ex screwed me over and now I'm scared to introduce my new fiance to bm

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1243 posts
Bumble bee

@jordanl1027:  Sorry, was it February of this year or last year when you broke up with your previous FI?

Post # 4
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

First there I am going out on a limb to guess that the BM that is now dating your ex is not going to be a BM this time. Thus maybe talking to your BMs first about how you feel before introducing everyone is a good idea. he is right though to want to meet before hand. I didn’t get to meet one of the GM until the night before due to cross country living situations and that made it hard to really get to know the guy.

second a relationship is built and maintained on trust. I understand that the last guy mauled you over but this isnt that guy. The key thing that makes a marriage work is trust. If you two are truly meant to be then you have to start to trust him. now.


Post # 5
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

If you can’t trust him around your closest, most important friends now, before the wedding, then how are you ever going to make/keep friends one you’re married? He deserves to know your friends… wouldn’t you feel something a little *off* if you never knew his friends?

Post # 6
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Ok I get your situation… and it sounds like it truly sucked at the time (your previous Fiance was not a very nice guy !!)

And I also GET your anxiety… to an extent, but I still have to ask for me what is a few somewhat obvious Questions…

1- WHY are you letting your Bum of an Ex hold you back from Happiness ?  If you’ve managed to fall in love again, get Engaged, and even go so far as planning a Wedding… why are you allowing this EX to rent so much space in your head ?  He doesn’t deserve it.  You deserve happiness and being able to move past it.

2- Your Ex Bridesmaid (and your Ex Fiance) were a piece of work for sure.  I wouldn’t be making ANY EFFORT to reach out to either of them.  Cannot for the life of me figure out why you are doing that.  GOOD RIDDANCE TO BOTH OF THEM.  There is a time to write people out of your life PERMANENTLY and this would be one of those occasions.  THEY BOTH BETRAYED YOU.

3- You say you’ve introduced your current Fiance to one of your Bridesmaids but not the other.  One was ok, one wasn’t.  So the obvious Question for me is… WHY do you have apprehension about the 2nd girl… why do you not trust her as much as the first BM the girl you work with ?  Your BMs should be your best friends… people who are there to “stand up for you, and your Relationship” **

** Somehow in recent years the significance of being a member of the Bridal Party seems to have been lost (see lots of examples here on WBee).  Traditionally, a Bridesmaid should be someone you love as a sister, someone who has your best interests at heart.  Someone who is willing to stand up infront of the world, and defend your right to happiness… as they are meant to “stand up before God and all these Witnesses” as you exchange vows.

They are not just some random gal in a dress for Photo Ops !!

And there is no rule on having a certain number of BMs… you can have 1 or none for all that matters.  They are not a MUST HAVE item (Witnesses where required can be anyone… Parents, Siblings, other Guests etc)

If you don’t understand / embrace this concept of a Bridal Party being your nearest and dearest, then I don’t comprehend why have one.

And if you don’t trust your Bridesmaids, then all the more reason not to have one… they aren’t fulfilling their role as “having your back” thru thick & thin.

Hope this helps,

EDIT TO ADD – And if your issues aren’t with your BMs, but rather feeling you cannot trust your Fiance, well that is a whole other ball of wax, and you shouldn’t truly be getting married at all cause you don’t sound ready.  Trust can be a funny thing… it can take a lot of time to rebuild completely once we’ve been deceived.

I was married the first time for over 20 years, I went thru a horrible divorce.  It took me quite awhile to get back into the Dating Scene (after a period of Therapy, Self Reflection & Improvement).  And even then, I dated Mr TTR for 6+ Years before we talked Marriage seriously.  As it took that long for me to be able to trust again 100%.  If you aren’t there now, then you aren’t ready… and that is no place from which to start out a marriage from.


Post # 9
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@jordanl1027:  I’m confused…are you still friends with her? Why are you needing to introduce her to him??

Post # 10
1243 posts
Bumble bee

@jordanl1027:  Ok, you didn’t answer my question, so let me see if I got this straight–within the last 2 years, you were engaged, experienced a break up, saw your best friend and ex-fi geet together within a very short period of time following that, found a new guy, got engaged, and now are having trust issues/fears of the whole thing repeating.


How long were you single before you met the new guy? How long were you together before you became engaged?


I ask you this because if the timeline is as compressed as I think it is, I wonder if you ever really took the time to process and come to terms with the trauma of the experience with your ex & ex-bf.  That is a seriously hurtful thing that happened to you, and nothing but time to think about it, reflect on it, and come to terms with it helps you get over it.


But it sounds to me that not only did you jump right into a new relationship, you jumped into that relationship and made it serious right away, and are already engaged again.  If that is the case, i am not at all surprised that you are projecting the fears from your previous one on to your new FI, because you never really dealt with them.


The fact that you’ve had two back to back relationships that have resulted in proposals (with less than 2 years between the proposals) kind of leads me to believe that you are more driven by the desire to be married, than by the desire to have a long and healthy relationship.  


It is completely ok to not want to have casual relationships, and only accept monogamous ones.  But not every relationship needs to end in a wedding, or at least a ring.  You clearly have very deep scars from your previous experience (who can blame you?), but i’m not sure if you have ever worked through that given you are projecting those fears on your new FI.


When we take our pain and fears, bury them down deep, and pretend they don’t exist, eventually they work their way back to the surface.  When we spend time disassembling them, truly experiencing them (there is benefit to letting yourself feel the pain, instead of running from it), and understanding them, then they generally don’t carry forward.  


If you haven’t taken the time to deal with the betrayal, and restore yourself (understanding it, realizing it is not a reflection on you, etc etc) then it is only natural that you will see every relationship through the lense of “I can’t trust men, and I can’t trust my friends”.  It sounds to me that you have moved too quickly into a new and serious relationship, and as a result are projecting the feelings and fears you didn’t deal with on your FI.  This is unfair to you, it is unfair to him, and it is unfair to your friends.


As someone who has been cheated on before, by a long term partner, I appreaciate that the inital reaction is often “What did i do wrong”, even if it’s very subconcious.  It took me a lot of time to restore my confidence, and realize the root of his behaviour, and how it wasn’t me, but his own insecurities.  It also took me a lot of time to realize that there was nothing I could do to make him feel more secure, it had to come from within, and I realized that only by fixing my own insecurity.


All that to say I think you would have benefitted from time as a single, dating woman before getting serious with the next guy you met.  Since it’s too late for that, I think you might benefit from some therapy to work through your trust issues with men.  I don’t think you are ready to get married if you have so little trust that you can’t introduce your soon-to-be husband to what are supposed to be your closest friends.  


Post # 13
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@jordanl1027:  i think you need to be confident in your current relationship that your fi would never cheat on you.   if he did, he would obviously not be the man you would want to marry; example, your ex.  you definitely dodged a bullet there.

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