Post # 1
I had done a great job of finally breaking free from my controlling and dysfunctional parents when I got engaged. I called them to tell them and got a very icy congratulations, they’ve become more happy since.
Now I’m right back in the middle of their contolling madness including being bullied into a visit home and an evening of being dragged to listen to a political speaker I have deep objections to.
We’re not planning to get marring for about a year, but I find that I’m already dreading it because of how much my parents (mainly my mother) are already being.
Is is alright to just not invite my parents to my wedding (it’s so severe I find myself hoping they’ll just die before then and then I feel awful)? I know it would be the end of our relationship, but I really feel ready for that and is it selfish of me to want to look foward to my wedding (we’ve even considered eloping just to escape).
ps. I’m in my 30s and have already moved halfway across the country to try and escape.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center
I wouldn’t exclude your parents and here’s why:
They may be controlling. They may be insufferable. BUT they are your parents, you are their little girl, and even if they have a horrid way of showing it, they love you. Unless they have physically abused you, I would not leave them out of your wedding day. I would simply stand your ground and not let them take control of the details of your wedding. Tell them straight out that your wedding day is about what you want and isn’t about them, and if they don’t think they can handle it being about you for once then they are free to not come. If they say that they will support you, then allow them to come. I think you’ll regret it if you exclude your parents.
Post # 4
Ok you might not agree with me but no matter how much we may not like our parents ways excluding them from your wedding would be awfully horrible. Have they done something to you that you haven’t been able to forgive them for? Maybe you need to sit down with them and talk things through but if its pity things then excluding them would be pretty mean. My father left us when I was 3 awadi only saw him on some holidays or maybe a summer and he became more distant as I got older but that didnt stop me from inviting him to my wedding. Think things through. Hope all works out.
Post # 5
@renwoman: I aguree with you and that’s why I really hate to do it (and haven’t yet), I jsut wish there are some way to set boundries with them. I’ve spent a bunch of time in therapy trying to do this and nothing works. I really don’t want to exclude them, I just want to actually be able to enjoy the wedding process.
I think I’m more stressed because I’m facing this trip to see them (unless I can land a job or interview in the next three weeks, that gives me an airtight excuse not to go), and I was already chewed out tonight by them.
I also want to figure out a way to make it very clear that after I’m married there will be a new set of boudries (this is non-negotiable).
I don’t really want to exclude them, I want to survive them.
Post # 6
If they don’t deserve to be there, then they don’t.
Just make sure it’s what YOU really want. I’m not saying you SHOULD want them there, logically I can understand why not. But sometimes the heart is irrational. Try to have a mental heart-to-heart with your future self, and figure out whether she would be happier (or regret less) inviting them or not.
Post # 7
Hmmm…I think in the end there is a bigger chance you’ll regret not having your parents there rather than having them there. Talk with your fiance. Are you close to your FMIL? Even if you’re not, you could ask her for her opinion and what she might do if she were in your place.
If you do decide to invite your parents, just send them the invitation as you would any other guest. And in the meantime, screen your calls.
Post # 8
You need to establish boundaries with them.
I think that’s the huge issue here.
You have to put your foot down. If they get rude, disrespectful, etc. end the conversation. It’s as simple as saying, “I have to go, goodbye.” When they try to force you to do things you don’t like or are not interested in say, “I’m sorry, but I have no interest in ___ and will not be attending or doing that particular activity.”
Post # 9
No one can force you to visit home or go to a political speaker, unless they literally tie you up and drag you, in which case that’s kidnapping.
Practice saying “no” if you have to.
You have to have courage to create these boundaries and stick to them. Don’t be a push-over, don’t let them control your life.
Post # 10
My mother (who was lovely to me and the best mom ever) is deceased. I haven’t gotten along with my father since I was a teenager and since her death our relationship has gotten much worse. After the last argument about a year ago I said enough. He’s not invited. That being said, think hard before you make the decision. I also moved away years ago because of the control/toxic issues.
Post # 11
a friend of mine invited 20 people to her wedding. no family on her side was invited. her father has passed away and her mother and sister are toxic people. her friends are her family by choice. her husband had his immediate family there.