Post # 1
So my ex-boyfriend and I dated for 1.5 years, I loved him SO much & honestly wanted to marry him (I’m 25 & he’s 30). He was always veryy nice to me, but I noticed he didn’t like to talk about our future, marriage, etc. & rolled his eyes in frustration whenever I brought it up. Two months ago I brought up the issue again by asking what direction we were going in since we’d been dating for 1.5 years already. I can’t even describe the shock I felt when he turned on me & coldly said, “How dare you bring up the future when you don’t even work 40 hours a week?” (FYI I’ve been working a string of PT jobs while going on interviews for FT jobs so it’s not like I’ve been sitting on my butt at home). He said his “soulmate” had to be a girl who always works at least 40+ hours per week, and until I fulfilled that “requirement” he wouldn’t even consider me as wife material. When I heard this I felt so humiliated I told him it was over (I think it was the right decision), but i’m still absolutely crushed and confused 2 months later. Even my parents (who normally aren’t too involved in my relationship matters) were worried I was suicidal and took me to see a psychologist. I feel better now, but still feel depressed, have low self esteem, and deep bitterness towards guys now. Even if I ever found a full-time job I don’t think I could trust a guy enough to date him, because I don’t want to be hurt/looked down on this badly ever again. I was asked on a date last week but I said no because I feel so mistrustful of guys, like they’re all out to humiliate me. As you can tell I’m not in the best mental state right now…does anyone have advice on how to pick myself up and move on from this extremely painful breakup? Thanks!!
Post # 2
You made the right decision. What an ass.
Post # 3
You need to find something else to focus your energy on. Join a book club, find some beginner art classes etc. and get doing something else that is fun and low stress. Don’t worry about men right now, it will feel right to go on a date when you are ready!
Post # 4
What he said had everything to do with him and nothing — absolutely nothing — to do with you.
He has issues. These issue are not your issues. Don’t let this one man succeed in making you feel like sh*t and like you’re not “wife material”. His nonsense opinion is his, and isn’t likely to be held by any other man you meet, and certainly not the kind of man you should marry.
You got him out of your life, and that was the right decision. Now you need to get him out of your head. Recognize this man for what he is: an ass who’s opinion means absolutely nothing.
Oh, and you are wife material. The real issue is that he’s not husband material. I feel bad for any woman he feels is suitable for marriage, because they’ll be getting giant jackass for a husband.
Post # 5
Well he isn’t exactly the definition of a lovingand supportive partner is he? Sounds like you dodged a bullet! Take some time to not even think about guys or dating and just focus on you. Catch up on books you have been wanting to read, explore your hobbies, do some traveling (even locally), and get some girl time with your friends! Wishing you the best and healing!
Post # 6
Good for you for standing up for yourself and dumping him. What a prick.
Post # 7
What a dick! You dodged a bullet there. Good thing he’s an ex.
The economy is pretty crappy right now, I know plenty of 25 year olds in a similar boat. You’ll get there. If you need a break from men and some “you” time- then take it. Focus on other things for a while.
Also: Your ex does not have the right to “judge you” for all other men. He isn’t all men, nor is he representative of any man other than himself. (Which is good, because: dick)
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
Maybe he meant it in a different way, in that his “soul mate” needs to be someone who is highly motivated and career oriented? I know that was one quality that I looked for in my spouse, and just giving an outsider’s perspective, I couldn’t marry someone that was content with working part time or not aspiring to become much. I’m not implying that this is you! Just giving another perspective. Although, in your case, since you were actively seeking full time employment and you still held down part time positions, I think he should have cut you some slack.
I think it’s really good you’re seeing a psychiatrist. You’re still really young, and you deserve to find someone that treats you like a queen! Just focus on improving your life, and the good guys will come to you!
Post # 9
Well, hopefully his future wife will never have kids or become disabled and unable to work his requisite 40 hours a week. What an ass- you dodged a bullet! Don’t let him ruin future relationships for you!
Post # 10
There are many women who consciously choose not to pursue a career path, in hopes of meeting a guy who will eventually marry and support them. You don’t necessarily sound like one of those people, but it’s not unheard of. I def think my DH would have paused when it came to proposing as quickly as he did, if I was not financially independent. By financially independent, I mean having a secure and continuous string of income so that I can sustain my own personal lifestyle (without struggling). Also, having some sort of safety-net in savings in the event that I couldn’t work or lost my job. I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s an unfair standard to have when seeking out a LIFE partner.
Are you financially independent with your part-time work, OP? I really can’t knock someone who prefers to wait on marrying someone until they have some stability and can financially support themselves… Or, can even help contribute equally to said wedding.
It’s not like he said he didn’t want to be with you whatsoever. He just said he wasn’t ready to get married until you have a more established career. I think it’s a fair and reasonable request. I would not have left, based on that alone. I would have, however, focused on my career search/improving myself and put the wedding talk on the backburner. Instead, you went into a downward spiral. That says a lot. I’d def not worry about relationships for a while, and focus on maintaining your self-improvement journey via therapy.
Post # 11
In fairness to him, I think many of us would hesitate to marry a man who doesn’t have a full time job.
BUT your boyfriend handled it horribly. If you weren’t wife material, he should have ended the relationship ages ago, instead of stringing you along for the last year and a half. Or been understanding that you’re trying hard to get a full time job. Good riddance to him – I’m sure you will find someone much better.
Post # 12
i’m VERY proud of you for leaving someone who would treat you like that! you deserve way better and i encourage you to embrace your singledom and enjoy loving yourself. one thing that really helped with my depression was exercise. 🙂
Post # 13
Good for you for leaving. I think it’s great that you’re taking time to work on yourself and not jumping into a new relationship. Once you’re happy where you are in life a relationship will come. I’m not sure y you have trust issues though, your guy was too honest. At least you didn’t waste too much of your life on him. Good riddence. I’m sure you’ll find the guy that treats your right.
Post # 14
He handled it very bad but I wouldn’t date anyone with a full-time decent job when I was seriously dating either. I see many women that don’t work full-time and are waiting to be a SaHW/M even a SAHG. Many men do not want that. I wouldn’t either as I just don’t understand it. I don’t know why even wasted your time or led you on if that’s he felt, though. Sorry. I do believe if that messed you up that bad that a counselor/psychologist is the way to go so I’m happy your parents took you.
Post # 15
You have had a lucky escape from a superficially pleasant man who was secretly a nasty little toad who suddenly showed his true self. Mean, unloving, smug, self satisfied and a pompous prig. No doubt he’ll make some woman miserable.
But not you.
You’ll eventually find a prince among men who loves you for yourself.
Date when you’re ready. He’s out there.