Ex Husband is back in the picture

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@lindseyl06:  Can you leave it up to the courts to decide on a suitable custody arrangement? It wouldn’t be good for your daughter to have a part time father who she can’t rely on. If it was structured and he saw her every other weekend or something that may work better?

Post # 4
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

A close relative of mine split from her daughter’s father and went through some rough stuff with him (he accused her of taking drugs while pregnant in court, said she was promiscuous and the kid wasn’t his, etc) and impressively she had the strength to patiently and calmly clear her name (medical records showing she was drug free b/c she was on state healthcare, genetic testing to prove he was the father, etc). Even more impressively, she worked out a custody arrangement so that her daughter spends time with her father and it is going well. She pointed out that she didn’t want to forbid her daughter from seeing her father and have that result in emotional issues or a misguided fantasy that her bio Dad was some magical guy and her Mom a witch for keeping them apart.

That being said, although this guy isn’t that great, he is not a violent parolee with substance abuse issues! It would be good for you daughter, IMO, to have supervised visits with her bio Dad as regularly as he can commit to. She will want to know who he is and what he is like, and keeping the visits supervised rules out dangerous behavior on bio Dad’s part. In all probability bio Dad will disappoint your daughter, but IMO it is better for kids to know and understand the truth rather than be fed a sugar-coated lie. You and your daughter are fortunate to have a man like your DH by your sides and together I think you can handle the unfortunate realities of life.

 

Post # 5
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Honestly, it would be a good idea for your to talk to an attorney that specializes in family law where you live.  If he hasn’t exercised any visitation in over a year and your daughter has no idea that this guy is her biological father, then I would say no to visitation until he goes to court and the court orders it (I would then be asking for it to be supervised intially to make sure he is appropriate with her.)

Also, she’s 7 now and can definitely understand that he is her bio father but her stepdad is her real dad in the ways that count.  You need to start explaining this to her now for just in case he does get visitation or contacts her through Facebook, email, phone, etc…  I agree with PP not to sugarcoat who he is and what he has done but you also don’t want to make him out to be a monster because she is part him and if you make him seem too terrible, she may think that the part of her that is him is horrible too.

Post # 7
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@lindseyl06:  If his vists need to be supervised, he couldn’t have her the weekend away. It seems like he is asking you to violate a court order, which was obviously put in place for a reason.

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