Post # 1
I have an issue… My ex and I dated for four years.. We broke up about 4 years ago but he has been very persistent up until the beginning of 2012 (when I told him there was no chance in hell we’d ever be together again). Toward the end of our relationship, he became very possessive and violent. He was physically and emotionally abusive. I blocked his number and asked him to never come near me again. When I got engaged last year, he called me out of the blue (apparently number blocks expire every 4 months and you have to go in and block them again) because he saw on my Facebook (which he had created a fake Facebook under the name of a girl I went to school with and sent me a friend request which I accepted so he was able to see my profile) that I was engaged. I asked him how he knew and he thought it was funny so he told me how he made a fake Facebook. I blocked him again, made sure there were no ways he could get in touch with me. I couldn’t get a restraining order because he doesn’t come near me and the one phone call wasn’t recorded or anything so I had no basis to get a restraining order.
One of my best friends is married to my ex’s best friend so she hears the things he’ll say about me. I was extremely close to his brother and sister, especially his brother’s husband (who we’ll call John) who was my hair stylist for four years and I absolutely adore him. I REALLY wanted to invite him to the wedding. My friend overheard my ex say that if I invited any of his family members to my wedding, he’d make sure to make my wedding day a nightmare.
John hasn’t spoken to me in depth the past few months and when I try to reach out to him, it’s very short and cold. I’ve wondered if my ex said something bad to him about me or if he is offended he wasn’t invited after how close we were. I went to San Francisco for my ex’s brother and John to witness their wedding which meant a lot to them and a lot to me. I feel like they should be a part of my day too.
Should I confront John and just tell him why I didn’t invite him or should I just let it go? I really respect him and hate that my ex has put a wedge between us.
Post # 3
@dreamer1288: If he is that important to you, I would talk to him about it. And hire a bouncer to block your ex from coming to your wedding:)
Post # 4
@ieatunicorns: My wedding director has a picture of my ex and has been told that if he shows up, to let the groomsmen know and it’ll be handled quietly behind the scenes. lol! I hate it has come to that but this guy is totally unpredictable.
Post # 5
@dreamer1288: honestly, I wouldn’t invite John – too much potential for ex drama! But I think shooting John an email and asking if he wanted to grab lunch sometime wouldn’t be out of question if you want to maintain the relationship.
However, be prepared for him to say no to you. He may have been forced to take sides in the breakup, seeing as your ex is his brother in law, and family comes first for many people. I certainly wouldn’t be thrilled if my sister’s partner started hanging out with my ex.
Post # 6
Honestly, I would not invite him. It seems like it will be too dramatic IMHO. If you invite John, you would have to invite John’s husband and I think that will open a can of worms. I agree with PP that maybe you can invite John to lunch or coffee. His husband and in-laws may pressure him to not be friends with you anymore, so just be prepared for that.
Post # 7
I would definitely explain to him why you chose not to invite him. My opinion is that you shouldn’t extend the invite to him, its just going to be easier for you in the long run. I’d also consider a restraining order if your ex is seriously threatening the things he is. It may just be threats, but it could be a lot more and I think you need to protect yourself here.
Post # 8
@dreamer1288: What a jerk! Sorry you’re in this situation.
I would DEFINITELY talk to John about this whole situation. It seems like there’s a lot of assumptions based on things you’ve “heard” and directly communicating with him about the whole situation is key to understanding everything.
If you’re really as close as you say, he will be glad to talk about all this with you and he wouldn’t want to have your ex ruin your day… but at the same time, I would be hurt if I wasn’t invited to the wedding of someone I am close with so I bet he’s hurt and deserves an apology really…
Call John and have a heart to heart!
Post # 9
@dreamer1288: I am SO sorry that this has happened to you. Talk about unnecessary stress!! I would definitely talk to John, just to let him know the circumstances. I probably would not invite him to the wedding though…I would want to avoid the ex and those connected to him at all costs. You had better believe I would be hiring a bouncer or a security guard, just in case. Can’t ever be too careful with these situations. This sounds like something my psycho ex would do…so if I were you I wouldn’t be taking any chances. Again, so sorry that you are having to deal with this! It isn’t fair to you. Just don’t let it ruin your happiness, because that is exactly what your ex wants.
Post # 10
@dreamer1288: I would straight up talk to John and say, “hey, you KNOW I love you, and I absolutely 100% want you at my wedding. But you know things ended badly with your brother and I. He recently threatened me that if I invite you, he will come and ruin my wedding.” Then I would ask if he would rather keep him coming to my wedding a secret, or see if he will talk some sense into his brother. This is not fair to you, and he needs to put no his big boy undies and move on.
Post # 11
I wouldn’t invite John. Sorry, the stress wouldn’t be worth it to me. However, I would let him know the reason why.
Post # 12
@dreamer1288: I would consider inviting John. After all, your ex doesn’t have to know, I’m sure he doesn’t follow John’s movements all the time. At the very least discuss this with John, tell him you’d love to invite him, and see what his take on things is. Don’t just leave him in the dark or worse, listening to things your ex is saying that are probably not true.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t invite John, but I would tell him why. This guy is a psycho, I hope you can get a restraining order.