Post # 1
My brother is marrying into a very rascist family who has been excluding all the grooms side of the family from any and all wedding events and plans. The bride to be has asked to have a segregated wedding shower for my sister, my mother, and myself, and has made no effort to have our families get to know each other.
The only event we have been invited to so far was their engagement party. During the party, his fiancees sister literally gave us a nasty look when they introduced us and walked away without saying a word when we tried to shake her hand. Her father just stared at us, did not say a word, and then turned to his brother and made a racial slur about one of his “workers”. We had to spend the entire night by ourselves since they wouldn’t go near us. It was the most uncomfortable night of my life!
They have been together for ten years, and in that time I’ve only met his fiancee a handful of times. Despite my efforts to be courteous, she usually ignores and/or walks out of the room when I or any other of my family members arrives and does not return until we leave. I am also disappointed that my brother seems to be ashamed of us and has never made any attempt to stand up for us to his fiancee. We are all courteous, educated, and respectful people and responsible members of society so we know the issue is not related to our behavior.
I need advice since I have just about ran out of patience with my brother and all these people. The wedding is a month away and instead of an invitation, we received the date, time, and location scribbled on the back of an advertisement when I last visited him.
At this point, most of my family has decided not to attend his wedding because of recurring ill treatment from the bride and her side of the family. I love my brother but refuse to tolerate any more disrespect and am looking for a good way to tell him how I feel and my reasons for questioning if I will be attending his wedding at all.
Unfortunately, he says he is too busy to meet in person so the only two options I’m left with are by phone or email. Also, there have been several other episodes of ill treatment over the years he is unaware of (like his fiancee baking us a batch of cookies one Christmas with chunks of dog hair on them) that we chose not to mention that I’d like to bring up. Is it too late to do this now? Any advice is welcome. I’m confused about what is important to bring up at this point as I am sure he will side with them and probably cut all contact with us. Thanks.
Post # 3
Does the brides family treat your brother like that???
While I am not saying that what they are doing is ok, I think there are plenty of weddings where the brides family and the grooms family just don’t get along. It stinks but if the couple is happy then you have to deal with it.
Try to talk to your brother and see if you can just let him know how you are feeling.
Post # 4
Wow. I’m so sorry. This sounds difficult. I was following you right until the part where you said his FI was also giving you all grief. Why would your brother’s FI be treating you poorly based on your race if she’s engaged to your brother? I’m presuming your brother is the same race as you.
It sounds like you haven’t mentioned much to your brother. While I can’t blame you for not wanting to attend the wedding based on how you’ve been treated, (and your “invitation” -my goodness), I think that it’s only fair to let him know how you’ve been feeling.
I would try to focus on more general scenrrios and how YOU’VE felt. I don’t think that talking specifically about the dog hair cookies will go over well. (What if you’ve misinterpretted and she was doing a nice gesture but, didn’t realize the dog got into the cookies?)
Post # 5
If it’s a racial thing, why are they okay with your brother….
Post # 6
i’m sorry, that sounds so terrible.
unless he’s really oblivious though, i can’t imagine he doesn’t know how his fi’s family treats you. you say “I am sure he will side with them and probably cut all contact with us,” but it sounds to me like he already has sided with them, and while that’s really sad, there isn’t much that you can do to preserve the relationship besides letting him know how hurt you are at the way they treat you.
Post # 7
To clarify the race thing, while we are full brother and sister, he looks completely white (like my mother) and we look completely Hispanic (like my father). Actually, for most of their relationship he has complained about her family also treating him badly. Both his future father and mother in-law have made several racist comments to him through the years but only recently when they decide to get married have they began to tolerate him. Why am, I convinced it’s a racial thing? Because of all the racist remarks they have made towards us and other minorities to our faces and esp. behind our backs.
In fact two months ago they had postponed their wedding because during a night of drinking his mother in-law told him: “I never want to see you G****mn mutt face again”, after he complained about her “jokingly” saying she wouldn’t be serving tamales at their wedding so maybe he shouldn’t invite us. The issue isn’t wheather or not they are racist, they are. Her family doesn’t “accept” my brother. They tolerate him.
I accept the fact he has chosen his fiancee as a wife and I have never said or done anything to persuade him to change his mind. However, I don’t see how this means I need to put myself in the prescence of such venomous people.
As for why his fiancee accepts him, like I said before if you didn’t know his background my brother looks completely white, makes a great living, and is very handsome.
Tanya123: The hair on the cookies could not have been accidental because of the amount that was in them. They looked like angora sweaters and there were literally chunks of hair on some of them. They own a catering company so it’s unlikely they would be so careless with Christmas gift.
Post # 8
So she’s only marrying him because he LOOKS white? That’s f**ked up. Obviously it’s not your place or anyone else’s place to tell your brother what to do with his life but, I mean – seriously? He knows that she and her family are racist and in their heart of hearts consider him a second-class citizen even though they can suck it up cause he looks like he’s white. I hate to say it but I think he’s kidding himself if he thinks that marriage is going to work.
As for your question, don’t go to their wedding. They don’t want you there clearly and you don’t support the marriage.
Post # 9
First, sorry you are dealing with this. As a fellow Latina, I understand what you mean about those that “look latino” and those that don’t.
I would skip the wedding and I’m not sure that you brother would have to ask why. Like a previous poster mentioned, he has to know it’s an uncomfortable situation for your family. It seems like he’s okay with their behavior and prepared to accept it for the rest of his life. You, on the other hand, do not have to make the same choice.
If you think you need to explain your decision to him, I would just speak in terms of your feelings and your personal experiences with the family and why you have decided not to be there. Good luck.
Post # 10
Wow this is on a whole other level…..
They sound like horrible people, but your brother is family (if it were your cousin getting married, I would say don’t go) but this is your brother. I think you may have regrets later in life if you don’t go to support him at his wedding.
Don’t let them win, by you going to your brothers wedding, you are the one rising above. Literally don’t say a word to them, keep your distance & tell yourself your there only becaue you love your brother.
I would say I hope things get better, but with stupidity like that, it never will. I wish the best of luck to you and your family!
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor
I can’t believe you didn’t even receive an invitation. Is he aware of how their behavior hurts you and your family!?
I don’t think I could attend my (hypothetical) brother’s wedding if his future wife and her family treated me like that. I would reach out to him before the wedding in the case that he would want to make amends… but I’m not sure. I do agree with AnnieAAA that you and he may regret it later in life if yuo dont’ attend. I don’t think bringing up the hairy cookies would help your case…I would stick to recent, documented, observable behavior to point out their attitudes and treatment.
I am so sorry 🙁
Post # 12
That. Sucks. And they suck.
BUT, I honestly counsel you to go to the wedding if 1) you have a level person to go with, someone who will have your back but can’t be easily baited into a fight, and 2) there is a chance your brother will have kids.
The reason I say this is that there is a decent chance the in-laws will reject the children, especially considering that no matter what your brother looks like, his kids could still easily look more typically Latino/a. And how they look may never even matter.
But this is your chance to start the process of saying, “this family sucks, but you are my brother, I stand by YOU. And when things get rough, which I think they will, I’ll still be here.” It isn’t a bad idea to actually say this to your brother, but actions speak louder than words.
However, make sure condition 1 is there. Safety should be your first priority.
Post # 13
I would not say anything and not attend the wedding and cut him out of my life for good. Do you really need to explain to him what has happened in the last 10 years? He knows and doesn’t care and thats why he has let it go on for this long.
Post # 14
Thanks everyone for your input. I will try one last time to reach out to him and explain my side of the story and take it from there. Your opinions have been helpful 🙂
Post # 15
Wow. It breaks my heart to know that there are people out there who act and think like that. I honestly can’t advise you on what to do b/c this is such a personal decision. These people sound truly awful… but yet he is your brother. I hope you wind up making the decision that makes you the most comfortable. …AND I really hope that your brother’s future in-laws learn the *MAJOR* error in their ways at some point in the future.
Post # 16
Reading your story made me serious pissed off. You, your family and your brother do not deserve this kind of treatment at all.
Why on earth is your brother marrying this woman? What is it about her that convinced him that he wanted to be with this woman for the rest of his life. Being the educated and successful man that he is, it’s surprising that he would allow anyone to treat his family or himself with that level of disrespect. Is there something else to the story that would give any sort of explanation to this?
You should definitely skip out on the wedding and have a serious discussion with your brother about what’s going on. Typically one can play the “don’t get involved” card but in this type of situation you have every right to voice your disapproval to him. I don’t think that attending the wedding would prove anything to the bride or the bride’s family. They may even try to publiaclly humilate you in front of everyone. Who knows what they’re capable of.