Everything to Everyone

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m sorry to hear this. It doesn’t really surprise me, because when I saw your thread title, I was thinking, oh yes,  the impossible “basic minimum expectation” of the modern woman. You have to allow yourself to “fail” at this in order to survive. If you have to run at full speed just to stay in the same place, start strolling, running isn’t going to make things better. 

I think your main focus should be on feeling OK about “disappointing” people. About being “selfish.” Make it your goal to “disappoint” and “be selfish” in one new way each today (I doubt very much you’ll overdo this, though you’ll probably worry very much that you are), and then most importantly, to realize that you have no reason to feel guilty… you aren’t selfish, and if they were disappointed, it was actually because their expectations of you weren’t fair. So, truly, they set themselves up for disappointment, and now they’ll realize they need to adjust.

Kids…well, kids are needy,  that’s just a part of being children. So, since you have that on your plate, your fellow adults are going to have to realize that your time for them is limited, because you’re busy being a good mom. Boundaries. Boundaries on their expectations need to be set. The fellow adults in your life are getting too much free reign.

Post # 4
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Good grief. I’m exhausted for you just reading this! And I am mad for you! If it were me, I would sit him down and let him run the house for a couple days. See how truly difficult it really is! 

But with his job, that may not be possible. In that case, I would have a come-to-Jesus talk with him. If that doesn’t wake him up, then I would seek couple’s counseling. 

If THAT doesn’t work…then I’d have to seriously reevaulate my marriage. Ask yourself “If he never changes, do I REALLY want to feel this way for the rest of my life? Do I want this to be my life?”

I couldn’t do it. He’s stretching you to the point where you’re gonna just snap and go insane from all the stress. 

I’m sorry you’re dealing with such a clueless and insensitive jerk for a husband. 🙁 Good luck and I hope things get better soon!

Post # 5
Member
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh and it’s not a silly issue at all. Keep up trying to meet all these expectations, and you’ll work yourself into an early grave!

Please, be more selfish!

Post # 6
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Woah. There’s trying to do everything in one day, and then there’s having a spouse that is a glorified child!

I’d see a couple’s counselor. It seems to me that either his expectations need to go WAY down, or you should quit your job to keep up with his demands (but only if you WANT to stop working!)

Post # 7
Member
2372 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

I would suggest writing out a schedule of your day… time yourself a little for how long these activities take for you!

You might be able to show him “ok I have maybe an HOUR left over every day other than my normal scheduled activities, and when you ask (or, well, demand) that I run an errand for you, suddenly I am going ten minutes out of my way, spending ten minutes doing the errand, and then ten minutes back on my way… suddenly I have lost a half hour. And then something happens with the kids and now not only have I lost my one hour of free time for MYSELF, but I have to give up something else too!”

Maybe, just maybe writing it down will give him a visual of the impossible demands upon you. He must work out for his JOB. It’s good that you want to be healthy but how can he expect you to do the work of HIS job PLUS yours???

Post # 8
Member
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Have you talked to him about how you’re feeling? What did he say?

The situation as you’ve described it sounds untenable, and you sound so unhappy. Does he seem aware of this? Does he care?

You make it sound as though he has all of the power in your relationship. Do you feel as though that’s the case? What happens when you stand up for your own needs and desires? How do you think he would react if you started responding to his texts by saying “that really doesn’t fit into my schedule for today, but I can do it on X day”? Why can’t he figure out what he needs a few days in advance so that you can work it into your schedule in a way that’s convenient for you?

You deserve to have a social life and a bit of personal time for hobbies and relaxation. If he can’t see that and won’t prioritize your needs over his controlling and frankly frivolous demands, I really feel that you should start thinking about an exit strategy. Counseling isn’t going to help if he’s not committed to changing.

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