Everyone and their sister is getting engaged, and all I get is a bad waiting day

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
442 posts
Helper bee

@edepp2010:  How much of a dealbreaker is smoking for you? My boyfriend has done similar things and doesn’t tell me because he doesn’t want me to be upset with him. And of course like everyone else, I am more upset that he didn’t tell me than what he actually did. Would you be able to accept him smoking when he’s under a lot of stress or in a social setting (depending on if that’s where he’s slipped up) as long as he tells you? Because honestly it sounds like he’s not going to stop smoking every once in a while, and if he thinks you will freak out at him, he will continue lying. It sucks, but it’s better to suck it up and accept something you don’t like every so often rather than feel like he’s betraying you every time. It’s taken me and SO several arguments for this to finally sink in for him (honestly not sure if it has yet…he’s still so scared of me getting mad sometimes haha) but to me as long as it doesn’t become a habit again, it’s worth dealing with the bad behavior rather than the lying.


That, or you can work with him to develop better habits for coping when he’s stressed.

ETA: The way I see it, it’s like if me eating chocolate when I was stressed really bothered him and he wanted me to stop. For me, chocolate is that nice happy, stress relief that smoking is to him. You bet that I would slip up and eat chocolate at some point because life is hard, and sometimes that’s all I can do to make it better. 

Post # 5
1905 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I feel like you’re being pretty tough on him. There are worse things in the world that slipping up 2 or 3 times in a 3 year relationship than smoking a cigarette. I’m scared he will be afraid to come to you with things when he’s going through stressful or emotional things when it seems you have a very low tolerance level. 


Post # 6
8847 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@edepp2010:  I can relate, my husband is a social smoker who only smokes sometimes when he’s drinking at bars with other smokers… but unfortunately he’s a musician, so he’s in that situation fairly regularly.  

It’s easy to get really upset with him when he does this, but I try to remember all the times he’s NOT smoking.  If he’s doing what I want and what he said he’d do 99% of the time, I try to go easy on him the remaining 1% of the time. It’s an incredibly addictive behavior and honestly, it’s probably unrealistic to expect him to quit forever period.  (Something I’ve realized, much to my dismay, after many years of similar disappointments.) And anyway, lord knows I do things that he doesn’t like on occasion, too.

I know that technically he was deceiving you, but honestly, there’s no way in hell that someone in his position is going to confess that “I haven’t smoked in a year but I did once today” and open himself up to you throwing a fit.  i think all you can do is encourage him not to smoke, APPRECIATE him not smoking the vast majority of the time (I go out of my way to remember to thank my hubby for this), and forgive him if he slips up once in a while.

Or, if not – break up with him…

Good luck  xoxo

Post # 7
176 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think you’re being too tough at all. For someone who works in health, I understand that EVERY cigarette does damage in your lungs and all over your body. It is reasonable to ask the person you love to refrain from hurting themselves and therefore you, too. 

When it comes to substance or addictions, we are human and so we often forget about the realities of what we are doing. Or we justify it. Or we say ‘oh, but it doesn’t matter’, ‘it’s not so bad’ or, ‘it won’t happen to me’.

I know someone who had a heart attack because of her smoking, and then went right back to chain smoking some months later when the seriousness of it lost it’s impact on her. The human brain is like a sieve. Addictions are scary things. 

I would feel the same as you do at the moment because I feel strongly about it too.

These are the realities of smoking, like lung cancer and having to live like this (which yes, I actually came across a man the other day with a tracheostomy):


Post # 10
2687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

@cls9q:  +10000 I know it’s a big deal to OP, but if this is the worst thing that he does, she’s extremely lucky. I’d be worried that her behaviour would cause him to be afraid to go to her if he has an even bigger issue. 



@edepp2010:  If you’ve never smoked, you might not understand, but smoking is definitely an addiction. The fact that he could quit cold turkey is a huge deal, and obviously shows a lot about how much he cares for you and wanted to be with you. Relapes are extremely common, and I think you’re being extremely hard on him. If he smoked continuously for weeks or months at a time, then maybe I could understand leaving him for it, but it’s just a slip up two or three times in a 3 year relationship. That’s once a year. Maybe instead of being so hard, you can try to help relieve his stress and find something that will help him let go of his habit for good. In my mind, that’s what a supportive spouse does, and it definitely proves to him that you’re with him for the long run. You say you want to get married — what would have happened if you were married to him already? Would you have divorced him because of this? I think that’s something you have to think about in these situations. 

Post # 11
416 posts
Helper bee

Is it really any wonder that he would try to hide it? 

Here’s some advice. Don’t tell him you will leave, don’t tell him not to propose, unless you mean  it. Otherwise it’s just playing games and that is NOT fair. If you love him as much as you say, don’t manipulate to get him to do what you want. If you can’t handle being with someone who has an addictive personality leave. 

Post # 15
416 posts
Helper bee

@edepp2010:  if you want to help him productively manage stress, don’t tell him “I could very well leave you, and I might say no if you propose” because he isn’t doing what you want. That falls into a cycle of mutual manipulation on both sides, him with smoking, you with empty threats. If my partner threatened to leave me I’d say leave or don’t, I’m not going to be threatened with dumping. 

Hypnotherapy can help greatly in easing smoking addiction, as well as adopting a running schedule.

Post # 16
24 posts

Smoking is such an addictive habit.  My SO smokes and obviously been doing it for many years before I met him.   He used to smoke heaps of packets a week!  

I never said anything because it isn’t my problem if he wants to smoke.  What he wants to do to his body is his problem.   However this year we had a break from each other and he actually cut down on his smoking.

He does not smoke around me,  he goes outside and does it.  

I can not tell the the countless times I have seen my parents fighting over my father’s smoking.  My  mother gets stress and yells, berets him and I can imagine you doing the same.  My father feels guilty about it and has tried the patches, gums etc.

He can’t stop because of the addicting nature,  I have seen him hide his cigerettes around the house.  Even in the laundry! 

Your SO is doing well cutting down on it.    Just encourage him to keep cutting down.   If you keep going off at him because he has backed out on his promise to you for smoking he is going to be going to lengths to hide it from you.

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