Post # 1
I met SO’s ex-girlfriend a couple months after SO and I started dating. We’ve always gotten along civilly (her and SO have a young child together, so for obvious reasons we try not to create any drama that could wind up hurting him). Lately though, she’s really been hitting a nerve with me.
The thing is, although she and SO have been separated now for going on 2 years, it is blatantly obvious that she is still very interested in him. I knew it back when the two of us met for lunch just a couple months after SO and I began dating and all she did was bad mouth him (which S.O and I maintain was a ploy to try and make me lose interest in him- clearly it didn’t work for her).
Almost 17 months later, and now it seems like she is more desperate than ever to get back with my SO. She just ended a 3 month long relationship with a guy, and now that she is single (which is kind of a novel thing with her- she cheated on my SO and lived common-law a guy for over a year, then went straight to this new guy) she keeps bombarding my SO with text messages. Really random messages trying to start conversations (SO doesn’t respond).
What has really been getting to me though happened the past weekend when we went to drop SO’s son off to his ex’s apartment after looking after his son for the weekend. She never said anything to us at the time, but when we got home to SO’s place, she texted him and told him that she had gotten a vch piercing (piercing in an intimate spot). We assume she sent the text thinking that I would not be home to see it too; SO has a thing for piercings (not necessarily ones “down there”, but nonetheless), and to us it seems like she’s just doing it to try and get his attention and get him back.
I’m not worried that he’ll leave and go back to her (he hates her guts and makes no bones about it- she just cant figure that out yet), but at the same time I’m still annoyed by how desperate and clingy she’s being. I know there’s not really much I can do about it- I just really needed to vent to someone besides SO and some close friends.
Post # 3
@Papillion: What makes this a tricky situation is there’s a child involved. Does your SO have legal visitation rights? If not, he needs to get that established right away. Under any other circumstances he could just block her and hopefully be done with it. But since he has a child with her he has no choice but to stay in some kind of contact or she could try to withhold visitation.
He needs to make it clear to her that he will not respond to anything inappropriate from her. Then he needs to simply ignore anything she says or does that doesn’t involve his child. Sooner or later she’ll get the message and move on to someone else. The sooner your SO has legal rights to his child, established by a court, the better.
Post # 4
Yeah, they have already been through the family court system, and he has custody every other weekend for the time being (eventually he wants to actually go for shared custody). For the longest time they only had an unofficial agreement, and SO was a bit miffed when she decided to send official papers; it’s actually paid off for him now, because she has since had evictions and instability issues that improve his odds of getting the shared custody he wants.
He has never explicitly told her that he won’t respond to contact that doesn’t pertain to his son- he just ignores it and hopes that she’ll get the hint. The problem is that she doesn’t. He’ll answer if it involves the child, but for the most part the messages never do. She calls him a lot when he’s at work, and when he doesn’t respond (because he’s working), she messages him with random tidbits of info about a new movie that’s coming out etc.
Post # 5
Your situation has some similarities to mine. My SO’s ex has been through quite a few men since I’ve known her (known her from a distance). Although her most recent boyfriend she has been with the longest. He is very normal, nice, and good looking! Meanwhile I see her as the opposite of that! Sounds bad I know.
The best advice I can give is to keep on ignoring her in those situations. Your SO is doing the right thing. She needs and wants attention badly. If your SO doesn’t provide it, I’m sure she’ll look elsewhere. Of course she’ll come back for more but it will be temporary as long as she doesn’t get what she’s looking for. Pathetic but what can you do?
Post # 6
@Papillion: I agree, it sucks a kid is involved in this.
My boyfriend lived with/dated a girl for 5 years and they broke up over a year before we started dating. She moved away after they split but moved back right around when he and I got together and continued to hang out with “the group”. I was very nice to her and she was very nice to me, but something felt wierd. Like the first time I met her at a happy hour, she looked at my BF and said “At least THIS one is HOT! I mean, if you’re not going to be with ME, at least be with someone HOTTER than me!….kidding!” It was a big red flag.
She got my number and texted me constantly and my BF said he recieved texts from her too. I felt like it was all a ploy but couldnt prove it….until one day when I mentioned to a mutual friend that the ex and i were friendly. The friend made this awful face and said “What? What are you THINKING? You KNOW she wants to get back with him, right? She’s told like 5 people.” Since she didnt have proof, I kind of tabled it. Then not a week after that, we were at a big game night at someones house and the ex wasnt there. I was chatting in the kitchen with yet another friend in the group when she said “It’s SOOO nice that you and ______ are able to get along so well….especially with her being so uncomfortable with ya’ll dating.”
I knew it, and I was starting to get proof. The icing on the cake was a text message forwarded to me by the first mutual friend. In it, the ex called me an idiot and said that I’d be “history” before I knew it and she and my BF would be back where they left off. Needless to say, we quit talking to her and she eventually moved.
My advice is to go with your gut and don’t let your guard down.
Post # 7
@Papillion: Ugh, what a frustrating situation. I think the only thing you can really do is be civil to her, it sucks but she is the mother of his child. I also think some boundaries need to be set up, but if anybody is going to do it it has to be SO. It’s probably better if you’re not there too because if you are she might think this is entirely your doing and that you’re forcing SO to do these things. It’s important that she doesn’t feel ganged up on and understands that it’s SO saying this- not you. You guys are going to be in each others lives for a long time so hostility really won’t help anybody.
Bottom line: be polite and let SO handle it. You don’t have to be this girl’s BFF, but showing her that you’re not trying to split up her family and oush her (and by extension her child) out if SO’s life will probably make her feel less hostile towards you. I think that it’s important SO handles where the boundaries are set because, like I said, she needs to hear it coming from him and realise that he’s not available romantically to her. Just remember that you’re doing this for the sake of SO’s son. He deserves for his parents to be able to have a functional platonic relationship with each other.