Post # 1
Are there any other Bees out there hearing that you should wait at least 1,2,3 years after being married to have kids? I’ve been married for 3 months and want to TTC more than anything. Everyone around us though is telling us to wait and “enjoy this time and the honeymoon period” “save more money first” etc which has pretty much convinced my husband that we should wait now. My DH is very impressionable and sometimes has a hard time just doing what he wants because he wants to please everyone.
Before we got married we had agreed to try to get pregnant before our first anniversary and he talks about our future kids all the time. I even saw baby ads on his fb and when I asked him about it, he admitted he had been looking for “the most high tech stroller”
A little background info:
I’m 27 and my husband is 31. We both make six figures, have flexible jobs that give us free benefits for our ourselves and our family, own two homes and have considerable retirment savings. We even have life insurance policies on ourselves so if anything were to happen to one or both of us our children would be well taken care of. So financial reasons are not an issue for us. DH’s parents though are very conservative and Asian in the sense that they keep telling us to save save save and then save some more before having kids. I understand that kids are expensive but I didn’t realize a requirement for having kids was a fatty bank account…
All of our friends are recently married or engaged and do not have babies yet. They all want to take some time for themselves which I think is fine since that’s what they want but I know my DH is affected by this because he’s more of a follower. He doesn’t want kids if none of his friends are having kids yet.
I have friends that blatantly ask me why “I’m rushing” and that i have “plenty of time” or to focus on my career and marriage first. My own mother walked out on me and my father when I was 2 years old and I never saw her again. So to me…being a good mother to my own children is the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do and is much more of a priority than climbing the corporate ladder.
Are there any other bees that have been in my situation? Where everyone seems to think you should wait to have children including your DH? Any advice on how to convince DH that it doesn’t matter what anyone else says? I pretty much dream about babies every night lol. I’ve got it pretty bad =)
Post # 3
Many many people are in the situation of being told exactly what you are. Unfortunately the only answer is, don’t talk to people about it. Don’t tell people you are trying or bring up ttc in any way. When you get pregnant and anyone say “Wow that was fast!” You just smile and say “Yes we are so thrilled and blessed.”
ETA: As for your husband, you guys will have to just sit down and talk about what you BOTH want. Tell him he married YOU and not anyone else, so no one else gets a vote besides the two of you!
Post # 4
I was originally in the boat of “Take a year for hubby and I after we get married.” Then we I got baby fever pretty hard. I’ll the exact same age as you, and we are in a similar comfortable position.
The biggest thing for me is that we want more than one kid, and starting at 27 will give us time in the “safe zone” if it takes us time to have the two that we want. There is also some fear due to genetic evidence of me being infurtal.
We have talked about it a lot, and while we will be intentionally TTC, we aren’t going to get serious about it until after a year. Basically, we will continue our intimate life as is right now, and if it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, we will talk to our doctors after a year. Would that be a compromise that you and your husband could use? Stop using control methods and let it happen naturally?
Post # 5
@bruinchick4: We’re not married yet, or TTC, but a friend of mine recently said something about my Pinterest activity. I pin baby stuff because eventually we’ll have kiddos, just as I pinned wedding stuff before we got engaged. She commented how she doesn’t see us as the couple to rush to have children. My only thought was “Who cares?” We’ve been together for 7 freakin’ years! That’s no rush!
Post # 6
@bruinchick4: who cares what people think!!
you are more than stable financially and other wise as far as I can tell go for it ! I myself hope to conceive within 6 months of marriage.. I guess its because my parents made me on their honeymoon, and alot of other family members did too. everyone I know has a baby within a year of marriage.
Post # 7
Just ignore people. I know it sucks but honestly, they’re always going to try to tell you what to do and later, how to parent your own children.
I was told by a couple counseling on our marriage that something like half the couples in the bay area has impaired fertility by the time they try to conceive (I’m not sure where they got that info and I wish I had asked because I’d like to see the study). I think it’s because so many people are waiting until they’re in the their mid to late 30s before trying. I’m not trying to scare you but I think you and your husband should do what YOU want to do and ignore others.
Post # 8
@mckey430: I really wish I could, but first hurdle is convincing DH. Sigh. =)
Post # 9
@bruinchick4: I think pressuring your DH isn’t the right way to go about it. I don’t have any advice other than things move best when you’re both on the same page. You’re still young so even letting the topic go for a few months to a year shouldn’t make a huge difference. You have seen with your own eyes what can happen if one person isn’t dedicated to the baby.
Post # 10
@beekiss: I’ve actually heard that too and have seen it happening with my co-workers. I really wish I could find that study to show DH.
Post # 11
A lot of people say that because life gets SO much harder once you have kids!
But if you can support kids and you want them, I think it’s your choice to TTC!
We got KU on our honeymoon, and we’re very happy with our decision! Not like we were “rushing” or “missing out” or anything!
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta
@bruinchick4: Do you plan on having several kids? Then I can understand wanting to get the ball rolling. But otherwise you don’t have to right away, but if you are ready I don’t see what is stopping you. I don’t see how wanting to have kids at 27 is being in a rush.
Post # 13
You are more than welcome to try for kids whenever you are ready, whether that be now or a year from now.
But just so you know you probably won’t get that reaction unless you’re telling people your TTC plans, which, to me, seems like a private matter, but that is just me.
We had tons of people ask when we planned on having kids or if we were. We just told people we just got married and will disucss it together. It was nobody’s business when we planned on having sex, which is why I hate the “when are you planning on having kids” question.
Post # 14
@Misswhowedding: I would be very happy doing what you are suggesting. Not really trying but getting off the pills and see what happens. I had surgery to remove large ovarian cysts 2.5 years ago so I’m concerned about my ability to conceive. If there is going to be an issue, I’d like to find out sooner rather than later so we have time to explore all of our options.
Post # 15
@megz06: I’m going to piggyback on what you’re saying. Never ever disclose when you’re trying to conceive or plan to conceive!
I’ve learned that 1)things don’t work out the way you plan (fertility problems are expected for me) and 2)people have an opinion on everything. My dad was actually pressuring us to try (which we are but we’re not saying that) and I say to him and in front of the in laws that it’s a private matter and that we have things we need to do before we can have children. That basically shuts down the conversation.
OP: Ask your husband why he is strongly opposed. He’s 31, not old by any means but it’s not like he’s in his 20s either.
Post # 16
- Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN
Um, I’m pretty sure it’s your decision, not other peoples’. Although I started hearing that a lot when my husband and I got married, mostly from his parents and my grandparents. It’s OUR desire to take it a year at a time, but at the same time if we do get pregnant it’s no big deal.