- 8 years ago
- Wedding: February 2012
I’ve been sleeping with my ex-fiance, and it was going well for awhile. He tried to stop talking to me to get more of a clean break since he knew we still loved each other, but he couldn’t stay away for long. We’re best friends again and hang out frequently. I was fairly comfortable with our friends-with-benefits arrangement for several months, but around the holidays my dad, with whom I was very close, died, and I lost the only person who meant more to me than my ex. While I was at his deathbed, the ex got lonely for me, and sent me several messages about missing me and having important things to tell me about emotions when we got back. Now he’s professed his love for me and it seems simple, right? We still love each other, I’ve thought long and hard about how he hurt me and decided I’m ready to forgive his mistakes…let’s up the ante even a little, right? No.
He’s never been in another adult relationship and he’s terrified to marry someone (and therefore even date someone seriously) when he has no comparison. His parents have trapped themselves in a loveless marriage full of belittling, petty arguments and you can practically see on his face how his balls retract when people talk about love or marriage around him. He wasn’t always like that, either. He was a hopeless romantic until about a year ago, believing that people who loved each other were completely opposite his parents. So now it’s been a year since he fucked it all up and he still hasn’t grown up enough to realize that no one can agree 24/7 and that being scared just means it’s important, not that it’s a mistake. I’m trying to get him to have a longer talk about what he wants to happen, since his plans are evidently to date and see if I’m really so special. I know he doesn’t want me waiting around and I have been dating other people, but I don’t want to date other people now that he’s told me he’s still in love with me. It just seems pointless and stupid for me as much as it seems pointless and stupid for him. If he wanted to be polyamorous, that’s a whole different story from wanting to sow some wild oats. Which I don’t even have a problem with. It’s the whole idea that he might choose this random person over me that’s pissing me off. I mean, he’s clearly easily blinded by the newness and shininess of infatuation and unable to distinguish it from mature love, despite taking a good handful of graduate-level courses on these kinds of theories.
Yet I still can’t quite disagree with him. If I had his parents, I’d be scared of making a mistake too. If I hadn’t dated anyone else seriously, I’d be scared to commit. I don’t believe that love conquers all either. But where does that leave me?