(Closed) Ex-fiance considering getting back together. How to convince?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Just to make sure I understand, does this “condensed version” of what you wrote make sense?

My read:

I love my ex-fiance and he is my best friend in the world. I want to forgive all his mistakes and marry him, if only he would grow up and be mature, understand how adult relationships work, understand the difference between love and infatuation, quit being wrapped up in his (lack of a) romantic past, quit being scared of his parents’ bad marriage, quit being afraid to marry or even have a serious relationship, and quit perceiving his own fears as a reason to run instead of proof that it’s something worth staying for. 

Also, after we broke up we have recommenced being best friends and sleeping together—all the actions of a relationship without the marriage commitment. I want to be with him, but it seems like so much. What do I do now? Are his excuses legitimate?

I can’t really pass judgment on the legitimacy of his excuses, but their legitimacy doesn’t really matter for you. Because legitimate or not, he has clearly got a lot of commitment issues to work through, and these things don’t resolve themselves overnight. So you’ve got two choices: Stay with him as his best friend with benefits and wait indefinitely to see if he ever grows out of it, or leave and let him resolve the issues on his own, maybe after a break recommencing the friendship but not the sex.

The choice you want is the one I don’t think you’re going to get anytime soon—where he suddenly comes to his senses, matures, throws off all his baggage and marries you. Besides, how will you know that he is ready? What will that look like? If you marry him in his present state, you might find yourself married to someone who is not sure he wants to be married to you—and I am sure you don’t want that.

This has got to be heartwrenching for you and I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through it. But the fact is that he has clearly got some serious commitment issues, and I think you should take them seriously no matter what decision you make. Don’t bank on them evaporating overnight or even in a year. People just don’t change that fast (if they ever do). I wish the options were more pleasant, but I think this is going to be hard no matter what happens. My heart goes out to you.


Post # 4
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m sorry to hear about your loss. 

I think you should have a talk about where you two stand.  if he doesn’t want to committ you need to walk away and save your heart.      

Don’t stick around if someone doesn’t want you as much as you want them.  Everyone deserves that much.

Take care of that heart of yours.

Post # 5
5388 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Have you tired relationship counseling? That may help if you want to give it another try.

Post # 6
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think that @chelseamorning summed it up really well.


It seems at this point you are hurting yourself by continuing in this cycle. What are YOU gaining out of the relationship. Love is a wonderful thing, but it takes so much more than love to sustain a relationship. Sometimes admitting that is hard, and walking away is hard, but in the long run it makes us stronger people. If you walk away nobody is going to deny the fact that it hurts and will be hard for you to move on, but unless all the other parts of the relationship are there it won’t work.


Sorry if this sounds really bleak, but deep down it sounds like you know all of this.I really hope you find peace in your heart, whether it be staying with your ex-fiance or moving forward.

Post # 7
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

breakups are REALLY REALLY REALLY hard. Especially when the person you’re breaking up with is the first love of your life.

I hated hearing this four years ago when I was with my ex, but please, please hear it when I say it – because it’s true – This guy is NOT the only guy. He is your first love, and yes, you do love him, but that doesn’t mean you won’t/can’t/shouldn’t love someone else.

When my ex and I were together, I knew that our relationship wasn’t right, I knew I didn’t want to spend my whole life with him, I dreaded the thought of him proposing because I wouldn’t know what to say (didn’t want to say yes, but saying no would mean we would have to break up), and we brought out the worst in each others’ issues, rather than helping each other through things.

But every time someone told me that I needed to move on, I would freeze up, in this horrible terror. I loved him, and I thought that if I left him, leaving out mean that our love wasn’t real, and it would take away from something (that emotional attachment) that had become such a big part of who I was. I didn’t want to lose that ‘love’ more than I didn’t want to lose him.

It took him cheating on me for me to finally leave, and after I did it took a LONG time for me to get over him. 

I did though.

And then J came along, and now that we’re together, I have such a clearer view of things. The love that my ex and I had was definitely something, but it was a really immature, under developed, unhealthy version of love, and what J and I have (love, respect, admiration, comfortableness) puts it to shame. I think that what J and I have is possible for a lot of reasons: I was ready for it (my own maturity), I knew what it meant to love and wanted more (from my past), and I knew what emotional love wasn’t strong enough to do, and approached this relationship differently from the start.

No one but you will really know whether this guy is who you are supposed to be with for the rest of your life, but if you have hesitations, please don’t rush into anything. When it is right, you will not hesitate at all. It may be with him, but not quite yet, and it may be with someone else. But if it’s not him, please please please don’t be afraid to leave. It’ll be hard and painful and will take time, but it will be worth it in the end. The longer you wait the harder it will be.


Post # 8
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I pretty much have nothing new to add, except that it was your title that made me pause.  Yes, you love him, he may even love you (as much as he’s able, which, quite frankly doesn’t sound like much), but do you really want to be in a relationship where you are wondering how to “convince” him to want to be with you?

There’s something to be said for being patient, and helping your partner work through issues, but there’s a point where you need to cut your losses, and know that there are other people out there.  It sounds like you’re having to make a lot of concessions for even the possibility of this relationship, and somewhere down the line, that’s going to backfire on you.

You may think that he’s the be all, end all now, but that’s because you’re IN it.  You can’t see how wonderfully good a healthy relationship can be at the moment, but you should really think long and hard about this.

I’m not meaning to be a wet blanket, or unsupportive, and I know that ultimately, what we say won’t make that much difference to you, but I had a bad bad experience because none of my friends spoke up when they had reservations, so, there you go.  I’m speaking up.

Post # 9
45 posts

I just wanted to reiterate that there are other guys out there.  I went through a similar situation, where I was with someone who I loved dearly, and who loved me, but he wasn’t ready to commit.  I stuck it out for years, but in the end, I moved on, because I really wanted marriage and a family.  I was really scared to do so because I was afraid I wouldn’t find someone else who made me as happy.  I didn’t think it was possible.  I was amazed to find that there was someone else out there who made me even more happy than I’d been, and we’re now married.  If you want to “stick it out” and see what happens with your ex, I think it’s worth doing.  I also second the seeing a counselor together.  But, you have to keep in mind that your ex may never change his mind about commitment and marriage.  He may never be on the page that you’re on.  And if that’s the case, you can either stay with him and accept that.  Or you can give yourself a deadline for moving on.  Neither are easy choices, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find a happy ending.  

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