform you once then after that don’t keep asking. Trust that the next day he will tell you about his night.
Post # 11
@PrettySedity: Thanks. I actually trust him completely. I don’t want to pester him but he will say I’ll be home in 10 minutes and not show up for 2 hours! I don’t think he’s out doing anything sneaky but I just find that rude and inconsiderate. I really don’t care about the details of what he’s doing because I have no suspicions. He feels that I’m trying to control him. He doesn’t understand the need to check in.
Post # 12
@jjilyeah: I totally agree with you. That is not okay. Telling me 10 minutes and then it being 2 hrs is so inconsiderate. It’s selfish. Because you have me thinking one thing so after 30 minutes I start to worry and that’s not fair. I’ve been there. So if your guy is anything like mine he’ll get it. It’s sometimes like beating a dead horse but it will happen eventually.
This doesn’t work for everybody but I did the same thing to him once. I went out on a limo excursion with a friend for her bday. All girls. I didn’t come home until 4a. He hated that. So after that he kind of straightened up. He actually didn’t go out for awhile after that. haha. But communication seems to be the problem with his timing issue. Let him know that control and respect have two different definitions. He must respect you if he expects to get the same in return. That’s a part of being in a relationship. I wouldn’t say “checking in” to a man. It’s just a pride thing. Let him know to keep you “informed”. If he told you he would be home in 10 minutes and see’s that it will be 20 minutes he needs to text you (I love technology) and tell you that. THEN once he gets home that night or the next morning an explanation is necessary. Guys just don’t like to seem “whipped” in front of their friends. I’ve learned that that’s a testosterone thing and we can’t change that. I hope this helps 🙂
Post # 13
I think the issues you mentioned (yelling, not letting you know when he’ll be late) are things that could be improved if you approach them in another way. While there are supposedly “unresolveable” issues in every marriage (according to this John Gottman book I read) – I don’t think these types of things are what he’s talking about. The unresolveable issues are things that are core to your/his person – like, the wife is very introverted and doesn’t like to go to parties, and that bothers the husband because he wants to socialize as a couple. Things that are unlikely to ever really change because they aren’t the types of things a person can consciously decide to change in themselves.
What if you met with a relationship counselor by yourself to get their thoughts on different ways you could approach these issues? I don’t even think you necessarily need to go to therapy together. It would just be good for you to hear fresh ideas about how to get around these things that are bothering you.
Post # 14
This is a tough situation. If I ever really thought about why my ex boyfriend and I broke up, it’s that the situation just got too much. Too many fights, hurt feelings… sometimes there IS a point of no return where you can’t forget or forgive anymore . I chose to leave him (and he was a great guy and I know that we could have FORCED a marriage to work, but we were too young to have to make that choice). I really didn’t think I’d find someone again and I was okay with that.
What I’ve learned though is that relationships aren’t that difficult. Sure some days might suck, but overall they’re amazing and I’m convinced that everyone is entitled to that.
Ask youself if you’d be okay with your relationship for the rest of your life? Marriage doesn’t get better than dating.
Post # 15
I will say that marriage will not automatically fix any problems you are having. It might make you both feel more secure in the relationship and release some tension, but if you are starting out with communication problems, you will still have them after you say “I Do”.
And I see what you mean about being single, but for me at least the benefits outweigh the costs. I can no longer run out and spend $5K on clothes in one day without answering to anyone (not that I ever did that before, but you catch my drift). But I am now more responsible about $ and saving towards a home with the love of my life in order to drastically improve our quality of life. So to me, it’s worth it.
Post # 16
Been there done that.. Is he atleast making a effort to change the habits that annoy you? If he is not making a effort to change he is basically saying I don’t care about you; and if he doesn’t care what is the point of trying to make it work?