(Closed) Everyone getting married/having babies. How to avoid feeling like it’s a race?

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Hey date twin! 🙂 I’m in a similar boat. I’m 27 and my husband is 32. I have a few close friends that have had kids, but ALL of his friends are married with at least one kid…some are working on baby 3 already. I feel a lot of pressure from his friends and family, which sucks because I’m just not there yet. I want to enjoy our marriage first and accomplish a few more career goals before having kids and I’m tired of explaining this, only to be told “You don’t want your husband to be an OLD DAD!” like it’s the worst thing in the world I could possibly do to him. I don’t have any good advice…but I sure can commiserate! 

Post # 5
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Be grateful you’re not the first to have kids– you’ll still get to have a few more years of adult only time. Then when it is you’re time you’ll get the good shower gifts (the practical ones, not the $200 dry clean only blanket), hand me downs, and wisdom from their experience.

Post # 6
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Focus on you and your Darling Husband and your game plan. It can feel like a race or a competition but at the end of the day the only two people that will be there is you and your Darling Husband. I have friends who got started dating the same week got married before us and already have two kids. I know if Darling Husband and I had done that we certainly wouldn’t have our house and some stability, I’d be begging my parents to let us move in with us lol.

Try to make a little time line for you are Darling Husband. Plan trips or adventures you want to take before you have kids that way you feel confident in your plan and if anyone asks you can always say it’s been our dream to go to x, after that we’ll have children.

Post # 7
1431 posts
Bumble bee

I totally understand. I really thought I’d want a lot of married time before considering kids but I do feel some pressure. Not so much from others but just because I’m not getting any younger and seeing other cute familes gives me baby fever but I also don’t feel ready to be that tied down with resonsibility either. When I’ve got baby on my brain I try and redirect my thoughts to saving money for a house instead.

Post # 8
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I hear you. This is pretty much the first year our friends have started having kids on purpose and all of a sudden I swear I hear of a new pregnancy every other week. It’s really hard because I love kids and I am pretty much totally ready, but H wants a few more months, plus we are in our early thirties so my clock has started ticking pretty loud, only H can’t seem to hear it! He wants a little more money saved up and another bonus under his belt, which I get, but sometimes when it is one cute baby after another, it is hard. 

I try (TRY) to focus on the positives, like spontinaity, planning fun vacations, sleeping in, and just being us instead of a family of three. We’ve been married for a year and a half and I’m glad we had this much time to just be us. 

Post # 9
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I completely understand!  A lot of my friends don’t have kids, but almost all of them got married before me.  Last summer, my sister announced that she was pregnant (she’s younger and got engaged and married before me).  I was pretty devastated, to be honest.  DH and I really wanted to start trying, but I was out of work and looking and my Darling Husband didn’t make enough money for either of us (especially me) to be comfortable with the idea of raising a little one.  I turned 32 this year, so that was definitely on the brain.  I was beating myself up for not having a job yet and for feeling like a complete failure.  It was…not good.

Two months later, he got a big raise.  I never did find a job, but am now 15 weeks pregnant.  It was the right time for us.

To get through last summer and fall, I just kept repeating that to myself…that it had to be the right time for US.  No one else could tell us when that was.  Did this work?  Not really.  LOL  What I found did was to accept that that’s how I felt, to realise that I didn’t have to be controled by my feelings, and that I could choose to focus on something else (like finding work!, my Darling Husband, friends and family, crafts, Christmas, whatever!).  This worked.  

It’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling.  It’s understandable.  What matters is what you do with those feelings.

Post # 10
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I feel the same way. I’m currently waiting for my SO to propose, so I feel the constant need to “keep up with the Jones'” I guess. I know it’s not a race and everything comes in time, but it’s so hard to feel satisfied when everyone around me is getting married and having children, two very important things to me. I’m starting to come to the realization that everything has a time, and my time just isn’t yet. One day I will have my wedding and beautiful children, and until that time comes I’ll live life to the fullest, enjoy my single-ish life and just the life I’ve made with my SO thus far. I think we are our own critics, and we put uneccesary expectations on ourselves. When the time is right for you and yoru Darling Husband everything will come together on your own terms.

Post # 11
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Darling Husband and I aren’t even at the 1 year anniversary mark. Even though I’m older (32) and we’d dated for 2.5 years before we got married, there is definitely an awkward sense of competition that I feel now from my fam and his fam. For instance, one of his cousins got engaged to someone in just 3 months of dating, they got married in late summer of 2011, and they’re already expecting in November. During their wedding I was informed there were apparently bets that were being placed on who would have the first great-grandchild. Ugh! I know I’m “older,” but I want to enjoy married life, buy a nice house, advance a tiny bit more in my career before I even consider a baby. I really feel like if people didn’t make life into a competition there’d be a whole lot less divorce, unhappy marriages etc.

Post # 12
2981 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I understand where you’re coming from too. I was 28 when we married last summer, and work with 4 other couples who married in the time frame. 3 of which are expecting, plus my boss is pregnant too. I feel like it is a bit of a race, but the 3 girls are all friends and wanted to “be pregnant together”, which I think is also kind of silly, but to each their own. Just being around them makes me feel pressured and honestly makes me wonder if there is something “wrong” with me for not being bit by their baby bug. I think it’s hard to not have what everyone else seems to have, no matter what it is, ya know?

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