Ex Anxiety

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Jesus christ that sucks so much, nobody should have to deal with that shit. For the love of sanity, please, please hire a bouncer or something, just fo the peace of mind.

Post # 4
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If he DID try to “ruin” the wedding – what’s the worst that could happen? He turns up and trys to stop the ceromony, claiming that he loves you? Hello, HUGE ego boost, you can get the groom’s men to toss him out (warn them before hand) and everyone will remember your wedding for forever!

He crashes the reception? Again, just have him thrown out!

It will be fine. 🙂 

Post # 5
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ahhh that sounds so scary!!!! And I know what you mean about that anxiety that you just can’t shake.  *hugs*  I’m so glad you were able to get out of that relationship – it sounds terrifying, like something that would end up being on a frickin’ Dateline show….!!!

He doesn’t know when or where your wedding is, so I can’t imagine that he would crash it.  I know its a small town, but I can’t imagine that anyone would tell him that information.  How many people are invited?  For the anxiety’s sake, is the wedding somewhere where cops could easily quickly come, worst case?

Post # 6
Member
1574 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

*hugs* my ex husband was a horrible person. I still have a lot of anxiety about him, and totally identify with the bad dreams. My husband has woken me when I’m crying, pushing something away, adn yelling “no”. If it were me, I’d unfriend and block the dude on Facebook. Any chance you can extend the order of protection? If not (or heck, even do it anyway) do you have some freinds who can act as bouncers and if he shows up, push him out the door?

Post # 7
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. Is there any way you can hire security for the venue just in case. It probably won’t be necessary but it might put your mind at ease. 

Post # 8
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Did I get that right? You’re still friends with on face Facebook? I would change that immediately if I were you! By cutting him out from all details might help a little. 🙂 good luck.

Edit: just read again. So you’re not friends with him but you’re still checking his status updates? Is there any way you can completely sever the ties?

Post # 9
Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all that with your ex! Congratulations on having the strength to get out – it’s not easy, and it does take a lot of courage. Your ex sounds like an absolute twat, so I’m not surprised you’re still so anxious about him – it’s easy enough to say “Just kick him out if he turns up!” but it sounds like even just his presence might cause extreme anxiety, panic attacks, or just an unnecessary stress on your special day.

Can you possibly limit the number of mutual friends you invite to the wedding? If you’ve already distanced yourself from them since the breakup, it might be easy to use the “We would love to have you at the wedding, but for a lot of reasons, we’re just having close friends and family.” That way the mutual friends don’t get their feelings hurt, and they don’t have all the details to pass on to the ex. Another option might be to keep super quiet about the wedding – don’t post anything on facebook, don’t discuss wedding details with people that don’t need to know (this will save you stress in other areas too!), and just let people know with the invitation when and where it’s all happening. Many of my friends didn’t even realise I was getting married, simply because we were quiet about it!

Word up some tough friends that have no problems with kicking him out if he appears and makes a scene (extra points if they can spot him before you and move him out). Check that the AVO is still valid, and consider renewing it if you think it’s a serious concern. Breathe. You’re marrying an incredible guy and no shitstain from your past is going to stop that.

Post # 10
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Skittles131:  pretty much the same story over here. I had a very poisonous effed up relationship with my ex FI that he has refused to let go of for the last 2 1/2 years. Same with the bad dreams, fear over blocked numbers and Facebook… He dropped off the radar (yes I still check on him as well) right before the wedding and I was super worried he was going to do some grand I love you gesture and crash the wedding. He didn’t, thank god. I got a one word fb msg the other day just saying congratulations. I’ve tried to block him before he just makes a new profile. It’s easier to keep it like this, bc sadly I do have to keep an open for him – motherf***** is CRAZY. I just wanted to share my story so you know you’re not alone. If my pyscho ex stayed away from my wedding (for whatever reason) hopefully yours will too. Honestly the chances are pretty slim to none – we are victims of abuse and these are the things our minds say to us – the worst what ifs running through our minds… I’m in therapy and it has helped tremendously. If you’re not already I would highly suggest it. xxx

Post # 11
Member
4904 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I wonder if you are suffering from PTSD.  That is not to even suggest that your fears about this creep are groundless.

Are there any big strapping men who will be at your wedding in whom you can confide so they will keep an eye out for him?

ITA about therapy.  An abusive relationship does a lot of damage, I think you might want to care for yourself by getting some counseling.

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Good God, this became progressively worse with each paragraph. That last one is a concern, as are the posts this guy has on Facebook. Five YEARS and he still can’t stop talking about you publicly? That is concerning.

I would consider hiring a security guard for your wedding and reception. Do I think he’ll show up? No, I don’t. He sounds like a scared little boy now who knows he’s dealing with a more empowered woman – and a fiance who would likely knock his crazy ass out. But, security presence may be able to stifle some of your fears.

And as others advise, limit inviting mutual friends with this guy if you can. When you DO invite anyone who may possibly have contact with him, I would explain the seriousness of the situation – ask them not to tell anyone else about your wedding plans, as you don’t want to risk that he will come (that includes not hanging your invitation up in a public place in the event they have friends over who MAY tell your ex).

 

Post # 14
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree about getting counseling. This guy doesn’t love you, he’s sick. And a criminal. I’d be scared, too. But that doesn’t mean you are powerless. I think you should let as many people know about this as possible. It is NOT an ego booster, it is potentially a dangerous situation. Unfortunately, many people are not educated about domestic violence and the people that commit it. Hugs.

 

I wish you the best!

Post # 15
Member
677 posts
Busy bee

@Skittles131:  Definitely would suggest hiring a bouncer or security guard for the night (plain clothes if you don’t want to worry your guests), and let the ushers/groomsmen/venue manager know to keep an eye out. I’m not saying he WILL do anything, but if you have as many eyes as possible open, you should be able to relax a bit more.

Talk to your venue, I bet they have a security company they work with that could help you. If not, talk to your local PD, most will offer off duty services.

ETA: Reading your update, it sounds like you have the best male bridal party to handle the situation.

Post # 16
Member
2429 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

wow, this definitely sounds like he’s tried stalking you in the past. I’m so sorry — it sounds horrible. I agree with everyone else who suggests hiring a bouncer, just in case he happens to show up.

Also, I would spread the word through friends and family that no one should share any wedding details with him. Also don’t put an engagement announcement in the newspaper.

Are you planning on staying in the area after you’re married? If you have any possibility of transferring jobs for you and FI, I would strongly consider getting a few hours distance from this guy. 

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