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Wowza!! I read your original post about her and thought something was amiss!
If I was in your position I probably wouldn't feel comfortable with my fi hanging out with someone who was secretly in love with him. I think maybe he should not hang out with her for a while and let her get over the feelings she has for him then maybe afterwards they can look to connect as friends. It's a toughie!
Oh man. Tough call here. I think if you trust your FI 100% then that is what is most important here. It is unfair to him if you say that he can't see her anymore, but if he decides that is what he wants, then at least he that chose for himself. Right now I would digest this new information, talk to your FI about how you are BOTH feeling, and then ultimately let him decide how he wants to handle it. It may be that he needs to talk to this friend about it and make it clear that nothing is going to happen with them and that he is marrying YOU. After that, it will be up to her as to whether she can continue the friendship or not, unless your FI thinks the best thing is to break ties from her. This is a crappy situation to be in - I'm so sorry! I think the important thing is to not make him choose between you two, if he thinks he is able to still maintain a friendship with the friend.
@dance i couldn't have said it better myself
this is such an awful situation. i really hope it gets sorted out. i'm sending good thoughts!
@dance i couldn't have said it better myself
this is such an awful situation. i really hope it gets sorted out. i'm sending good thoughts!
Now it makes more sense! I thought it was off that she had been life long friends with him and was so quick to say he was abusive based off that one comment about the arm..
I don't think I would encourage FI to hang out with her. I mean, she doesn't seem to have either of your best interests' at heart given that you 2 are obviously happy together and she is partially maligning you guys. I am not sure, but I don't think it's good to have her presence in your wedding/life when she is not truly on your or FI's side.
Glad you got some more info!
Seriously - WHAT!??!?
Oh my damn.
For once in my life, I'm speechless....
Okay, wait. I've recovered.
I think it should be noted that you had to find this out from someone else. Which means she hasn't been trying to break you up or get between you, or whatever. This is a good thing. It seems like she held it together as long as she could, and the story was just the out she needed. I have to respect that, in a way. She could have gone the "My Best Friend's Wedding" route and tried to steal him away, sabotage the wedding, etc. But she didn't - she tried to fight her feelings (sounds like) and keep them away from you two. She wanted out of the wedding - let her out. It sounds like she's doing the best thing for all of you.
Ahhhhhh!!! We all called it the other day!!!
Ummm...yeah. That's flippin awkward.
I gotta say, it's up to your FI how to proceed.
On one hand, Im thinking that it would be a shame to lose a very long friend.
However, she agreed to be a BM in your wedding and still had these feelings for him?? I mean, I think him breaking off ties with her might "force" it to sink in to her that "they" are not gonna happen since clearly him proposing to someone else didn't.
Good luck!!
I kind of had the vibe from the other post that something like this would end up being the reason. The sad part about the situation is...you can't unring the bell now. I know you must be going over every conversation that you have ever had with her looking for clues and wondering what you miss. It must be the same for your FI as well. He needs to have a talk with her and find out what's going on in her head and also to set some boundaries. You can share with your FI and your ex-BM how it makes you feel but ultimately the decision is your FI's about if he wants to maintain the friendship.
Wow! This is something straight out of a movie. If I were in your shoes, I would talk it over with the FI, and let him figure it out on his own. I agree with layla - she doesn't sound like she'd be a threat to you. I think that she flipped a bit with her response the other day, but otherwise has been a good friend to both of you. Let your FI talk to her if he'd like, and let her work out her feelings on her own. I'd lay low and trust your closest to make things work, whether that means forgive and forget, or creating space for her to get over her feelings.
GOOD LUCK! This is a strange predicament for sure. Hang in there, and you can always vent here. Better here than make your FI think you don't trust him, you know?
I think she needs to not be a BM, what if she embarasses you or acts all emotional or sulky? She can still attend the wedding, but BM -- I would'nt...
Sorry to hear this was the "something more going on" that everyone was looking for on your abuse post. This really puts you in an awkward situation.
I would talk to your fiance - I wouldnt demand that they not be friends anymore, but I would feel free to explain to him why you are really not comfortable being around her (maybe after some time, but not now and not any time real soon.) Ultimately I think letting him decide is the healthier option for you two and your relationship.
Good luck with whatever happens & remember, you already won~ He is marrying you.
Wow Im sorry! I dont think you should tell you FI not to see her but I obviously wouldnt encourage it either. Does ex-BM know that you and your FI know she likes him? If not I dont know that I would say anything but I would defintely take a step back in the friendship;
I'm sorry, but this is not a true friendship. I hate it for you and for your fiancé.. It's a one-sided friendship that exists only on your fiancé's part; as for her, this is a relationship in which she has been waiting in the wings. The sexual attraction is a problem, and I just don't see how they can hang out anymore.
If I were you I'd have my FI tell her it wasn't going to happen- just a "look, we know, and we value your friendship but I DONT WANT TO DATE YOU OR BE WITH YOU." See how she reacts. It could be a slap of reality or she could try to jump him and you have to cut it off forever! I think you need to put it out there for her though... no false hope for her!
I don't really have great advice for you, but this situation reminded me of "My Best Friend's Wedding" - You'd be Cameron Diaz, so Go Cameron!
I was just checking the original post to find and update and here it is!
WOW to say the least! A lot of us called it right on. What a horrible situation to be in. I agree with most of the PP's. FI really should handle it, for me it would be really hard to let my FH handle it on his own (im very vocal and he lets everything slide) But i think it will be better for everyone involved.
GOOD LUCK! I hope this works out for everyone.
WOW - I have to say i was in a similiar situation. A couple month's before my wedding my husband's BEST FRIEND.. who was a groomsman decided he would start texting me inappropriate messages and send me dirty pictures completely random.
I was horrified because he was at my house almost every day! I responded with a simple "umm.. you do KNOW i am marrying cisco".
Needless to say he confessed to being in love with me and i was beyond weirded out (especially since he has a girlfriend). i didn't plan on telling my FI at the time because i was soo nervous that fists would fly. I ended up blurting it out a week before the wedding because i felt a weight on my shoulders.. FI FREAKED out but in the end they are still friends and he was still on my wedding. Now that was 8 months ago and i can say that after the wedding.. i think i've seen him a hand full of times.
good luck !
Omg, that's a shocker for sure. In my opinion, it's not appropriate for them to be friends until she can get over him. You don't need her meddling around with him before your wedding!!
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This is an update to a post I made the other day regarding my friend not wanting to be a BM anymore b/c she said I was abused. Apparently that was all a lie...
Turns out my now ex-BM and good friend of over 10 years has been in love with my FH for years now. The two have been life long friends, they have known each other since birth and FH has always considered her a sister. She on the other hand has apparently always wanted something more. Me and FH started dating in High School and though it wasn't super serious then it became really serious in college and then obviously after when he proposed. During this entire time she has been right there on the sidelines secretly wishing me and him would break up! I found out a lot of info from our mutual friends the other night, before this incident I had always brushed it off. I am so confused about this now. I spent the better part of yesterday obsessing over this and its driving me crazy. Me and FH had a loooong talk, he was just as shocked as I was. I don't want to tell him he can't see her anymore or he can't be friends with her, but its so awkward now! I mean the girl has confessed to wanting to be with him!!! FH really didn't know how to handle the situation either. It breaks my heart to think that he could lose one of his best friends over this but at the same time I'm not sure how comfortable I am with her around him. I have 100% trust in him and know he would never ever do anything with her, but is that enough??? What would ya'll do? I'm just beside myself on this one...