Post # 1
I have been with my fiance for 3 years. Within those 3 years, we’ve been living together for the last year since we’ve been engaged. We have a great relationship, except for the sex. Now don’t get me wrong, we’ve had great sex, but I don’t ever remember it being mind blowing. Most times it’s a 4-8 out of 10. Sex is important to me. Right around the time I met fiance, I was also dating someone else. This other guy and I were right on the verge of being in a relationship, but I chose fiance because we had become such great friends and we had a really great time together! It seemed like icing on the cake that we were also attracted to each other.
My problem, I totally miss the mind blowing sex I used to have with the other guy. It doesn’t help that I pretty much know that the other guy and I could have had a fabulous relationship as well. Things were great between us as well, it was just getting to the point where I had to pick one and make a committment. They were both serious about settling down and so was I.
I’m madly in love with my fiance and can’t imagine life without him. Sadly, I also can’t imagine life without sex with the other guy and deep down I think about it at least once a day! Bees it was so good it makes me wet just thinking about it…ugghhh. I really want to know if there is anyone else out there who has been in my situation and what they did about it. I totally don’t want to leave my fiance simply over sex, but I also don’t want to imagine a life with yearning for someone else.
Post # 3
Can you help your FI improve? Do you talk about sex, and can you give him some pointers?
Post # 4
What makes sex mindblowing to you? Is it trying different things, different positions? You should try introducing different things to your sex life (but make sure to never say that this is how your ex did it).
Post # 5
@daydreamwanderer yes, we do talk about sex. The problem is, it’s not that he is terribly bad, it’s just that he doesn’t make me feel the way the other guy did. The other guy was very well endowed. Before being with him, I’d never felt my g-spot! Sadly, that’s just not going to happen with fiance. He’s not small, the other guy was just unusually big and curved up (I know, TMI) so it’s like his uh, manhood, was made for me.
My fiance and I have decent sex, but sometimes he doesn’t maintain his erection and although I try to be understanding, I’d be lying if it didn’t get to me sometime.
The other part is we’re such GREAT friends and we’re so used to each other now, that we don’t get that lusty feeling to make each other want to jump all over each other. Is that normal?
Post # 6
@ronnierogers: It is normal for things to cool down a little after you’ve been together for a while. Maybe you and your FI could try toys or something to spice things up?
Post # 7
@MissAsB: the sex was mind blowing with the other guy mainly because of his size and the way he fit inside of me. Two things that I can’t change with fiance. Is there anyone out there who is marrying their fiance knowing that he isn’t the “best you’ve ever had” or am I the only one? I just keep thinking that I could have just as good of a relationship with other guy and have the good sex. It just hurts me feeling like. I really do love my fiance!!
Post # 8
Well, there will come a day when because of sickness, health, family, commitments, age, etc.. Sex may not be a possibility. Marriage is so much more than just sex. Yes, sex is great and bonding, but if that’s the only thing a relationship is built on it will not last. So, perhaps work with him to find other ways he can help you enjoy it better because it seems your relationship is great otherwise. Perhaps also see a counselor who can also help you work through this… It’s not your FI fault he’s not “as well endowed.”
As for the lusty part, yes, that’s normal. Relationships are not sustained by “eros.” It’s the love of “agape” that sustains a relationship. It would probably best suit you to speak with a professional who can help you make sense of this and move on. It’s not fair to your FI at all for you to be thinking he is “replaceable.” If you do love him, you need to move on and forget the other guy, stop living in the past, and look to your future. Daily fantasies and statements like “I just keep thinking that I could have just as good of a relationship with other guy and have the good sex” are big things, ones that your FI does not deserve, and are not statements of “love.”
Post # 9
@KLP, yes I agree I shouldn’t be having these daily thoughts which is the main reason why I wrote here looking for advice. I do love my fiance and I do want it to work. I also want to be realistic about these feelings that I’m experiencing.
Post # 10
@ronnierogers: Perhaps some counseling might be in order, then? Just to help you move past these thoughts.
Post # 11
I can’t recommend counseling highly enough! I have had some personal issues with my mom and a former friendship, etc. etc. that were beginning to affect my daily life and therefore my marriage, and counseling has been a godsend. Truly. It is enormously helpful to talk to someone else, who is outside of your situation, and who can help you work through it. Please look into it! Everyone in my life was very supportive of me going and they continue to be as they see how much it is helping. I hope your FI, friends, and family would support your choice to go as well!
Post # 12
I second the thoughts about making it more spicy. While the feeling of a guy inside you is wonderful, what about foreplay? I’d get a few toys, and maybe explore a bit. Have you tried other positions too? There might be one that makes your FH just as awesome.
Post # 13
Okay, I may be in the minority here, but I don’t think counseling is in order. I am a big supporter of counseling, especially premariatal counseling, but I think that will make what seems to be an isolated issue bigger than what it needs to be. Now with that said, I have some advice.
I voted for the second option with some reservations. I say that because whether or not your sex life improves, it sounds like you have a fabulous relationship and that’s what really matters. Sex is important, but what you’re dealing with is mind over matter here. Right now, you’re becoming obssesive over “memories” of sex life with the other guy. I am pretty sure the sex was great, but I’m pretty sure your mind is making it even better than it actually was. If you were to go back to this guy and stay with him for 3 years, his numbers would probably be close to your fiance’s…maybe 4-10 out of 10. Are two points really that important? And are 2 points really worth the risk of being with a guy that may or may not make you as happy as your fiance does? Trust your gut. You chose your fiance over this guy and there is a reason for that, so don’t second guess yourself.
Start thinking about all the times your fiance turns you on. Start focusing on all the times your fiance made you orgasm and you’ll start to see what I mean. The brain is a powerful tool that can make your life miserable if you’re not careful. You have the power to focus your thoughts. Don’t lose your best friend over sex. Seriously, it’s not worth it in the end, because like what a PP said, there will come a time when sex won’t be possible and when that happens, you’ll be happy that you kept your best friend around. In the meantime, enjoy your 4-8 out of 10 sex…which as a side note seems very normal to me.
Post # 14
I was once with a guy and the sex was not great at all and he was madly in love with me. When FI and I started back talking while in college, I cheated on guy I was with at the time and slept with FI. I eventually left the guy for FI because I’m deeply in love with FI but a part of that was also because FI and I have GREAT sex together. I definitely know what you mean by the sex is so good you can not get it out your mind.
Post # 15
You say you do talk about sex, but clearly you’re not talking about sex enough, or in a way that can help him learn how to please you. Does he know that you’re unsatisfied?
Of course relationships are about more than sex, but (I’m assuming) you’re a bit young to write off the sexual side of yourself, and that really doesn’t mean you have to write off this relationship.
If he already knows how you feel and won’t do anything about it, I don’t think that’s a good sign, sorry. If you can’t bring yourself to do what it takes to find a solution together, that’s not good either.
Basically, you need to talk to him, and you need to get into specifics. Great sex is not all about the “dream penis” (those also come in silicone, fyi).
Post # 16
get a big dildo and have your fi operate it for you.
it’s really not fair to your fi to be fantasizing and comparing him to the other guy all the time. if it’s something you really can’t get over, you should seek counseling.