Post # 1
We recently got engaged. My small family knows and we planned to tell his huge family at the family Christmas celebration. It’s so hard to keep our exciting secret but we agreed it would be easiest so everyone knows at once. Unfortunately, his sister – who is hosting – invited his ex wife to join us.
We changed our plans and decided to announce on Christmas Eve at his mom’s. Yesterday we found out she also invited his ex wife.
I’m trying really hard to be understanding. She lost both her parents in the past year. He and his ex were married a long time and his family is hers. I don’t expect them to ignore 30+ years of friendship.
This is not spiteful on the part of his family. They are very kind people and have included me in everything from the start.
On the other hand, this is the first time she’s been invited since their divorce. We obviously cannot announce at either one of these events and I’m a little bitter about it. I resent having to keep this a secret any longer.
I really want to call everyone later to tell them and say something like, “We wanted to tell everyone at Christmas but had to keep it a secret for obvious reasons.”
Post # 3
@Mrs_Him: Why are you keeping your engagement a secret in the first place?
Also, I’ve been divorced and so has my DH. After divorce, so sorry, you just don’t continue mingling with the original family any longer, unless you’re fully prepared to deal with your ex’s new relationship(s).
Post # 4
I wouldn’t say for obvious reasons but I would just start calling and telling people the happy news of your engagement. Nobody knows you were going to announce it on Christmas so you can leave that part and the obvious reasons part out.
Post # 5
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@Mrs_Him: I think FI’s family is setting a bad precedent for future years since they’re inviting her the first year since the divorce. But can they un-invite her at this point, I think not.
She can’t consider your future family to be her family now that her parents are deceased and she is divorced from your FI!
I dated a guy who’s family had the attitude that his first wife would always be his current wife and anyone that came after wasn’t “real” — are FI’s family like that? If so, I feel sorry for you! But you said they’re nice so I hope this isn’t the case!
But I agree with PPs – why are you keeping your engagement a secret? Maybe ex-wife would remove herself from the festivities if she knows you two are newly engaged.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
You could just announce your engagement now. Or announce it at the Christmas events…does she really need to be handled with kid gloves at your FI’s family events? If there was any way I could veto, I would. But I wouldn’t hold in my happiness for an ex, that’s for sure.
Post # 7
Dont let an announcement like that come out snarky, dont let anything ruin it. Maybe the two of you could make a group phone call and announce, or a video call. You can still let people know why you are announcing it this way, but have the tone of it being kinder to her. They will still get the point, but you will get the sweet cudoes out of it for being compasionate.
My dads family still invites my mother to everything, even after they have been apart more than ten years and dad is remarried. Everyone is secure about it and it makes for a much happier family in the long run. At least in our situation.
Post # 8
Do your FI and his ex-wife have children together, and, if so, how old are they, and will they be attending these family events?
Post # 9
I would announce it anyways. It’s not that you’re being mean to her by doing it. They chose not to be together anymore and she knows you’re with him. She can deal with it.
Post # 10
I’d go ahead with plans to announce it Xmas eve or Xmas, or just wear the ring. They’re divorced, if she’s choosing to be around him and his family, just treat her like one of the family. I wouldnt be walking on eggshells around her with this announcement taht was planned.
Post # 11
I would go ahead announce it at Christmas if that is what you wanted to do. I don’t think you have to change anything because she is there. She might not even give a crap and would be happy for you. If she is going and knows you both are coming she obviously can’t be that sensitive/hurt about anything. Or….announce it NOW!
I would want to celebrate it over the holidays with family so I would do it before or at Christmas.
Your original is too snarky IMO because I would think you were craz(ier) for hiding it because of her.
Post # 12
You didn’t mention it, so it’s probably not the case, but does you SO and his ex have children together?
MY FI’s mom and dad are split. But they spend all holidays together. They’re on perfectly fine terms but do it mostly for everyone else. It’s kind of nice for us as the “children.”
But on to your question…if it were us, we’d just start making the calls. No mention of Christmas or the ex.
Post # 13
It says a great deal about your character that you are sensitive to this. Go ahead and have your moment and annouce it as planned at Christmas. But don’t say a word about it to the family if you decide to do it another time. Kes18 is right, she may not even think anything of it, and will be happy for you both.
Post # 14
Why would announcing it be weird? It’s in the past. You’re the present. If anything she should be the one feeling awkward. It’s your news. No need to have to “not announce” because of her presence.
It’s a bad precedent to set her before you.
Post # 15
I don’t understand why you can’t announce it as planned? Eventually she will find out. I’d personally have already announced it but that’s just me I can’t keep secrets.