Ex-wife's feelings more important-Long

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

ugh. I’d feel horrible too about all of this.  The kids are def old enough to fly by themselves.  I really think you need to sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel and demand change.  If ex is #1 then I wouldn’t bother compeating with that.

Post # 4
Member
12250 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I hope this isn’t horrible. I don’t mean this in a horrible way!

His children will ALWAYS be more important than you! And I don’t think it’s just his ex that he’s worried about. His kids must be thriled that they can hang out with Mom and Dad together! Like the family they knew before the divorce!

I think he’s trying to do what he feels is best for them.

One of my neighbors got divorced three years ago. Two years ago he started dating a chick named Andrea. In the two years they’ve been together, Andrea has met his kids ONCE. He’s worried that he’ll hurt them more by “replacing” their mother in their lives!

Post # 6
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee

I find his behavior strange. You guys have been together for YEARS. You’ve spent time with his kids. You’ve meet the ex and there is no ill will between the two of you. He even feels uncomfortable answering your texts/calls around the ex?  All because he doesn’t remind her that she’s single? Maybe I’m being a jerk, but I don’t buy it. He’s supposedly in a relationship with you, but treats the ex like they are still in a relationship in a way. Not cool. At all.

Post # 7
Member
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I don’t have much advice to offer, but I will just step in and say that I agree this sounds odd. While your boyfriend’s kids will always come first – and I’m sure you are grateful to have a boyfriend who is such a wonderful father – his ex wife should not be part of that equation. I am curious if you and your boyfriend have any plans for the future, getting married, having any kids of your own? I ask this because it would seem to me that after four years together (a very serious relationship) and perhaps plans for the future you should be a lot more included in family events. Your boyfriend should be bringing you around and showing that the two of you are a unit – especially to his ex wife, when the two of them are clearly having some boundary issues. While there are probably a lot of excuses that could be said for not bringing you to after school acitivites, sports games, etc. the Christmas situation, IMO, is what really tips the scales in the inappropriate direction. It sounds to me like they are still functioning as a family unit, which is clearly wrong in this situation (as they are divorced and he has a girlfriend).

Post # 8
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am divorced and now remarried.  My ex is also remarried.  I cannot fathom ever saying that my husband cannot attend soccer games, school plays or Christmas gift opening because I didn’t want to hurt someones feelings.  That’s bullshit.

 

Before my ex got remarried my DH and I were together for a year.  My ex was still wanting to get back together with me, and yet I still didn’t tell my bf at the time that he was ok to spend time with my kid with me, but not allowed to attend life events.

 

It’s absolutely wrong and actually demeaning to you – to have him say you’re good enough to be there when his ex wife is not, but not ok to be there when she is.  I would be really hurt and insulted.  She knows you’re there, it’s not like your relationship is secret.  The kids know you’re there and you’re in their lives.  

 

I wouldn’t put up with this, and after making your feelings known so many times and having him clearly not give a shit, I would walk.  Honestly.  Whatever you decide to do, know that you’re not wrong for feeling the way you do.  Putting his kids first has fuck all to do with what he’s doing.  You’renot asking him to put you above THEM, but above HER, which he should have been doing from the start.

If he’s not willing to do so, I’d tell him to go back and marry her then.  I wouldn’t stand for any of it.  He’ll have a hard time finding someone to put up with this crap if he’s willing to continuously put his EX wife ahead of any future one.

Post # 9
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

His behaviour’s probably not going to change until his kids are significantly older and no longer so dependent on the custodial parent (the ex). I have met divorced men who behave like this. I’m not sure I really understand the behaviour entirely, but it seems like they are so concerned with having their relationship with their ex be smooth and trouble-free, that they are willing to sacrifice a great deal in their own personal lives. It’s as if they think that any hiccups in their relationship with their ex could jeopardize their relationship/time with their kids. I’m not it sure it’s even conscious behaviour; it seems entirely driven by fear/uncertainty.

If I were you, I would move on. He’s had plenty of time to integrate you into his life with his kids and ex, and he hasn’t done so. You kind of have to assume things aren’t going to change.

Post # 11
Member
7314 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ok, I am an ex-wife- so a lot of times when I see posts like this I roll my eyes because the new woman in the picture is being unrealistic.  HOWEVER- I think you are being very reasonable.  There is no reason you can’t attend soccer games etc.  And the kids are old enough to go on a trip without the mom.  I don’t think there is anything funny going on with him and the ex- I just think sometimes it is hard for people to separate from the former life.

Post # 12
Member
6127 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@BeeBiscuit:  I guess I can understand that he doesn’t want to upset his ex because if he pisses her off she could cause trouble with him seeing the kids. I don’t buy that crap, but people make up crazy theories in their heads and people are just crazy sometimes (I’ve seen some nasty custody issues).

The part that really really bothers me is that they went on a holiday vacation and you weren’t allowed to attend. Hell no, this is not ok. I’m sorry, but he needs to either include you in his life or you need to leave and find someone who will.

Post # 13
Member
2838 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Bottom line: you’re either in his life or you’re not.  You’ve been together way too long to be excluded from holidays, sporting events, etc….

 

I have a five year old, and I have a fiancé.  As soon as I knew tinge were serious with my fiancé (about 2 months in), I slowly introduced him to m son, AND told my ex about him (my fiancé).  No, my jump did not jump for joy.  But if I actually wanted my SO to be a true part of my life, he needed to be included it all.

years ago, I almost started dating a guy…..I really liked him and we had a great connection.  But I could tell his kids (who were more than old enough) and his ex were going to hold him back, so stepped back.  we are still good friends to this day, the I know things were not going so well with his current gbe just because of that!

 

him saying his ex included her bf because he had kids is, IMO, on excuse of some sort.  She wanted her bf to be parfood her life.

 

if he hasn’t changed by now…..might be time to walk 🙁

Post # 14
Member
2838 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013
Post # 15
Member
3372 posts
Sugar bee

@BeeBiscuit:  My first question is, what is an SI? SO is significant other, FI is fiance. I’m confused.

Anywho, for me and what’s happened in my life (having an ex husband I have two kids with and an ex SO I have two kids with)… Both of them are married now, but even when they were dating they had their girlfriends around our kids. All I ever cared about was whether they were nice and respectful. One (after some serious growing up on her part) is very respectful and I have no problem with her. My ex, he’s still a jerk, his wife is ok by me. The other is a horrible, controlling bitch who talks shit about me to and in front of my children. I have no idea how my ex (who I was very good friends with for 6 years after we split up) can allow this woman to do these things, but that’s another story. 

If you are in a relationship that’s headed anywhere he should be welcoming you to spend time with his kids after 4 years of dating. Geez, my FI lives with me and my kids and we’ve only been dating for a year and half! If I were you I would be a little more concerned about where your relationship is headed (I can’t believe he doesn’t spend holidays with you!) and what he’s doing with his ex. If they remarried they wouldn’t be the first couple to do it. I’m not saying you should freak out and demand that he include you. Nothing like that. But you deserve to know where you stand and if you’re just wasting your time.

Post # 16
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

This post is three months old…

@jadlnc:  I wonder what an SI is too. 

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