Post # 1
I have really run into a wall with this one so I was hoping that my ranting and raving on here would generate some help from you wonderful ladies (and gents)!
So, my mom passed away a few years ago. We were extremely close and our family was a really tight-knight unit. My dad remarried shortly after her death, because I think he was feeling very lonely and couldn’t deal with being alone. The woman she married has turned out to be EVIL. Here’s why…
For our wedding, my FI’s parents are paying for the entire thing. On our invitation, we listed it as his parents hosting, and me as the daughter of my dad and my mom. I didn’t feel it was necessary to have his wife’s name on the invitation since she has no part in my life and really I have met the woman less than 10 times in my life and she and my dad are not contributing. She starting raising hell about how she wasn’t included in the invitation. I explained my position to her and I even explained that I will definitely honor her at our rose ceremony & recognize her during our speeches. Seriously, for someone I have barely met and who has never ever been nice to me, I think I was being generous.
But she will have none of that. She wants her name in print on the invitation. She threatened that she won’t come to the wedding if her name wasn’t on it. When I wouldn’t budge, she then threatened to divorce my dad if HE attends my wedding. I was not going to give into her threats so I refused and issued the invitation the way I had intended. It’s my wedding and the inviation should list who is part of MY family afterall.
My dad is obviously stuck in a very bad spot. He has told me that he will show up to the wedding no matter what, even if she divorces him. But he hasn’t told her yet that he is planning on attending the wedding (it’s a month away) because he doesn’t want to deal with the drama yet. He has suggested that we put her name in the program to alleviate the situation. But here’s my dilemma: she and i had some very nasty fights over this whole thing. She is not a reasonable person. She calls me just to scream at me, she does not compromise, she makes unreasonable demands and then makes threats like divorce and suicide to get her way. I don’t want her at my wedding for fear that she will cause a scene somehow. I am so angry at her that I don’t even want her there, let alone me creating a program (which we weren’t planning on having) just to make her happy.
So how can I make this situation better? Is it out of line for me to disinvite her? Should I just make everyone happy and make a program just to get my dad out of this bind? I feel like if I give in, then she will always use her threats to get her way, even when her demands are unreasonable.
Sigh, thank you for letting me vent. If anyone has any suggestions on how to make this better, please let me know.
Post # 3
She sounds awful. I’m trying really hard to be all, "try to see it from her perspective" but I am having a LOT of trouble here. Mostly I feel outraged on your behalf, because she is being ridiculous. Perhaps that she feels that the not including her on the invitation somehow invalidates her marriage to your father, and that upsets her.
It sounds like you have already tried your best to explain to her that you didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, you just wanted to honor your mother on the invitation, so I’m not going to try to tell you to try again.
I wouldn’t want her at my wedding either, but I think that blatantly disinviting her will cause more trouble than it is worth. I think she will be unlikely to make a hideous scene and ruin your wedding, just because I really like to believe the best in people, and that they will behave in public. I think if she shows up, you do whatever you were planning to do to honor her, in the hopes that it will all blow over eventually and she will realize she was ridiculous.
If she doesn’t show up and she divorces your father out of it, it sounds to me like he’s getting the better end of the deal and its unlikely that she would actually follow through on that threat anyway. It sounds like your father is willing to do whatever it takes to be at your wedding – you might want to have him deal with the drama sooner rather than later though, just so he doesn’t back out at the last minute.
Post # 4
I agree with Missy Millie. Your stepmother is being way out of hand here. She shouldn’t expect you to put her in your invitations bc as you’ve said, you aren’t very close. I wouldn’t uninvite her, nor invite her. Just leave it and let your father sort through the rest. He is your father and is going to do what’s best for you on your special day. And if she does end up divorcing your father for going to your wedding then good riddance! And don’t bother making a program just to put her name in it. She’s been disrespectful and out of line and is not worth honoring. Good luck and keep us posted!
Post # 5
Maybe your father would get some well earned relief if she did leave him. Maybe he realizes he made a mistake, and needed a way out. Whatever happens, I would not give in to her demands–no matter what. It would only be rewarding her for the horrible way she is acting. I hope you find some peace and agree with above posters, let your dad handle her.
Post # 6
If she’s threatening to leave your father over his attendance in his DAUGHTER’S wedding, well, maybe that says something in itself.
She sounds nutso to me! Don’t oblige her or do her any favors. She obviously isn’t treating you with any respect! She’s your dad’s business to take care of, not yours, especially since you aren’t close at all!
Have a lovely wedding, and I hope this all works out! I agree with the above posts about not doing this lady any favors! She hasn’t earned it
Post # 7
I see no reason for a person as toxic as this wicked stepmother is to be at any wedding. Or in public. She sadly sounds mentally disturbed.
I would personally DISMISS her from my life and that includes answering her calls but make it clear (maybe take dad to lunch with FI or have him over for dinner) that you LOVE your dad and that your family loves him, but you DO NOT love the way this insane woman is acting. That means cutting off ALL avenues of contact with her. She will only cause you further pain and stress.
I feel so sorry your dad has to put up with that. Grief does strange things I tell you. My dad died almost 10 years ago and my mom six months later began dating this old high school bf who was and still is not quite "up to caliber" for mom (won’t elaborate on him..but 3 prior marriage? Nope!).
Hate to say this and echo another poster, but maybe dad attending your wedding and her sashaying out the door would be a good thing!
DO make sure your mom’s memory IS honored on your wedding day though!~
Btw..I would have staff and church or any ushers DENY her entrance into the wedding in case this off -her-rocker nutcase tries to show up anyway and make a scene.
Post # 8
BOOOO!!! The selfishness of people always amazes me! Seriously, hugs…
Why on earth would you honor her above your mother? I wouldnt put her in programs or do any type of ceremony involving her. What did she have to do with raising you? Dont give in…I would bet that she threatens to divorce your dad every time he does something she doesnt like. I would tread lightly though…if she comes to the wedding she’ll likely be a sourpuss the hole day. If she doesnt show, she may make like at home for your dad hell.
Post # 9
What is it about weddings that brings out the worst in people? Since you have had such little contact with your stepmom in the past, you must have been surprised that she would get so up-in-arms about not being included on your wedding invitation, right? If she is making threats to divorce your dad over something so trivial she obviously needs to do some soul-searching on the meaning of marriage. However, the more likely scenario is that she will miss your wedding, stay with your dad and be filled with regret over how silly she acted in the years to follow. If she does actually show up to your wedding, make sure you to get formal photographs with your dad that both include her as well as ones that do not!
Post # 10
I wanted to say thank you for all of your words of support and advice! It’s nice to hear from someone outside my friends and family who also think she is being ridiculous. I agree with all of you that I should not give into her threats. Thank you for giving me some additional strength to stand my ground. I hate that my dad is in this difficult position, but she has to remain his problem, not mine. My dad would be so much better off if she left him, but he has yet to see that…