(Closed) Ex Lesbian MIL’s/Guest list drama/DRAMA PERIOD! HELP!

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

In all honesty, I REALLY wish had some advice for you but all I can do is send you lots of cyber hugs. This sounds sooo stressful and I could not imagine going through that for my wedding. I;m sorry you have to deal with it.

Post # 4
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

holy shiz. that sucks i’m sorry. good luck to you!!!! i would say let them duke it out themselves. and as far names being on things just put “we” so that it includes everyone without having to name everyone…. that’s the one small piece of advice i can give you! 🙁

Post # 5
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Wow – you sound so balanced in all of this. Its amazing. I really admire you as its a nutso situation.

Does your Fiance want his non-bio mom’s name on the programs, rehearsal invites, etc? If so, it is really his choice, and I would just explain to his bio mom that he has chosen to list his other mom in the program and would love to obviously list her name as well (as she’s his mom and all), in whatever format she chooses (i.e. Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, etc…there doesn’t need to be any mention of her past marriage to non-bio mom…there wouldn’t be anyways whether it is a hetero or homosexual couple that is no longer married/together). On a sidenote, his bio-mom seems like she needs to maybe schedule some couples counseling sessions to talk about her past relationship with her current husband. It is unhealthy that her husband doesn’t know, given your fiance’s relationship currently with his non-bio mom. I would encourage her to do that ASAP so there is not a blow up on your wedding day.

For the rehearsal dinner, is it an option for you to plan it within their budget constraints? That’s what we’re doing. Its not the same situation, but Future Mother-In-Law is hosting our rehearsal and she’s from a country that doesn’t do rehearsal dinners, and she really doesnt know what it is and she doesnt live here. So she told us the budget and then just said plan it. This might take the stress off you as far as making them communicate about it. Then you can just tell them, deposit is due on this date, payment in full is due on this date, or better yet, maybe they would even just give you a check and you could square it away with the venue yourself.

As far as the guest list goes, I would be pretty firm with this. Just tell them their guest list is due by this date. After that date, due to invitations, venue constraints, budget constraints, calligraphy, etc. you wont be making anymore changes. They’re big girls, they can get their list to you when you tell them to (no matter how much they grumble). I would be REALLY firm. Its not that outlandish of a request, and its not like theyre making a new friend everyday and then adding that friend (and if they are, that would just not be acceptable to me). They know who they want/need to invite, and they just need to go through their phones, address books, friends list, or whatever, organize their list, and give it to you by said date. If they really push back, tell them you’d be happy to give them the price per person for your wedding, and they can pay for any additional guests they think of, and they can send them invitations themselves.

You sound like such a caring person and it sounds like you are trying to cater to everyone and just getting trampled. With 2 months to go, its time to put your foot down. And keep your great attitude of going into your wedding drama free and truthful and it will be great 🙂 good luck! lots of hugs!

Post # 6
296 posts
Helper bee

This may take the award for craziest situation I have read about on this site! geeez… Much admiration to you for staying level-headed through this.

As someone else said, it’s primarily your fiance’s decision whether or not to include non-bio-mom on the programs, etc. (Though if it were me, I would feel guilty leaving her out.) Does bio-mom’s husband know that she at least co-habited with non-bio-mom for a long time? (like, as friends?) If so, your fi could just explain to him and everyone (before the day of, obviously) that he feels it would be unfair not to acknowledge non-bio-mom’s role in helping to raise him, and he wanted to honor her. That way, you avoid having to address the elephant in the room, although frankly, I agree with you that that is NOT your problem, and is something that bio-mom should have taken upon herself a long time ago!! What a crazy situation.

Post # 8
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Like PPs said- kudos to you for staying level-headed in this madness!

Do you need a program? We’re doing them because there’s a congregation response, and also because it’ll be an outdoor wedding (program fans.) If it’s not necessary, cutting it out would help on one issue.

“Plus there is the issue with seating, speeches, dances, pictures, etc.”

Put Bio-Mom and Non-Bio Mom at two separate tables. Speeches are usually FOB and FOG- since there isn’t a FOG, maybe you could skip that one. 

Dances- are the Moms ok with just a FOB/Bride dance, and not a MOG/Groom dance? Or maybe give one Mom toast duty, and the other one the dance? Thinking non-bio-Mom for toast-, bio-Mom for dance. (I know Fiance is not too keen on having to dance w/ his Mom)

You wrote- “Non-bio mom does not seem to care for much about the wedding”- so it sounds like she might be giving you a bit of an out on some of this, if needed.

Pictures: Since these two are no longer together, they really shouldn’t be in photos together. My amicably divorced parents will be in one large family photo together, but that’s probably it. Maybe one or two when I’m getting ready, but divorcees (as I’m viewing the Moms) generally don’t get in photos together. Just make sure to get candids of Fiance with each Mom.

This is tricky- it’s not your issue, but Bio-Mom’s lack of communication with her husband is setting the stage for some drama. It would be good if the two can meet up before hand, just so the wedding isn’t so tense.

Also-guest list- it’s DONE. Two months out- I assume your invites have already been mailed? Ours went out last week, and unless we were given a name for a B-list (family had a few that they said “if space allowed, would be nice.”), no more invites!!

Hope everyone acts like a grown up at your wedding, and you have a fabulous day! 🙂

Post # 9
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would just let your family know names won’t be on the program and why. Make it easy on yourself.

Post # 10
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

i think your parents names need to be on the program, however you may need to get creative with it.  But i feel it is only fair to them. 

Post # 11
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014 - South Bonson Pier & Community Centre

@mysterybride7:  Here’s my opinion coming from a family with medical and mental health issues: My dad had a series of strokes and heart attacks when I was 14 years old, and is one 9 different medications (some for depression) which make him extremely slow (he sleeps about 14 hours a day, his thought process resembles that of a 10 year old, and it takes him a while to understand or tell a story). He is in no way involved in the wedding process, and is barely supportive. So if non-bio-MIL is on some sort of pharmaceutical for a medical condition, it’s not really fair to her to be upset for her not being overly involved. Someone with clinical depression may have difficulty getting up in the morning, let alone getting excited for someone else’s wedding. Just something to consider. I know dealing with someone who is depressed or sick can be draining, but hang in there.

As far as bio-mom, she sounds awful! I feel so bad for your hubby! I would just put both of their names on the program (bio-MIL & new-husband, non-bio-MIL & new-wife) just like if his straight parents were divorced. If bio-MIL doesn’t want to explain it to her clueless husband, then she can make up a new lie (maybe her totally straight ex-husband died and his widow couldn’t ever imagine being with a man again, so she became a lesbian instead?). Whatever she tells him, that’s her problem. She needs to be supportive of you two, not the other way around. It’s not your job to be accomplices in her lies. She sounds like a completely hateful woman.

I hope you don’t take any of this as mean. Your future-bio-MIL just sounds really cruel.

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