(Closed) every bride to be's worst nightmare

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@ls2013:  I’m sorry! Unless you’re really spending a lot of money, it sounds like he’s being a bit selfish. If something (like a wedding) is important to one partner, and the other can take it or leave it, it’s not fair for the ambivalent individual to call the shots.

I would make sure he’s not having second thoughts about the relationship as a whole, and then calmly explain why a wedding and marriage are important to you and why you want to go through this with him. Having told everyone about your plans is not a very strong reason to push forth, because you should make him feel like his thoughts are more important than other people’s. However, it sounds like it’s also very important to you, and he should value that highly. You still have a lot of time, and if spending is the biggest problem, I would try to downsize plans wherever possible to ease his worries. 

I also wouldn’t worry so much about what others would think. With a wedding that’s so far out, people shouldn’t be surprised when changes happen. Make this a conversation about you and him, and finding the best thing to do for your relationship. 

Post # 4
Member
6207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

Wow he is being really selfish and that is not very appealing.  I would be having second thoughts =(

Post # 5
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

That’s a tough one…if I were you I’d be having a lot of trouble with the fact that he doesn’t just love you and want to make you happy and spend the rest of his life with you, and feel that way enough that of course he would marry you! I get that some people see it as a piece of paper and it’s not as important to them…but the fact that it’s so important to YOU isn’t enough to make him come around would be giving me serious second thoughts – and there is a difference between seeing marriage as a piece of paper and not really getting the point, and actively not wanting to get married, and from what he has said he’s in that second group. And even if he does say okay to getting married, then I’d still have it in the back of my mind if it’s something he really wants, or if he’s just doing it to shut me up, and if that is the case it will probably come back to you later and cause regrets.

 

How is your relationship outside of this issue? Does he seem fully invested in it? And what was the story with his ex, why did they get divorced and how is their relationship.his relationship with his child now? These things would affect my answer a bit, but when it comes down to it I’d make it clear to him that marriage is something you see in your future (and hello, the guy already proposed and let you start planning a wedding! At this point it’s just mean to tell you he doesn’t want to get married when nothing has changed in the situation), and it’s pretty much a non-negotiable like kids – you get married or you don’t, you have kids or you don’t. There really is’t any room for compromise there, and it’s going to be difficult to impossible to have a relationship last if you fall on different sides of those issues.

Post # 7
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think you have every right to have second thoughts. I think if I were in your situation I would call it quits, because he does not seem to be as invested in the relationship as you are and its unfair to have a one sided relationship. If you dont have the same goals and dreams it makes no sense to continue. You might as well call it quits now than wake up 2 or 3 years from now with him telling you that he never wanted to get married and you forced him to do it and now he just wants to be on his own blah blah blah. You dont want that to happen. I know it might be a little humiliating to tell people that its off but really getting married just to save face is not the answer when you could end up much more hurt in the end. Who knows… if he does have that conversation with you in the future you might already have kids and bought a house and moved somewhere else where you didnt have any friends or family. I think you really need to think about the future. You deserve someone who wants to marry you just as much as you want to marry them and I’m sure that person is out there.

Post # 10
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It’s silly to say marriage is just a piece of paper. There are a whole parcel of legal rights which go along with it. Do research online and talk to him about them, if you can afford it and feel it would be helpful, consult with a lawyer to find out how getting married will beneficially help you two. Yes, most only come into play in extreme circumstances (like that when you are married, upon death of one partner the other partner inherits without being subject to inheritance tax, while if unmarried the deceased partner’s assets WOULD be subject to inheritance tax before passing to the remaining partner) but if you are planning on spending the rest of your lives together, many of them are possibilities. So, yes, marriage is a lot more than just a piece of paper.

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm

 

With that said, you don’t need a big fancy wedding. But I wouldn’t marry him if he doesn’t take marriage seriously and thinks it is just a piece of paper.

Post # 11
Member
12250 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

That makes me sad! A man shouldn’t say “Fine I’ll marry you because you want it, now let’s go to the courthouse” He should be EXCITED! Even if he doesn’t care about it, he should be excited because it’s important to YOU!

Post # 12
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think you should neccessarily feel that it is a measure of his love and committment to you.  I am planning my second wedding and to be honest it is all so expensive, we are really starting to think about doing away with the wedding and just getting married!

I appreciate that this is your first time but perhaps get him to talk about why he feels the way he does without worrying about what other people will think – it is about the two    of you!

 

Post # 13
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@ls2013: You need to explain to him how inconsiderate he’s being. The difference between living together and being married isn’t a piece of paper. It’s the happiness and security of his partner (you) who wants marriage, and with whom he wants to spend his life. And like distracts said, there are legal perks too. They’re not huge, but there’s a reason they exist, and you might really have to count on them someday. 

Bottom line, if my partner told me a few thousand bucks and avoiding signing his name on a piece of paper were more important to him than my happiness in the relationship, I wouldn’t stick around. In his plan: he gets everything he wants (living and spending his life with you), and you get stopped short of what you want (no marriage). In your plan: he gets everything he wants plus a “meaningless” piece of paper to secure it, and you get what you want. It’s a no brainer, and the security (legal and emotional) for a lifetime is worth more than a few thousand to me.

If you told him this and he still doesn’t come around, I would assume he sees divorce in your future together, and I would re-evaluate the relationship. 

Post # 14
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Talk to him, he’s probably just freaking out over how you sound about it all.  Tell him what you want, and why, rationally; and get to the root of WHY he told you he would marry you and let you set a date, etc. if he really doesn’t want to be married.  Remind him that you’re not his ex.

Post # 15
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Honestly, from what you wrote, it sounds like he doesn’t believe in marriage and thus you guys were never on the same page. 

He has always said he doesnt really see the point of marriage as he says it doesnt change anything…

I asked him if he wants me to be his wife and he said he doesnt want to get married but he will do it for me. 

He sounds as excited about getting married to you as he is about doing some dreaded chore around the house that he doesn’t want to do but will do it for you anyway.  I think you should leave him and find yourself a man who WILL be excited to make you his wife.  Ask yourself, even if you did away with the wedding and just got married at the courthouse, would he still be happy to be married to you?

 

Post # 16
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Surely every girl deserves to have a guy want to marry them?
61% of Americans would agree so it’s the popular vote but
“39 percent of those polled in Time magazine study say marriage is obsolete”

or am I just being sensitive and irrational?
Nope you’re not, you’re expressing how you feel.

Just wondered what peoples thoughts were on all of this?
I think he didn’t want to get married. You did. So in the end I would say you two need to make some serious compromises to meet in the middle. If the compromises are too big to the point you would be unhappily married or unhappily together… to the point that the compromises overshadow your love for eachother then it’s time to consider seperating.

I like this quote from the article 8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage:
– “Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.”

Is it ok to get married becasue one person really wants it and the other person isnt bothered either way?
That is completely up to you, only you know if it’s ok for you if your married to a man who did it to make you happy and not because it’s what he wanted. It’s also up to you if its ok not to have a bigger wedding.

I don’t really think this guy is being selfish he is making a sacrifice. For a person who doesn’t believe in marriage to say ok I will marry you because it’s what you want is a sacrifice. Not everyone believes in marriage! His opinions, feelings and desires should be considered too.

You can try to make a few compromises. Make it more enticing for him, he doesn’t like tons of people he said that. I realize you cut the invitation list to 50… can you make it even smaller and more intimate for the ceremony? Maybe you can do it with just you two, your parents, and best friends? You can do it outside or wherever and still have a lovely dress. Possibly the 50 people could be invited to a reception of some sort afterward?

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