(Closed) Everything is great except for….PLEASE HELP

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: What should I do about my lack luster sex life with fiance?
    Accept it, and try to make it better, sex isn't the most important part of a relationship : (87 votes)
    54 %
    It probably won't get better, but if that's the only thing you have to worry about then be happy : (31 votes)
    19 %
    Sex is important and I don't think you should get married if it's not good : (25 votes)
    16 %
    Other/Explanation below : (17 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Can you help your FI improve? Do you talk about sex, and can you give him some pointers?

    Post # 4
    Hostess
    18646 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    What makes sex mindblowing to you?  Is it trying different things, different positions?  You should try introducing different things to your sex life (but make sure to never say that this is how your ex did it).

    Post # 6
    Member
    3525 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @ronnierogers: It is normal for things to cool down a little after you’ve been together for a while. Maybe you and your FI could try toys or something to spice things up?

    Post # 8
    Member
    4123 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Well, there will come a day when because of sickness, health, family, commitments, age, etc.. Sex may not be a possibility. Marriage is so much more than just sex. Yes, sex is great and bonding, but if that’s the only thing a relationship is built on it will not last. So, perhaps work with him to find other ways he can help you enjoy it better because it seems your relationship is great otherwise. Perhaps also see a counselor who can also help you work through this… It’s not your FI fault he’s not “as well endowed.” 

    As for the lusty part, yes, that’s normal. Relationships are not sustained by “eros.” It’s the love of “agape” that sustains a relationship. It would probably best suit you to speak with a professional who can help you make sense of this and move on. It’s not fair to your FI at all for you to be thinking he is “replaceable.” If you do love him, you need to move on and forget the other guy, stop living in the past, and look to your future. Daily fantasies and statements like “I just keep thinking that I could have just as good of a relationship with other guy and have the good sex” are big things, ones that your FI does not deserve, and are not statements of “love.”

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    3525 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @ronnierogers: Perhaps some counseling might be in order, then? Just to help you move past these thoughts.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1137 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    I can’t recommend counseling highly enough!  I have had some personal issues with my mom and a former friendship, etc. etc. that were beginning to affect my daily life and therefore my marriage, and counseling has been a godsend.  Truly.  It is enormously helpful to talk to someone else, who is outside of your situation, and who can help you work through it.  Please look into it!  Everyone in my life was very supportive of me going and they continue to be as they see how much it is helping.  I hope your FI, friends, and family would support your choice to go as well!

    Post # 12
    Member
    411 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I second the thoughts about making it more spicy. While the feeling of a guy inside you is wonderful, what about foreplay? I’d get a few toys, and maybe explore a bit. Have you tried other positions too? There might be one that makes your FH just as awesome.

    Post # 13
    Member
    190 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Okay, I may be in the minority here, but I don’t think counseling is in order. I am a big supporter of counseling, especially premariatal counseling, but I think that will make what seems to be an isolated issue bigger than what it needs to be. Now with that said, I have some advice.

    I voted for the second option with some reservations. I say that because whether or not your sex life improves, it sounds like you have a fabulous relationship and that’s what really matters. Sex is important, but what you’re dealing with is mind over matter here. Right now, you’re becoming obssesive over “memories” of sex life with the other guy. I am pretty sure the sex was great, but I’m pretty sure your mind is making it even better than it actually was. If you were to go back to this guy and stay with him for 3 years, his numbers would probably be close to your fiance’s…maybe 4-10 out of 10. Are two points really that important? And are 2 points really worth the risk of being with a guy that may or may not make you as happy as your fiance does? Trust your gut. You chose your fiance over this guy and there is a reason for that, so don’t second guess yourself.

    Start thinking about all the times your fiance turns you on. Start focusing on all the times your fiance made you orgasm and you’ll start to see what I mean. The brain is a powerful tool that can make your life miserable if you’re not careful. You have the power to focus your thoughts. Don’t lose your best friend over sex. Seriously, it’s not worth it in the end, because like what a PP said, there will come a time when sex won’t be possible and when that happens, you’ll be happy that you kept your best friend around. In the meantime, enjoy your 4-8 out of 10 sex…which as a side note seems very normal to me.

    Post # 14
    Member
    442 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I was once with a guy and the sex was not great at all and he was madly in love with me. When FI and I started back talking while in college, I cheated on guy I was with at the time and slept with FI. I eventually left the guy for FI because I’m deeply in love with FI but a part of that was also because FI and I have GREAT sex together. I definitely know what you mean by the sex is so good you can not get it out your mind. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    2154 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    You say you do talk about sex, but clearly you’re not talking about sex enough, or in a way that can help him learn how to please you. Does he know that you’re unsatisfied? 

    Of course relationships are about more than sex, but (I’m assuming) you’re a bit young to write off the sexual side of yourself, and that really doesn’t mean you have to write off this relationship.

    If he already knows how you feel and won’t do anything about it, I don’t think that’s a good sign, sorry. If you can’t bring yourself to do what it takes to find a solution together, that’s not good either.

    Basically, you need to talk to him, and you need to get into specifics. Great sex is not all about the “dream penis” (those also come in silicone, fyi). 

    Post # 16
    Member
    4137 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    get a big dildo and have your fi operate it for you.

    it’s really not fair to your fi to be fantasizing and comparing him to the other guy all the time. if it’s something you really can’t get over, you should seek counseling.

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