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I am just so frustrated with the court systems when it comes to divorce. They just add insult to injury and don't resolve issues in a timely manner. When I met my fiance a year and a half ago I was finallizing my divorce from my alcoholic ex-husband. Lucky for me he was having an affair with the bottom of a whiskey bottle to even care about court proceedings. It all got settled within 10 months (it would have been 6 but I didn't have the money in time).
My fiance finally started his divorce proceedings earlier this year after being separted for 2 years (divorce costs money and its hard to save up to get rid of someone out of your life). She didn't contest a thing after she was served and then 2 weeks after her deadline for sending in the response (because she had found out we got engaged and literally wrote that on the motion!!!) she lied claiming that never got the divorce documents and got the extension to file her response (30 day delay). She waited for 2 days before the deadline again and she filed her response (2 week delay). He is currently not legal to work in the country yet; however, she claimed she wanted child support (so dumb, he has no income so how can it be claimed?!). He then had to file a motion to proceed with divorce (2 week delay). She then waits till the end of her 2 week deadline to file to transfer the file to a court closer to her home (3 week delay). The transfer was granted and she was advised she will have to pay to have the file transferred, guess what? She never responded!!! (3 week delay). We decided to pay for the transfer (2 week delay). He has now requested the courts sever the divorce from the custody as he agreed to everything she wanted and more (1 week delay). Although she agreed to claim for divorce, the courts want the copy of the motion to be delivered to her (1 week delay). She is now in a position to file a motion to stop the severance of the divorce from the custody (delay: potentionally 3 - 6 months). How can we get the courts to expedite this and stop her from delaying?
I really wants to us to enjoy our engagement and be able to celebrate with the world. I'm not too worried about the wedding date anymore and I am still collecting ideas for our big day. I have a beautiful wedding dress that has to sit around for who knows how long. We are so happy together and he always says this is the best relationship he has ever had. He is my best friend and I love him so much. I just want the world to know how happy we are and be able to celebrate our engagement freely. I feel like our lives are at a stand still until his divorce is final.
If your FI had a child with this woman he owes her support plain and simple.
Wow this is a lot to take in. Im so sorry your going through this. Unfortunately I have no legal advice for you, I dont know anything about that type of thing. But I did want to say that it will get better!!! Try and enjoy your engagement. They cant let her deley forever!!
Women are the most vengeful creatures God ever created. She is going to drag this out as long as humanly possible because she knows that it hurts her soon-to-be-ex. The courts are more interested in her right to a fair process than his right to a speedy process. They will allow her to drag it out until she either has no money or he has no money or both. It's a shame she found out about his engagement, that wasn't going to go over well. My sincere sympathies are with you, ex-wives are a major hassle. The only thing to do is expedite your own side of the process whenever you can and do not communicate directly with her at any point. If there are any shortcuts, take them. Good luck!
This is exactly why we made sure his ex wife did not find out about the fact that I am pregnant nor the upcoming wedding when the divorce went through. We had to wait the separation through because even though she committed adultery she refused to "have her name drug through the mud", then we had to wait out the separation period where she was going to pay for it. Then she decided we had to pay for it. So once we had the money to do so we did. If she knew I was pregnant and we were getting married she would be pulling the same exact crap!!! She threw a hissy fit because we were dating at first, I have known her since they first started dating. He has been one of my best friends since high school so we have known each other for 17 years now. She gave him the car in the divorce and is now regretting that decision and leaving him messages daily to that effect (I am sugarcoating it here). I feel your pain! If she had found out that we were engaged and had a baby on the way we would be in court every other day as well.
How did she find out the two of you were engaged?
It seems as though you might have seen this coming, given that you've been through a divorce yourself. Honestly, I don't understand being engaged to a man who is still legally married. If the body isn't even legally cold yet, I would not want to be involved in the drama.
@SoontobeMrsA: he has agreed to child support but he cannot legally work in the country yet and she knows that.He is happy to provide what he can for the child . She only used the support item as a way to delay the divorce and it worked. She knows it could take him up to 1 year or more to get his immigration settled. If it takes that length of time then the courts will cancel everything and he will have to start all over again.
I wish you could go back in time and not announce your engagement until after the divorce was final. Since that is not possible, you have to know she is going to drag this out as long as possible... until she runs out of money or finds a new man to think about.
@crayfish: I agree.
I don't have a ton of sympathy to be honest. I was the " ex wife" at a time. Now, I didn't delay anything but he was very much wanting to rush it so he could get remarried to his mistress. I can kinda see her side and how much pain the situation has caused her.
So, seeing as you knew what you were getting yourself into, the only thing you can do is deal with it day by day until it's finalized.
@crayfish: The most important thing for me is that his mind and heart was divorced from her years before...legal divorce doesn't really mean anything and its all just paper work. Love happens and it doesn't wait for the ink to dry on court documents. To tell you the truth, I was very shocked at her behaviour! She wanted to be divorced from him and she even made a comment to him verbally and on e-mail " I hope that you won't give me a hassle with the divorce when I want to remarry and move on with my life" !!!
I guess this is her way of being vindictive because he moved on first.
The Ex doesnt want them but damn if anyone else can have them. MM's ex took almost three years fighting for things like his frequent flier miles- which dissolved in that time frame.
But now- Im Mrs MM so there you go-- in fact she changed back to her maiden name and I am taking his- so her children will now have MY last name- go figure
That's how it is when you get involved with someone who isn't 100% free and clear to move on. Hopefully this will be resolved soon so you can all move on, but I don't blame the ex for going after what she's legally entitled to...
That is why my rules for dating someone were
1. could not have been married before, and certainly not going through a divorce currently
2. no children
3. does not want children
I actually walked away right after meeting guys when I found out they had a kid. No baby mama drama for me!!
@SoontobeMrsA: I don't think he's specifically trying to not pay child support but because they cannot document how he makes money the courts cannot actually force him to pay anything. I most certainly agree that he should assist in paying for his child but I think it will have to be done in a different way rather then automatic debit.
@Crisark: hey, i just want you to understand that I was NEVER his mistress. We met long after his separation from his wife. I'm sorry to hear that your ex-husband had a mistress; but, not all situations are the same as yours.
Just to give some background: we are not trying to expedite the divorce so that we can run down the isle with each other. Yes, we do want to enjoy our lives together; however, Immigration is giving him a super hard time because it's not finalized yet. No divorce = no immigration document = no getting a job to support his child. Now, do you think that's fair??? Obviously she is a bad mother since she isn't considering the best interest of her child in this case.
@MrsSl82be: I can understand the no kids/currently divorcing thing, but why wouldn't you want to be involved with someone who has been married before?
@Lily1217: You settling down and rereading my post would be great.
I never said you were his mistress...nor did I imply our situations were exactly the same. I was simply stating that I kinda felt bad for her because I've been on that side of things and it hurts when someone you loved moves on and can't wait to get rid of you as if you meant nothing.
And, legally she has to go for child support, regardless of his current working situation. So, unless she actually does neglect her child, calling her a bad mom is uncalled for.
@retreadbride: Agreed! She just didn't want him to move on with his life. I can't wait to be a part of his child's life after all of this is done. He is fully a part of my 3 kids. He is an amazing step-father. It truly take a person with a HUGE heart to be with someone with children and I have 100% respect for people who has so much love in their heart for kids. Children never ask to come in this world and it doesn't matter where the DNA came from, our kids will be fully loved!
@KatyElle: because at the age of 20 (when I was dating before I was with hubs) I didn't want to deal with the baggage.
@MrsSl82be: My best friend and I had these rules too at the same age.
@carrieknitscake: yeah, it only made sense to me at the time. Even now, I wouldn't date anyone who has or wanted kids, its just not for me. I guess I would take it on a case by case basis with someone who was divorced, but I would still rather not deal with it
@MrsSl82be: That was exactly how I felt. As we get older and relationships get more complicated, there seems to be an influx of men with baby mamas. I knew this a decade ago and for me, knew better. My best friend dated a lot of guys who had kids and baby mamas in tow. It always sounded like a lot of drama in the dating scenario. She married someone without kids, so she followed that rule. I did the same. For me, it was always a dealbreaker when I was seriously dating someone.
@carrieknitscake: Yup, totally get it. I wouldn't even casually date someone with kids. What was the point? No reason to risk falling in love with them! Thankfully, hubs had none of the above, except a crazy ex who tried to break us up once, but then realized really quickly that it would be a very stupid move on her part, and shut up and never came back around :)
@Crisark: sorry you felt that way. maybe i'm being ignorant because I didn't have to go through the drama with my ex-husband. While we were separated, we had our custody/access/support done up like mature people and understood that our children needed to be taken care of because children come first and emotions come second. I guess the 2 of us were more mature that way.
My comment about her being a "bad mother" is that her child can have the world but she is preventing it from happening due to her vindictiveness, what mother does that??? Divorce is hard, i get that. We all go through the "what if's"when a relationship has broken down. I am an ex-wife, I am a fiance and I am a mother and I don't fall short on experience.
@Lily1217: I totally empathize - my father has been dragging my family through court for years and HE's the one who committed adultery - but re: your comment that "legal divorce doesn't mean anything and it's just a bunch of paperwork", isn't that what legal marriage is then too? Why the rush if the paperwork doesn't mean anything? Just doesn't make sense to me - legal divorce is just as important as the legality of marriage.
@MrsSl82be: When you are young this works and that is exactly what I did (except i wanted kids). We are in our 40's and at this age the likelyhood of a man or woman who has never been married or had kids is SUPER slim. This is my first time facing ex-wife (baby mama) drama and it hasn't been fun trying to get this issue resolved.
@Lily1217:Oh, I know. If I were dating at 40, I would definitely have to cross off "never been married" or there wouldn't be much more to work with!!
It sucks what you are going through, but when it gets really tough, hug your man a little tighter, and be thankful that you have him and she doesn't. And its awesome that you guys are able to integrate your kids so well!!! This is just one big annoying bump in the road for you guys!!
@MrsWrangler: the rush has to do with his immigration (paper = paper). We don't want to proceed with celebrating our engagement until its over with. Our engagement celebration has been pending for 4 months and counting and it's emotionally stressing. I'm Catholic, so the legal part of marriage means nothing to me as much as the spritual part of marriage. Legal marriage is recognition by the governement, church marriage is recognition in the eyes of god. Any couple can get married in a church without it being legal to the governement. To me marriage is about the mind, body and soul not sign on the dotted line on paper.
@Lily1217: Are you getting married in the Catholic church? I belive if you are then both previous marriages would have to be annulled.
@MrsSl82be: Aww you are soooo sweet! Thanks for being so understanding! He is my heart and my soul and I look forward to being his wife some day. It's all too cute to have two 40 somethings madly in love with each other! Teenage kids thinks it's gross but they love us just the same!
@Lily1217: Hey, my parents are 53 and 54, have been together for 40 years, and still act like in love teenagers!! I am modeling my marriage after theirs, and so far so good. i think love at any age is grand, but to be able to not only find your perfect partner but also your perfect family....well, its perfect!! :)
@KatyElle: I had a civil wedding (he was not catholic/christian and refused marry in church) and we never perfomed a catholic ceremony afterward. Accordng to my church, my marriage was not recognized as it was done under a civil ceremony;therefore, I was not considered married in the eyes of the church. Trust me, i was really shocked to hear this! He isn't Catholic but belongs to another Christian denomination and also had a civil wedding. I'm very happy that the Catholic church does not force anyone to convert to being Catholic so we can get married happily in church.
OP, if the soon to be ex wife only crime is delaying a divorce that doesnt necessarily make her a "bad mother". she has her own pain, disappointment and anger to work through and although she might be acting like a bitch its still her journey, you are engaged to her husband so im guessing that may have attributed to the drama
although i can sit back and say smugly (sarcasm font, as fortunately i have never been through this) that i would never ever get involved with a man thats not divorced and especially a man that has a children under 18yrs i know in reality life isnt as simple - especially when it comes to matters of the heart . goodluck and i hope you can sort through all the legal stuff soon and get on with your lives
@Storm0075: When he called his best friend in England to ask if he would be his best man, his friend ended up mentioning it to other friends who know her as well. She ended up hearing it through the grape vine and like broken telephone she thought we were getting married this July! Hence, her sudden reasoning for delaying the process thinking she was stopping our wedding from happening. Jokes on her! Her exact words on the response paperwork were "it has come to my attention that my estranged husband is planning on remarrying...." Then she proceeds to say that she was never given the divorce papers. The divorce papers did not bother her for weeks until she heard about the engagement. This is her third divorce....not a very good track record. My FI didn't even know about the first marriage until after they had gotten married. Twisted story huh?
Edit: Just realized PP is from Canada, my previous qs was based on immg in the U.S. so it's not applicable.
Calling her a bad mother because she doesn't want her husband (cuz he is still her husband til the courts say otherwise) to immediately remarry makes you look petty.
@Ms. Sparkles: We are in Canada and it's a bit different. He came on a visitor's visa from England. His ex-wife became legal here first and then she sponsored him. His visitor's visa had restrictions for him not to work or study. I think this is where the relationship really fell apart because of the long wait with immigration and money constraints. Anyway, he applied for temporary residence so that he would be able to work and it was denied 2 years ago...it boggles me why it was denied. She cancelled the sponsorship on the eve of it getting approved (no big deal, they were separated so I guess it made sense). We have now put in an application under common law; however, until his divorce is final the process will be held up. Our entire lives are help up because of one revengeful woman. I know that karma doesn't sleep and she will get what she deserves eventually.
This is her third divorce....not a very good track record
arent you planning your second marriage? considering the divorce rate for 2nd marriages i wouldnt be so judgemental to be honest
I know that karma doesn't sleep and she will get what she deserves eventually.
seriously????
@Lily1217: Your application under common-law may take a lot of time... If he was denied a foreign worker temporary visa two years ago, doesn't mean it would be denied again today. Was he not provided with reasons for the decision? That could help with preparing another application, that way he could work while waiting on the permanent resident decision. the temporary visas are a LOT faster to obtain. Obviously, he is admissible to Canada, since he was approved as a visitor, so this is not an issue - so to be approved with a worker visa, he would have to show that he has employment lined up.
I also know of someone who is from the US, but lives in Canada with his girlfriend here. He is a visitor with no working permit in Canada; however works for an online company officially based in the US... That way he can make money while waiting for his permanent resident application to come through. Maybe that could be an option, depending on your FI's line of work?
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