@jordanl1027: Ok, you didn’t answer my question, so let me see if I got this straight–within the last 2 years, you were engaged, experienced a break up, saw your best friend and ex-fi geet together within a very short period of time following that, found a new guy, got engaged, and now are having trust issues/fears of the whole thing repeating.
How long were you single before you met the new guy? How long were you together before you became engaged?
I ask you this because if the timeline is as compressed as I think it is, I wonder if you ever really took the time to process and come to terms with the trauma of the experience with your ex & ex-bf. That is a seriously hurtful thing that happened to you, and nothing but time to think about it, reflect on it, and come to terms with it helps you get over it.
But it sounds to me that not only did you jump right into a new relationship, you jumped into that relationship and made it serious right away, and are already engaged again. If that is the case, i am not at all surprised that you are projecting the fears from your previous one on to your new FI, because you never really dealt with them.
The fact that you’ve had two back to back relationships that have resulted in proposals (with less than 2 years between the proposals) kind of leads me to believe that you are more driven by the desire to be married, than by the desire to have a long and healthy relationship.
It is completely ok to not want to have casual relationships, and only accept monogamous ones. But not every relationship needs to end in a wedding, or at least a ring. You clearly have very deep scars from your previous experience (who can blame you?), but i’m not sure if you have ever worked through that given you are projecting those fears on your new FI.
When we take our pain and fears, bury them down deep, and pretend they don’t exist, eventually they work their way back to the surface. When we spend time disassembling them, truly experiencing them (there is benefit to letting yourself feel the pain, instead of running from it), and understanding them, then they generally don’t carry forward.
If you haven’t taken the time to deal with the betrayal, and restore yourself (understanding it, realizing it is not a reflection on you, etc etc) then it is only natural that you will see every relationship through the lense of “I can’t trust men, and I can’t trust my friends”. It sounds to me that you have moved too quickly into a new and serious relationship, and as a result are projecting the feelings and fears you didn’t deal with on your FI. This is unfair to you, it is unfair to him, and it is unfair to your friends.
As someone who has been cheated on before, by a long term partner, I appreaciate that the inital reaction is often “What did i do wrong”, even if it’s very subconcious. It took me a lot of time to restore my confidence, and realize the root of his behaviour, and how it wasn’t me, but his own insecurities. It also took me a lot of time to realize that there was nothing I could do to make him feel more secure, it had to come from within, and I realized that only by fixing my own insecurity.
All that to say I think you would have benefitted from time as a single, dating woman before getting serious with the next guy you met. Since it’s too late for that, I think you might benefit from some therapy to work through your trust issues with men. I don’t think you are ready to get married if you have so little trust that you can’t introduce your soon-to-be husband to what are supposed to be your closest friends.