Ex-BF diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer – contact or no?

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I see no need to contact him. He has a wife, he’s moved on and you coming back in the picture is not neccessary. Quite frankly, you did him wrong, and the best thing you could do is let him be at peace.

Post # 4
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

@oracle:  I would be a passive support. Follow his support site. Contribute financially if they look for donations to medical biils. Maybe even post an encouraging message if his site allows such things. But as far as calling/text/email? No. You guys are not actively friends at this point, and rekindling a friendship due to an illness will look like something done out of pity, not empathy.

Post # 5
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you were in his position – and you knowing him – do you think he wants to hear from you? When you cut things off completely, was he understanding? I would maybe send a note of well wishes to help encourage him, but would not do more than what I would do for anyone that I’m a mere acquaintance of.

Post # 6
Member
825 posts
Busy bee

I would reach out. Definitely tell DH first, let him know that you’ll be doing it and why. Maybe sending a sypmapthy card through the mail — something to let him know your thoughts are with him, but doesn’t allow for immediate back and forth?

Post # 7
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I wouldn’t get involved.  There really is no point, I’m sure his thoughts are going to his treatment and his remaing time with his wife. He’s managed to move on twice now I’d just leave it alone. 

Post # 8
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@oracle:  I wouldn’t go see him or phone him, but I would send him a “get well” card. When you know you’re probably going to die it doesn’t hurt to know one more person gives a shit about you. I would also probably have the card be from myself and my husband as opposed to just me.

Post # 9
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Reaching out is self-serving. He has plenty of friends and family to support him. You’ll do more harm than good (your DH, his DW, and possibly him) by reaching out. It will make YOU feel better but will it really make HIM feel that much better? I agree with being a silent supporter. Follow the website, donate if you can, but leave it be. 

Post # 10
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@oracle:  don’t contact him. you aren’t friends – i’m sure he has a rich life full love friends and a loving wife, not to be rude but, accept that he likely doesn’t need your friendship and that you reaching out to him could be complicated, awkward and wierd for him. also think of his wife – i would respect their marriage and her ability to love and care for him by not intruding in this crazy emotional time in their lives. 

my attitude would be, if you don’t want to contact him and share in his life in good times (and i TOTALLY get why you don’t, and agree) why would you do so in bad times? let him lean on the people who are in his life in a more meaningful way.

Post # 11
Member
3777 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would proably donate to his page, leave a comment of support, and leave it at that. Tell DH and make sure he’s ok with it.

My DH and I have an understanding that if one of our exes was in a time of need, that we would be ok with a show of support. For example, when my ex’s grandfather died I sent him condolences. That’s just the kind of people DH and I are.

Post # 12
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I would contact him – but not by phone or in person. I would either post a comforting message on his fb, or send a thoughtful card. I think he would be happy at the support.

Post # 13
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Seems to me that jumping in at such a time could just cause him more stress and confusion when it’s the last thing he needs.

Post # 14
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

No, I wouldn’t contact him, it’ll probably add more emotional stress if he hasn’t gotten over you or make him start thinking about why you are contacting him again after all these years… or just to pity him?! 

 

Just silently support him, pray for him, and donate anonymously. You don’t want to make things more complicated for him.

 

Post # 15
Member
376 posts
Helper bee

I would send a card

Post # 16
Member
8593 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

You aren’t friends, so no, I wouldn’t contact him.  If you want to support him, maybe send something or donate something anonymously.

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